Tag Archives: SingleNigerian

Gender Theorems

To all guys, especially Bee.
Yes, I want to be chased in a particular way. But no, I will not tell you how. How weird would that be??! It would be like me toasting myself; all I’d have to do is give you the script to read from and point out where to stand.
I have allowed (yes, allowed) you to get as close to me as possible without actual surgery. That is enough for you. You have to figure me out well enough to know what I want to hear, when I need to hear it and how you should say it.
You see, guys claim that the problem with women is that we talk too much without actually communicating. Let me you guys the expo.
All that random gist we fill your ears with? No, that’s not just because we can’t shut up or are eager to entertain you. That gist, young man, forms our lecture notes and you would do well to remember every word.
You see, women are a naturally nurturing breed of organisms. We believe in giving second chances. That’s why we talk about ourselves and our lives, giving you little clues to our personalities and what makes us tick. We are gently preparing you for the tests ahead.
Oh yeah, there will be tests. You have no reason to fail because we have equipped you with all the info you need.
Moral of the story; Listen when your woman talks!
The answers to the comprehension questions are ALWAYS in the passage!
***
On a slightly related note, the one thing I can’t stand is the transfer of blame thing that guys do. Feeling over sharp guy with himself, a guy will refuse to man up and admit to his guilt. Instead, he will go off about how it’s really the woman’s fault for ignoring/ overcrowding him/ loving him knowing “how he is”/ not being there/ expecting too much from him, etc, ad nauseum.
While I’m not lambasting the entire male race, I know that many of them do this; I have watched friends suffer under such conditions. I hate this behaviour. It is unfair to women as women and as human beings.
The moral of this story? Guys, when caught with your pants down, don’t go on about how the nice lady crouched in front of you was only trying to sew on a loose button. Let those cojones drop for the right reason.
Never, ever, lay blame for your crime elsewhere. Admit that you have made an ass of yourself, apologize (and mean it), then BEG.
Q.E.D.
P.S. I will say “guys”, and “MAN”, maybe even “boys”. However, using the word “men” makes me feel old and pervy, so I will use it sparingly.
Disclaimer(per His Majesty’s request): Any aggression in this post is meant in the most loving of ways.:-)

Before you say I do…

I always had the impression growing up that it would be easy.. All you would have to do is go down on one knee and pop the question, and the answer will be most likely yes. I have been to countless weddings (lie, I hate weddings).. Sorry, I have been to a couple of weddings, watched countless movies, heard plenty gist and testimonies and really and truly, they make things look so easy. I now know better. They lied, each and every one of them, movies don’t capture thought processes. They lied when they said they just knew you would be the one, they probably lied when they say God told them, they lied when they said it was easy. The only truth I have heard was from my pastor and to me now , it was only partial, because he freaked out only after “she” said yes.

This is by far the most difficult decision I have ever had to make, the decision to ask you to marry me. I have visioned it a thousand times, a thousand times a thousand and it was always romantic, in it you always said yes, in it, everything was perfect. In real life however, I am freaked out, so many things are running through my mind.

I remember the first night we spent together, we talked all night different topics, random things. Time stood still when we were together, we created our own world. I remember the day I knew it was you, back at the beginning, I heard it clearly and I felt it too. I remember the countless fights we had, the little one, the big ones and the playful ones. We have come so far been through so much together that we could literally be married. So why am I so scared? Why am I quietly freaking out?

I am scared that I am not good enough, scared of failing you. Scared I am not ready, scared of what the future would hold. I have always believed that before starting out on a journey, a man should be prepared for whatever the future could hold, he should be ready to cater for his family, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I do not think I am ready.

I am scared of what your answer would be, that regardless of all we have been together, I am scared your answer would be no.

Do I love you? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Yes to both, every single time. However, all the love and all my desires are not helping me, not today, not since the last time I saw you. I saw you and everything changed, we have been apart for so long that I feel that the bond we once had has seriously weakened. The man is supposed to be the strong person, supposed to reassure the woman, make her feel secure, knowing that he is always there. Lies! All lies!! I now believe every single one of us freaked out just a little bit before the question. The ones that didn’t, had ulterior motives.

