Tag Archives: Theory on women

Gender Theorems

To all guys, especially Bee.
Yes, I want to be chased in a particular way. But no, I will not tell you how. How weird would that be??! It would be like me toasting myself; all I’d have to do is give you the script to read from and point out where to stand.
I have allowed (yes, allowed) you to get as close to me as possible without actual surgery. That is enough for you. You have to figure me out well enough to know what I want to hear, when I need to hear it and how you should say it.
You see, guys claim that the problem with women is that we talk too much without actually communicating. Let me you guys the expo.
All that random gist we fill your ears with? No, that’s not just because we can’t shut up or are eager to entertain you. That gist, young man, forms our lecture notes and you would do well to remember every word.
You see, women are a naturally nurturing breed of organisms. We believe in giving second chances. That’s why we talk about ourselves and our lives, giving you little clues to our personalities and what makes us tick. We are gently preparing you for the tests ahead.
Oh yeah, there will be tests. You have no reason to fail because we have equipped you with all the info you need.
Moral of the story; Listen when your woman talks!
The answers to the comprehension questions are ALWAYS in the passage!
***
On a slightly related note, the one thing I can’t stand is the transfer of blame thing that guys do. Feeling over sharp guy with himself, a guy will refuse to man up and admit to his guilt. Instead, he will go off about how it’s really the woman’s fault for ignoring/ overcrowding him/ loving him knowing “how he is”/ not being there/ expecting too much from him, etc, ad nauseum.
While I’m not lambasting the entire male race, I know that many of them do this; I have watched friends suffer under such conditions. I hate this behaviour. It is unfair to women as women and as human beings.
The moral of this story? Guys, when caught with your pants down, don’t go on about how the nice lady crouched in front of you was only trying to sew on a loose button. Let those cojones drop for the right reason.
Never, ever, lay blame for your crime elsewhere. Admit that you have made an ass of yourself, apologize (and mean it), then BEG.
Q.E.D.
P.S. I will say “guys”, and “MAN”, maybe even “boys”. However, using the word “men” makes me feel old and pervy, so I will use it sparingly.
Disclaimer(per His Majesty’s request): Any aggression in this post is meant in the most loving of ways.:-)

The Hem-line theory

I had an “Eureka moment” today in the shower, where something that totally doesn’t make sense kinda came together in all the wrong places. Usually I would wait till the thought leaks out but I have some sort of word power now, so I guess… Anyways this is how it goes…

Before I continue, I do have to define what my definition of a Hem-line is, “A Hem-line simply put is the distance between the bottom of a skirt and a ladies feet“. That is it, no time for Oxford, Longman or whatever other dictionaries are out there. Now the Hem-line theory states that

In an ideal world, where the grass is always green, the sun always shines and women all think and react alike, the average Hem-line* of a lady is inversely proportional to the time it takes to get beneath it.

Based on my ideal world let us scroll through the different case studies.

  • Study 1, Micro/Mini Hem-line: As the name implies, this goes way above the knees and right up to the thighs.  Micro/Mini SKirt It should be noted that the style and manner with which it is worn is not the point here, the distance to the feet and the amount of leg shown is. Verdict using the Hem Theory: little or no work, Timeline: 1 day to 2 weeks..
  • Study 2, Normal Hem-line: As the name implies this is the average Hem-Line for the average girl. It starts just above the knees and ends just below the knees. As stated above, the style and manner do not count, the distance is all there is to it. If you see a regular girl walking on the street, this is it for her, she has a Normal Hem-line. Verdict using the Hem Theory: some work required, Timeline: 3 weeks to 1 year.
  • Study 3, 3/4 Hem-line: Now at this point things start getting a bit difficult, principles come in, they are hard to get, more difficult to keep and are even more difficult to escape. Be warned, they look and act normal but are far from it. They will reason with you, dispute logic that works with the above Hem-lines and will usually see through an average guy’s lies. Verdict using the Hem Theory: long thing, but is usually worth the effort, Timeline: 6 months to 2 years.
  • Study 4, Any thing longer: Don’t even bother. The most action you will get from these areas are lips, neck if you are lucky and perhaps a little below if you propose, they are prepared for mental sieges, bare-faced lies and anything else the average guy can throw at them, prepare to propose or even marry if you want anything from here. Verdict using Hem Theory:not worth a picture, Timeline: LoL (and still laughing)

In the real world however this has nothing to do with actual Hem-lines and has everything to do with the way ladies think.  I would love to bore you with how this works but then I shall leave it for some other time. However I will say this, that for us men factors that do contribute to getting past them Hem-lines are largely within two very broad areas.

  1. Pride: For guys Oh yes pride, the very thing that makes a man manly in his ideal world. Verdict using Hem Theory: Lose that pride. Pride makes you rigid and you will need flexibility to get past them hem-lines. Pick your battles, know your strengths and use them very wisely. Know what Hem- line you are working against. If you exceed the timelines, you are either doing something wrong or you are quickly becoming a friend.
    For Ladies Oh ladies, yeah watch it, if the guy seems like a wonderful guy to hang out and be with, he probably isn’t (he is either a very good friend or he wants to get beneath your skirt). Verdict using Hem Theory: Know your Hem Line
  2. Integrity: Surprised, guys with integrity will refuse to lie even when Solomon would advise them to. I guess this also walks hand in hand with pride. This means that in very comfortable situations dependent on a simple lie to get things going on (e.g. how do you feel about me John Doe, do you really care about me John Doe), Mr. Integrity will stick to the truth. Verdict using Hem Theory: All Hem-lines become “a long thing” and you will end up getting nad
    Sadly ladies usually don’t get freaky/kinky with guys like this, they know they are doing something bad anyways and absolutely do not want to hear the truth while at it. Verdict using Hem Theory: KMT(hissing to myself)
  3. Other factors: Alcohol, straight-faced lying, white lies, manipulation, etc… Should be used sparingly and wisely, some of them don’t work more than once, so please make them count.

Now I must say, that it has been fun writing this, it made me laugh loads. Please apply sparingly, defend wisely and above all, please observe the definitions for the types of tales.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

* When I say average Hem-line, I mean the average Hem-line of the lady, if she only wears a mini when she is going to party or she is clubbing that doesn’t make the Hem-average a mini, it makes it much longer.

Disclaimer: I no dey o

 

Image Credit to Pretty Wonderful