Tag Archives: women that stress

The Rules of Shopping

Wrote this a long time ago, it still brings mixed feelings now I am reading it.. Anyways, enjoy!

This was inspired by an un-interesting day of shopping where I spent more time waiting than actually doing any shopping, I penned down a number of tips for us dudes when we do go out with women… Giving the gist will defeat the purpose of this post.

1.1. Leave your phone at home: This way if you conveniently get lost, you cannot be reached…
1.2. Offer to hold her phone for her…: This way even if you do get lost she can’t reach you, and as you most certainly do not want to be reaching her this makes it even better for her (sorry I actually mean you).
1.3. Act like you are interested in checking out things she is not interested in… This way you can politely get her to suggest that you both meet up at some place in the mall at a particular time(which she wont keep anyway).
1.4. Go back home immediately… Does that sound evil? You don’t have your phone, you have her phone, the probability of her using a payphone to call you is non-existent add to that the state of bliss she attains while shopping, the probability of her running into you (9/6,000,000,000, and that is not the number of people on earth; more like the number of people plus things to look at in a mall) and the fact that the happiest place a single sane man can be is anywhere away from a shopping complex. Everything together makes a pretty slim chance of discovery and a very presentable case if caught.
1.5. Having done all the number crunching and dodging, I finally settled for this: If you are not married to it, or intending to; kindly request to be left at home (including your mother)

N/B
The number of old men I had standing with me was quite larger than the amount of young men…
(Note to self, I must remember to carry 7 newspapers, 2 novels and one psp next time(for variety))

Finally: I must say that:
1. Anything done above is done at your own risk. In other words YOU ARE ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN!!!
2. Please if you do try it, feedback will be much appreciated.
3. Please married men, and prospective ones, do not try this at home, or else you could become a prospective bachelor…
4. For any more information check number 1.

Finally…
If you think I am jobless, it took me three hours to think up this. Three hours I spent with lots of different old men (very patient old men I must add), no newspapers, books or psp’s and a persistently ringing phone(perks of going out with another person’s girlfriend; hence 1.5). Three very hot frustrating hours!!!
And I thought it up using totally unrelated events too, this is by no means related to a true life story. It is totally non-fictional. Oh that is a big lie.. It all happened and it happened to me.

Hehehe… Enjoy!!!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Need I say more? PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS IN THE MOTHERLAND!!! Nigerian girls sabi cram phone number

Image credit

John Charity

Oh yes, a new movie, coming to stores near you. Dear Jeff, please meet me for more information.

They say charity begins at home, what they don’t say is where it ends up. Right now, I wonder why. Due to my nice nature, I am put in rather uncomfortable situations a lot of times. End up doing stuff for people I don’t like, go out of my way to help people who really can help themselves and the most annoying part… people get upset with me when I bluntly tell them to piss off…

Scene A, Girl A

Its 12am in the morning, right about that time where nothing good actually starts to happen. Rather than making attempts to get some, I am lying next to her wondering how on earth I managed to get myself in this mess (AGAIN!?!).

I like to twist normal everyday words, add some innuendo, shake it up a bit and then spill. It does get me into trouble a lot, but then I manage to blag my way out of it. Tonight the phrase that comes to my mind is “between a rock and a hard place”. Oh yes, that phrase, a point in time when like me you are lying next to a girl who isn’t date-able or sex-able… and who is madly attracted to you (thought it only happened in movies).

How did I get here? Ehmm!!! It started with me doing a favor for someone, continued with me trying to be nice and ended up with me in a highly uncomfortable situation (make I no too talk story). Now I am here and all efforts to jumpstart my engines have proved abortive (decipher as you please). So I sleep rather soundly too for the first time in a long time and promise myself not to do this again (just like I promised myself the last time)

Scene B, Girl B

What do you do when you have been looking forward to an event for so long and then the day finally arrives and the high point of the event gets cancelled? I have been preparing for a night out today, or a night in today with her. We were to either go dancing or just chill and watch movies, “all night” (which is the key word). I can see some people shaking their heads, but no, that is all that was planned.

It had been in the works for ages and ages… It was all ok at first, and then this week came and she refused to confirm now the day comes and she says oh no we can’t have a night out or a night in, we can only have an evening… She goes on to talk about some problems she be facing. I look at my phone and then calmly and quietly say ok in it. I shall see you later.

I am sitting now writing this post, with every intention of eating sweet potatoes and fish tonight, alone with my movies and my drinks. It can only be better than having an increasingly irritating night, listening to stuff you really are not interested in. Lessons from Scene A, are having a rather large impact on my thinking process. Once bitten, twice shy they say, I say learn from the previous man’s bite or else, learn from your narrow escape.

