Tag Archives: Single Nigerian Man

Single Nigerian Meets MissMeddle – Literally…

Single Nigerian Man exposed at last
My darlings who no longer love me – if ever at all you did… I have gist. Fresh, hot, beautiful gist.

After our initial meeting, I was finally granted permission to meet His Majesty!! Let me give you the breakdown of how it all went down.

So then, there we were staring at each other, trying to match real life to all the chats and texts and calls and pictures. Then came the awkward moment. My mental calculator was rapidly measuring whether or not to hug him, if I should give him a side hug filled with shoulder blade, or bless him with a full frontal. Our guy, meanwhile, was peaceably leaning in for a bear hug.

So we ended up having a weird semi-full frontal (does this make any sense?!!). So, that little bridge safely crossed, we proceeded to sit down and argue over possession of the tv remote. That over and done with (I won, yay me!), we stared alternately at the tv and at each other.

OK, I must confess that this was when I began prattling on a bit. Yes, I yammered on about the inconsequential for a few minutes. Sigh. I was nervous. Personally, I’m much more comfortable with our virtual friendship and vague promises of meeting at undefned points in the future. I wasn’t sure I really wanted to be in the same room with him…

So we crawled along conversationally, with a few scattered laughs for extra flavour. At some point, your man made a comment about how I didn’t even seem happy to see him. Quite calmly, I explained to the individual that I could only be happy to see him if we’d had a prior meeting. As it was, he was lucky I opened the door, gave him the bony hug and let his feet cross the entryway.

All in all, though, it wasn’t a bad meet. I have finally met the invisible man. Congrats to me.

P.S.

Dear Majesty, to protect your reps, I will not tell them about that weird comment you made. You know the one.

P.P.S.

He also asked if I had any blogging gist for him. Little did he know that I would come up with this. Aren’t I evil?

Love,

Joy.

🙂

Once Upon a Stranger

the invisible man? where?
Single Nigerian Man

On a dark, warm night somewhere in Lagos not too long ago, a stupendously beautiful girl (okay…me) sat fiddling around with a (borrowed) laptop. Was it fate that caused her to Google “single Nigerian blogs”? One wonders. Whatever force lay behind it, though, Google she did. Somewhere on the first result page (practically at the bottom), she hovered a while before finally clicking. And there our story begins.

There she discovered an entity, Single Nigerian Man, who tickled her something. Abeg o! I mean, he aroused… erm, ignited… sparked?! Mstcheew. He didn’t bore me within the first five minutes, sha. So I read his views on a wide array of random and serious <cough> issues, getting slightly freaked out with every word.

On paper… erm, screen, we seemed the perfect kindred spirits! Weird, abi? He too dreams of that ultimate no-holds-barred relationship. He too couldn’t care less about the size of his wedding- personally, 10 people on my guest list is more than enough. He too gets derailed by his healthy imagination every time he opens his mouth. He too believes firmly in old-fashioned romance, despite the ubiquitous evidence to the contrary. I could go on, but sense I should stop.

So it was with sweaty palm that I put pen to paper… Okay, ah! I sent him an email applying for the advertised slot, you know, so I could work under him.

On his blog!

Thus began our little… hmm… acquaintanceship? Work relationship? Whatever you wish to call it. Already, there are things I do not like about him. This is a good thing, though. Now, the first thing my bff told me when I relayed this gist to her was, “I don’t want all the details now. I can forgive anything, but IS HE FINE?!”. Let me answer that here. Short of the ajebo-looking feet everyone else has seen, I haven’t the slightest clue what he looks like. He is one of those. People who blog anonymously in order to discuss things they know they would be disowned for…

Anyway, he sounds (relatively) reasonable over the phone, so let’s give him a break. So far, we have tweeted and texted and emailed. There is yet hope of redemption for him, jare.

From now henceforth, my bff (see above) shall be known as Dahling! since this is what I actually call her.

Also, Single Nigerian Man shall be known as either His Majesty (HM) or Not-So-James-Bond (NSJB). Heehee… looks like New King James Version, abi?

Till next time, children. Ciao! 🙂

A series of Unfortunate Events

In case you are wondering why I am starting this post with a half naked picture of a well known man, do not be worried. I am not gay, he is not pregnant and neither am I. That people is my resolution for 2012. Yes I said it. No more dulling or messing around, I need to burn the carbs, get some abs and muskles. I want to be able to take my shirt off and have it speak volumes. Yes I said it, after 3 years of thinking I want to be an African Beau Wonder with brains. Why the change of heart? Why not? I have two brothers from other mothers who have been attempting to kill me for the past couple of months. Yes I am reporting Senor Baroque and Blaq Bobby to you all. We are all involved in something called the #movement where they do pushups ranging from 250 to 300 and situps ranging from 100 to 200, the sad thing is, they expect me to be a part of it. Me? Kai!! Before I bore you with my physical constraints, I shall proceed with my post.

Now I must confess if all what is written below had happened in one day to just one person, I have to admit, that Aladdin’s genie would have a lot of work cut out for him (oh I forget, we are in Nigeria). Without further ado, make I proceed.

Event 1: The Sweaty Episode: If you have ever been in a car, driving or being driven and had a serious case of the runs, this is for you. Now this is the average scenario, you manage to get yourself into an eatery or you get home on time right after you break into a cold sweat. In the story you are about to read, this is not the case.

