Tag Archives: theory

Blinking

Johnny Bravo
How you doin’?

Prologue:

I have always been known to speak very seriously about absolutely unserious issues. This, sadly, is one of such instances. Try not to fall asleep halfway through the first few lines sha.

I recently came up with a mini-theory concerning the rituals involved in selecting a prospective mate and making your intentions known or letting the other person know that advances are welcome. I call it… wait for it! Blinking.

Oh. Right.

That’s already the title.

On a totally unrelated note, why does this girl wear a wristband with her name on it??? Does she sometimes forget what she’s called and look to her wrist for expo? Or is it in case she gets lost? Hmmm…

Anyway, I call it blinking. We all know that green means go and orange means get ready, abi? Ok, what of a get-ready-even-thoughI’m-trying-to-be-ladylike/gentlemanly type of situation? My dears, it follows that in that kind of situation, the orange light is not properly switched on, but blinks on and off at intervals under the guise of friendliness, courtesy and common interest.

Hmm. Big grammar. Lemme explain a bit. Blinking may sometimes take these forms;

Looking intently and with intent:

This is the most commonly/frequently used ploy. It could be initiated by either party and is usually done for quite a while until a positive response (e.g. coy smiling) is elicited.

Eye/Sign Language:

This follows repeated intent “lookage”. At this point, they are both comfortable with the looks and smiles and want to push things up a notch. So they inject winking, suggestive glances, raised eyebrows, blowing kisses and mouthing messages to each other into their little routine.

Small Talk:

Yes, when he/she schleps 50km across the room to ask you the time (even though there are three wall clocks in perfect working order prominently displayed around), stop and ponder, dear child.

Hmm, let’s stop there since there’s no real script beyond that point; the storyline of life remains constant, only the details and personal choices differ.

Whatever happens beyond small talk is dependent on a lot of factors like their geographic proximity, what each of them is really after and whether their egos can stand compromise. It could also boil down to a gross lack of chemistry or the astute, unforgivable daftness of one of the two.

Over the past few weeks, I have sat quietly, observing all the above (and much more, some kinda disgusting), smiling knowingly to myself the whole time.

Yes, I am very wise, children. Hopefully my wisdomosity transcends the deeply unserious and thoroughly unusable… We’ll see ūüôā

PS:

Happy Holidays! My heart bleeds for the unspeakable acts of violence plaguing my country at this time. May the souls of all the good people lost rest in peace. Amen.

 

image credit

The Relationship Contract…

I have been quiet for a while, except for that rant I posted on Ennui which has been quickly taken down. It’s Wednesday, 4pm and I am bored stiff. Finally decided to put this up. Its something that has been on my mind for a while and meeting a friend of mine on Monday finally gave me the 3rd ball neccessary to put it up (no having just 2 ain’t enough sometimes). Before I proceed, let me get some definitions out of the way…

The Relationship Cycle: This can be defined as the time it takes for a single Nigerian to get into a relationship and get single again. Without beating any bushes, let me define in some detail. This is somehow related to the series I never started, found here.

First Phase – The Hook Up: We just met and we are getting to decide if we can do one of the following; date, sleep with each other or be friends. Whichever one it is, deciding leads you straight to the second step. That is unless there is typeographical error somewhere in which case the cycle ends… Immediately.

Second Phase – The Honeymoon: Having decided what we want to be, we just can’t get enough of each other. We go everywhere together, kiss a lot and hold hands (if we are dating) or loads of nookie (if we decide to sleep with each other as well). Deciding to enter the relationship leads you to the third phase. This ends if one of the following happens.. The babe chop your money finish, the babe meets another guy, the babe sleeps with another guy.. Guys no dey hear word, even if they are seeing, sleeping or meeting other girls they will still want you.. SMH!!!