Scene C (For future reference)

This is how it plays out in my head, every single time

Girl: hey
Me: hey dear…
Girl: are you busy?
Me: not really…
Girl: please I need your help
Me: sorry I can’t help you.
Girl: but you don’t know what I want to ask for?
Me: true, but you only buzz me when you want something.
Girl: well its a 2 way thing its not like you buzz me or talk to me…
Me: yeah I know so let’s keep it as a 2 way thing. I don’t buzz you when I need something, kindly do the same.

In summary my dear sweet female/male friend, kindly piss off

Yeah I know, some people like to tell themselves how important they are by the number of times they get asked for help. I totally agree, but then Charity is a name formed as a means of giving to people in need, not people who just want something just for the heck of it, people well capable of getting it themselves but who just can’t be bothered. I believe in the whole D.I.D. (damsel in distress) thing. But you can’t be Beyonce yesterday singing “Single Ladies”, be Margaret Thatcher tomorrow speaking “equality”, then remember me today just because you feel just a lil bit vulnerable. I refuse from today. My middle name is not charity. I hope it stays that way

Picture of the day

If you ask me, this is the dumbest piece of self inspiration I have heard in a while. I am single and I am miserable and every other single person I know, feels the same way. Seems motivation nowadays means lying to yourself repeatedly till you start to believe it.

 

Foolish talk of the day

Can’t remember if I read it or someone said it to me, but then for the guys who tell the girls that they only want to put the tip in, what on earth is that? For the ladies that do agree (oh yes I know those were our teen days), do you understand that the tip is right about the only part of a man’s penis that can’t get you pregnant? Oh you know that already? Foolish child!!

Next Research

Word on the streets is that prayer does make things happen. Letting it slip that you had a vision about the lady you marry being from a particular tribe will make things happen (thanks for that info by the way, you know yourself). I fully intend to look into that.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: I am beginning to realise that people may read this blog and think there is something seriously wrong with me. Don’t worry, I think so too, its alright for you to tell me. For the people that actually do know me, it wasn’t me that wrote it o!!!

Dear Jane Doe, where are you?

I am now Royally Pissed!!!

Wrong Timing!

If I could get some money for every time this question was asked any where all over the world, I would be the richest man ever (excluding Wise Solomon of course).

Scene A (Adulthood)

So I get home with her after a really fun night. If you had asked me at the beginning of the night I could not have imagined the night ending like this. She was actually in my house of her own free will. I met her about 5 weeks ago and we had been seeing each other quite often. We had become quite good friends if you ask me. Of course applying the Hem-Line theory, I had gotten ready for a very long thing as the lady in question seemed to be a 3/4 Hem line. Well there were a couple of drinks involved, but we have drinks every now and then so it was quite normal. You can imagine my shock when one thing led to three things and the next thing #gbam na kiss o. Three things led to six things and the next thing top had gone off, things were getting deeper and as the last ounce of blood was leaving my brain and the final hook on her bra was coming off, the dreaded question came.

What do you really want from me?

At that moment, the little that was left of my mind went very far. The question took my mind to a totally different scene from my childhood.

Scene K (Kidulthood)

I remember that day perfectly well. I was 7years old, I was going to the park and I asked Nene my friend to go with me, she agreed, we went to the park, got ice cream and we started playing. After playing for like 7 minutes, she turned to me and innocently asked

Why did you bring me here J.D.

Imagine the nerve? I looked at her for 10 long minutes, then I turned around and went home. Annoying pissant!!!

Back to Scene A

Now no offence ladies, I respect your gender totally and I have very good friends from your very alien race but I am human, very human. If there was ever a phrase to capture that moment, it would be this WRONG TIMING Missy. You missed the many, oh so many seconds between when we we met and now, you missed the moment when you said you were going to come home with me, you even missed the point where top met the space above your head. How you expect me a grown man like me to sincerely, truthfully and sensibly answer that question with no blood in my head makes me wonder if you really did Biology in just your nursery school. Shame on you and shame on your biology teacher.

Sadly I had no answer for the lady in question but this “Huh“. I don’t need to tell you dear readers that na so my nookie where shirt commot for house.

In that spirit, I have decided to put together the best of the best of the questions women like to ask at the wrong time.