Dear Jane Doe,

If you ever read this (I know I chased you away with one angry post I wrote), know this… You are the only one that knows how I truly feel about you apart from me. And you are the only one that knows how hard I find it to describe my true feelings. I am not perfect, I might not be many people’s version of ideal. There are many things lacking in my life that I am yet to get. Freaking out is an understatement of how I feel but underneath it all, my feelings for you have not changed in the 6 years I have known you. I may have buried it for a while, hidden it for a while but it is all there, from the first day till date.

I am freaking out, I have been freaking out all weekend and all week and I have been trying to hide it and I am failing, its only a matter of time before it starts showing.

Regards

John Doe

Disclaimer: Women in general like to assume we are cold calculating people who have the answers to almost everything. Have it all planned out. Men cry, men die, men freak out just like you, they just hide it better (makes me wonder about the Men from Mars and Women from Venus thing). If you by any chance know Jane Doe, please keep this from her.

MsLuffa is this good enough to classify as part of the Jane Doe chronicles?

17 Wonders of John Doe

I was listening to Questions by Asa and it totally inspired me to write this. There are many questions I would like to ask, answers I know I would probably never have. Some things do make me wonder, I just thought to share some of them. Yes it is totally random, no it is not directed at anyone in particular.

  1. I wonder why I write and speak English, it is the only official language I know. However I think in a language I myself do not understand. Maybe the key is in the word official.
  2. I wonder sometimes why quickies and one night stands provide more children than an actual baby making process. Is it that sperm with intent fail to hit the target? While suicide squads generally are on target? (Yes I said it, please don’t sue me)
  3. I wonder why ladies deem it fit to shave of their eyebrows just so they can use a pen or pencil to draw over it? Thought make up was to cover up defects or make yourself generally look better than you do naturally?
  4. I wonder why some people get to have abortions while others lose their kids or their lives during legitimate childbirth.
  5. I wonder why music artists start out so well, but most fail to keep up to their own standards as time goes by. I mean there is an option called retire (Just listened to Kanye’s first album now, that is about the only album of his I have listened to)
  6. I wonder why girls paint their face with  oyibo peoples makeup and take pictures. Its so obvious you caked your face and it looks sooooooo fake. No brown powder does not work either (laugh Jane Doe, I haff said my own)
  7. I wonder why being a gentleman hardly gets you babes, however when you stop being one you become an idiot just like the rest of us.
  8. I wonder why every single female says they are different from every other female. Yet they call men sexist, male chauvinists and every other thing they can think of to make us feel bad. Talk of burner calling kettle black (no pot won’t do in this case)
  9. I wonder why people who gossip the most are the ones with the biggest secrets, backstabbers the most insecure. I mean sort yourself out first.
  10. I wonder how and why a man will make grand plans and schemes to set himself up. If the plan is so complicated, get a sidekick. If you must screw yourself over, do it with someone. Plan well or don’t plan at all, go green and save yourself the energy.
  11. I wonder why people put the burden of perfection on pastors, priests and men of God. They know that they are pillars of truth already and they are already trying to live up to that. Why put your own wahala and expectation untop their head (that is unless you are an agent of darkness)
  12. I wonder why Muslims, Budhists, etc, become Christians. But most atheists started out as Christians.
  13. I wonder why when people die, everyone wants to know their business. I mean the guy/girl/man/woman walked by you every single day and you never bothered to find it out. I understand amebo for the living, but for the dead? (SMH) Shame on you!!!
  14. I wonder what bloggers do to get so much traffic on their blogs. I know I don’t know that many people but I don’t know them either and yet I see their blogs. Who sees mine?
  15. I wonder what on earth it would take to get the few people who do come here to comment on my posts.
  16. I wonder why people think I am weird.
  17. I sincerely wonder why Jane Doe spends or wastes any time with me. I am impossible, even to myself…

There it is, I would have given a lot more but my boss just worked in. I think its time I worked for my pay.

Regards

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: This cannot in anyway be used against me. Not in any court of law, beer parlour or Abuja garden!!! Thank you