Third Phase – The Relationship: This is usually the maker or the breaker. It is the point where guy and girl come out in the open and start meeting friends and minor relations. They start fighting, kissing less, sexing less and actually start doing what they should have continued from the first phase, talking to each other again. Usually, the wahala(problems) the other person carries is more than can be handled and the second person bolts. Other times, they both reach a compromise. In mathematical terms, see below

Quality of sex is directly proportional (or more) to the amount of wahala received or (The amount of good times/the amount of bad times) > 1 = Good signs. Anything less na problem o, for both parties

After all has been said and done, depending on what the couple decides, they decide to move on to the next stage…

Fourth Phase – The Engagement: This is the point when they decide to marry… I shall stop here for now because I truly cannot talk about what I haven’t experienced. Honorary mentions to Marriage, Honeymoon and yet another Relationship till death/divorce do you part.

Having said and done all of the above, if I was to get into the relationship cycle again, here are some laid down rules I would want to get established.

  1. I am a guy, regardless of what you think or what you want, I will remain a guy and think like one. Do not be offended if I want to act like a guy when you want me to do your chick things with you. I will take you shopping, take you to make your hair, but I will not sit with you through it all, unless there is sex involved at the end of it. Meaning? I have to be a husband, fiancée or a one weekend stand.
  2. If you know you have no plans whatsoever, I mean NO PLANS, of getting married to me and you are just here for the kicks and fun, please make plans for lots of nookie, or else kindly move on and don’t waste my time. Thank you
  3. If you kiss me any time after 9pm during the week and it involves tongue, God will punish you if you let it stop there. Same swearing from 9pm on Friday till 10pm on Saturday. Sunday is Holy, lets keep it that way.
  4. I like food, I like to cook, don’t abuse that. My mama, God bless her soul, imbibed those skills as a backup plan on the days the wife goes funny. Note the key word wife.
  5. I agree fights have to happen, but after the first 4 fights please lets establish a pattern. We fight, you bone after 4 days of begging please forgive me. All you have to do to make me forgive you is take off your top and bra. I am easy like that.
  6. If I propose to you and you say no, knowing fully well how I feel, there is no problem. However if you decide to still hang around me.. There is a saying where I am from and it quietly relates to pregnancy. Be warned!! However if I do tell you I do not want to marry you and you still hang around, be ready for loads of dodgery* from me (did I just form a new word? *shrugs). Is this one sided? Sorry, I will reduce the print.
Having said all this, kindly sign
___________________________________________
Thank you.
.
Regards,
                                                  .
Single Nigerian Man
.
My heart is broken, I did not create the word dodgery, it already exists.
In other news, I have a crush, totally seperate and different from Jane Doe. Totally seperate from my blogwife Kiah too. Everyone meet Miz her twivatar is calling my eyes mehn!!! No I am not a…, what’s the word for internet ashewo again?
Disclaimer: I was under the influence, please forgive me. Faced a minor difficulty above; I know of “problems are” but “wahala are” just sounds weird
Dear Wonuola, the diclaimer is for you.
OMG, I am still staring #nowcrying
Now running home.
Yeah you got it right, I have almost found my muse again *sticking tongue out* at Kiah

Bach Eves, Weddings and Things…

Been suffering from internet deficiency syndrome for some days now. In case you don’t know what that means, it is ones inability to get some net browsage over a period of 3days. It drives me bonkers. Maybe that’s why I have been having a case of theories. Oh yes, case of theories happens when I immediately suspect everything that happens around me. Without much ado, let me dive into my post.

I had the misfortune to attend two weddings in a row on Saturday (here’s me hoping none of them ever read this post, I would just die). Wouldn’t you marry? That’s the question I hear in your mind dear reader. Yes I will, but then if I had my way I would marry on a Tuesday just me and my dearest and then spirit her away for the next two weeks for intense coupling to mention a few (there my mind goes again). Ahem… Where was I…?

Had the misfortune to attend two weddings on Saturday but my misery did not start there. My misery started when I decided to attended the Bach Eve scheduled the night before. Here are my theories on the entire weekend.