Did you use protection? That in the precious moment just after you finished having sex

Somethings never cease to amaze me. I have tried and tried to wrap my mind around this and I have failed over and over again. Please someone help me explain this. I am coming to a conclusion that women just enjoy torturing men and yes, women are from somewhere in outer space.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: I am innocent of any crime commited in or by this post

It’s a Guy Thing aka Men ‘o’ pause (Now Manopause)

Men ‘o’ pause has now been changed to Manopause for writability sake (and it does sound and look better too I must admit)

I went to bed last night and the last thing that crossed my mind was you Jane Doe, right before I drifted off. I woke up this morning and the first thing that crossed my mind again was you, the next thing that crossed my mind was “Why one earth hasn’t she buzzed me, is she ok?” On a good day I wouldn’t bother, I would chill, prepare for my work day and start it. Not today though, today I lay back in bed and I started wondering, wondering what is, what could be and what is not.. Rather than bother you with my thought processes about Jane Doe, let me get somethings off my chest.

I understand that women and men are very different in very many areas. I understand that women are mainly guided by how they feel about something at a particular moment, but its like women fail to realise one very important thing about men… Men operate with timelines. Yes timelines.  If something doesn’t happen at the time it is expected we are patient for a while longer and then we begin to fret. We may not say anything but we DO fret. And a quietly fretting and worrying man is just an accident waiting to happen. It is worse if we do talk about it half and half or we talk about it and nothing happens, why? Because you made him actually say something and you nothing happened after he did. At least that is off my chest.

That brings me to the the wonderful new word that was crafted in my brain right in the middle of my confused state of upset, anger, sadness and sense of impending misery. The word is men ‘o’ pause (hehe.. reading the word right now just gives me the laughs, actually makes me feel better)

Need I say more?

Men ‘o’ pause |ˈmen -ə-ˌpȯz: is the exact moment a male begins to ask himself what on earth he is doing with a particular female. This female could be a friend, a girlfriend or even a wife.

Now that is defined on to the main purpose of my post…

Causes of “men ‘o’ pause”

  1. He likes her but she don’t like him enough, yet she is willing to waste the time he could have spent looking for someone else.
  2. She wants him to chase her in the exact way and manner she desires, and while she doesn’t say how, she is willing to wait till he finally
    Had enough?

    gets it right. But puts him down like a dog anytime he doesn’t

  3. She is leaving town for a long time and while he is willing to be in the relationship, she says she is scared of long-distance and is not willing to try and see if it works out and then she expects him to stick around. Yeah Right!!!
  4. One of my favourites. He is chasing her and she likes him but won’t date. She also likes Okafor, Olumide and Oliver and she talks about themall the time. Truth, none of them are even up to him. “I can’t put all my eggs in one basket dear, I need to make something out of myself”. Words she tells him repeatedly.
  5. He waits on her constantly, is there for her when she needs him and at the end of the day she says “I am bored, I need some action”
  6. No guy likes being unsure of where he stands with a woman, it makes them cranky, quickly irritated and very suspecting. All the attributes women hate in a guy. If you like him let him know, if you hate him let him know and then please desist from eating his money or wasting his time. Just free them in every sense. They will hate you but then they won’t do you bodily harm
  7. There comes a time in every man’s life when they really need to be alone. Not because they are mad at you, but because frankly the world sucks at the moment and they will just like to feel miserable for a day or two. You have your menses we have that, so please respect it. It is not a time to nag or tell us to get up on our feet and stop feeling miserable. If anything comes out of your mouth it should be consoling, else save it… Do it long enough and…
  8. There is friend for food, friend for fame, friend for money and friend for problems… If a woman can be categorized into one of them areas then it is likely she wouln’t last long in a guys life. More the pity if she actually likes him.

To all the sisters out there that look down on a brother because he doesn’t suit you at the moment, not enough money, too far away, not good enough, not bad enough, not prayerful enough, etc. Guess what? It actually makes us feel really bad and it can make an entirely wonderful day start out crappy

Funny how no one wants to date a Pastor, but everyone wants to marry one? Especially when they are successful. Twill surprise you how many women have God fearing man as number one on their list

DISCLAIMER: This isn’t meant to offend anyone though frankly I wrote it feeling really pissed (so forgive any grammatical errors). I know many fine and outstanding young ladies. I am not sexually discriminating anyone, just stating the obvious in quite subtle ways.. PS Jane Doe, I still love you.

Sometimes, women just piss me off big time. This is one of them. I shall stand in front of the mirror each money and recite to myself repeatedly from this day henceforth.

John Doe is single 

And I shall do it Naked!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Please, do not let the sun go down on your anger!!!