  1. If you walk into a Bach Eve or any other party and you see many men wait a bit. If after 15 minutes you only see more men trooping in, GO HOME IMMEDIATELY!! Applies to all sexes
  2. Too many men, too much alcohol, too few ladies and you are poised for a borderline disaster movie.
  3. Like the stories I heard before I did my NYSC, on the amount of sex that goes on in there (all false), Bach Eves are overhyped events scheduled to make married men feel special (an opportunity for them to touch and squeeze properties aside from the ones they left at home). They are not planned in anyway to benefit the groom or single brothers in the house. I SHALL NOT HAVE A BACH EVE!!!
  4. If you are a wedding crasher (there only for the chicks) analyse the bride carefully before you attend the wedding. If she is on the average, kindly avoid the wedding. No bride wants any babe to outshine her on her wedding day. Chances are that if you meet a fine babe there, she is either cousin, sister or taken. AVOID!!! In mathematical terms… The beauty of the bride is directly proportional to the number of fine single babes you will encounter in the wedding
  5. I believe that bankers and people in the financial industrial, make the most use of the red light district. They follow closely behind law enforcement personnel

Would say more, but then I think that covers my opinions on the whole wedding things.. That aside, I can’t wait for mine and I do hope it happens sometime soon.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: This is a totally rubbish post written out of boredom. In my bid to have something online I tried to pen down all the random thoughts and theories I thought up over the weekend. Please forgive me for putting you through this.

Notice: Now looking for Single Nigerian Woman/Girl to pen down her thoughts and add some women flava to this whole thing.. No I will not hit on you (I promise)

The Sandwich Effect

Before I go any further and bore/confuse you let me explain something for this blog, if you look to the left, you will something akin to Types of Tales. That simply put, categorizes from now on, any stories my brain and fingers conspire to bring forth. How does it work? Quite easy

  1. Random: These are quite random thoughts my brain brings out that I do remember to write
  2. Tales: These are stories that may or may not be true, depending on how you the reader decide to finish it up (in your head of course)
  3. Tall tales: Most definitely bollocks, just things I think of as a single man to make me happy, e.g. Halle Berry is the woman next door
  4. Yarns: Space for sale, for anybody and everybody

Now that that has been put outside, I can comfortably sit down and let loose.

Ok, where was I? Yes, the sandwich effect. Now the question is what on earth am I talking about and how on earth did I come about such a theory? I have no idea, its just the way my mind works. As a man, I do some pretty stupid things at some really quiet moments (I absolutely mess up even when there is no opportunity to do so) and I know quite a number of ladies would wonder, what on earth is he thinking? Now before I start explaining or confusing as the case may be, take a look at the picture below…

Yummy Sandwich

As a guy, I have a picture of a woman in my head (lets say Halle), I know what she looks like, I have an idea of what she talks like, I have an idea about her attitude and the various things that make up his woman as a whole. That is my Sandwich (no offense ladies, just flow with me). Now we all know that the ingredients largely make up sandwich, but the Chef, oh, the Chef brings it all together. However, we also know that guys in general make the best cooks, but guys also generally don’t know how to cook (oh yes, I put two contradicting statements in one sentence, forgive me).¬† Now the funny thing is this, the average guy is not capable of having his mental sandwich (funny but true), so rather than go to market to search for the ingredients to make his sandwich (which he can’t because he is a bad Chef) or going to a shop to buy his desired sandwich (which he can’t because he can’t afford it). He picks you, yes you. You are either the lettuce, the tomato, the egg, the sliced bread, or the MEAT. Oh yeah, the lettuce makes him feel good about himself, the tomato looks so fresh, the egg is a lot of fun, the sliced bread helps him out with business and things and the MEAT (its in capitals so its the big one), the meat is so hot, it’s unbelievable. Sometimes you might be sour, a bit loud, grumpy, run his stomach or quite frankly, make him sick. He doesn’t mind too much and if he begins to mind, he moves on to some other fresher piece and as long as he is with you, he manages to make you a part of that sandwich or the sandwich itself…

That dear readers, is the Sandwich Effect/Theory or whatever name I might think of in the future. I hope no one is offended by this, I hope no breakups will be caused by this, this is entirely a random tale.

Regards

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Please, this is a random Tale. Thank you