Imagine yourself as an omo boy, you jejely dey inside car dey relax, when you start feeling the heat of the runs. Now that is normal. Imagine that you are in a car driving at a 120km/h in the middle of nowhere when you hear In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins playing (don’t ask me why it just seems perfect for the scenario). Your tummy rumbles, and stops, no shakings make we dey go. Tummy rumbles and then stops (now playing Breathe and Stop by Qtip) and then starts and won’t stop. All of a sudden sweat starts breaking loose and running free and you know deep down in your heart that there is a problem. Did I forget to mention that there is this quite stunning beauty in the car with you have been trying to hit it with? SHIT (and I mean that literally)!!! If you were in that situation, what would you do? I would weigh the following options; the chances of meeting her again, the chances of actually getting something started and the chance that I would do a little doodle in the ride. Mathematical equation below

Chance of meeting her again: Close to zero

Chance of getting something started: Close to zero

Chance of starting something smelly: Close to 1

If that is the answer people I would face bush squarely…

Event 2: The Blackout: Now if you have ever blacked out before, then you may know exactly what I am talking about here. I must point out that a blackout as I mean it has no relation to a knock out or a pass out. They are totally different terms.

Anyways, I had the misfortunate fortune of going to a gym for a workout session. My first session in nearly 18months. No wahala there. Now I like to act like I am power mike in things like this, push my body to the limits and things. Na so I climb treadmill o. Instead of me to on the thing they waka dey go, na so I climb am on am put the thing on full speed and started running. 15mins later I got down, all the gym people where hailing me, I was feeling like a stud. There was a football match going on, sat down to watch it on a chair that gave crappy massages and I lost my sense of vision. I swear, PHCN took light in my brain and I was blind for like 5 mins. I freaked!!! As in I nearly ran mind numbingly mad. I was blind. Thoughts that ran through my mind included; who send me? How will I find my way home? Them don swear for me from village. CHINEKE!! Thinking about it now, I laugh but people, it was far from funny.

Event 3: The lift, the chick and the smell…: I remember that day like it was this morning.. It was very early in the morning and I was rushing out of my building because I was quite late. Ran to the lift and pressed the call button, as I was contemplating running down the stairs, the lift door opened and I saw this beautiful girl alone in the lift. I opened my mouth slightly, closed it firmly and entered the lift. And as I turned to say hi, I smelt it. My mind blew. The aroma that wafted up my nose was not gentle, it was not perfume. It smelled like a mixture of fart, onions, eggs and coke. I am a man, but there are some things I CANNOT take. Fine woman and gas is one of them. I came down on the next floor and took all 12 flights of stairs to the parking lot. I fit shout o, but I no ready die. If it was you, what would you do? Oh yeah, this is totally fictional. It did not happen or did it?

I have a new definition of disappointment today. It is watching a very boring film for 70mins on cable hoping to catch a glimpse of boobies with one or all of the following happening when the scene comes up

  • Light goes.
  • Light goes, comes back and then goes again
  • Light goes and the generator refuses to start or the security guard is sleeping.
  • All of the above happen only for the light to come back on and the cable station edits the scene because it is deemed inappropriate for viewers
That people is a series of unfortunate events.
.
Regards
.
Single Nigerian Man
.
Disclaimer: I am not to blame for the series of laughter this may cause.. Any attempt to link any of this to me will end up rather badly.
In other news, I am going to have a wish come true in less than a month. I am going on vacation.. Happiness 🙂
Now I am wondering if I should just start blogging on the regular, bi-weekly or tri-weekly.

It’s a blog thing?

Looking at the blogosphere, everyone who is anyone is blogging, writing about things that entertain, things that matter and things that honestly no one cares about. I could go on and on about the blogosphere but that will probably upset me a bit and make me foam just a little bit around the mouth (big lie but then really, who cares). And speaking of foaming around the mouth, let me say just a little bit about myself and this blog.

I am a single Nigerian man and by Nigerian man, I mean I have all the qualities of a typical Nigerian man well I lack quite a number of attributes, but best believe, the qualities are all there. The typical qualities of a Nigerian man include but are not limited to

  • Knowledge of pretty much anything on earth (basic knowledge I mean)
  • Knowledge of all the form factors of African women (Whatever level there is above basic)
  • Apparent ability to analyse african women from a distance and know all there is to know about them without having said one word to them (a skill that can be called upon only when we are in the company of friends who think just like us)
  • Love for all kinds of dishes that taste good, but most definitely cannot be cooked by us (In most cases)
Now every Nigerian man has one or more of these qualities and they may try to deny it, but then these qualities are like stickers and you can either stick it on their forehead, chest on the part of my anatomy slightly above my back pocket. Which brings me to the reason for starting this blog.. Ehmmm, boredom? Yeah that might be the primary reason, but then there is also the fact that Nigerian women know even less of Nigerian men than we do of them. We may have the same qualities, but we have rather different attributes (will explain more about this as time goes on)..
On a more serious note however, just thought to share my thoughts, ideas and perhaps escapades as a single Nigerian man to all and all who might by any chance stumble on my scribblings, I do hope if you don’t leave here endowed with some form of knowledge, that at least we share some laughs…
Welcome to my little world of intrigue, lies and wishful thinking. You will find me using some words you have never heard before, words you have heard before which you assumed meant something else and then words which I totally created right off the top of my head. You will also find out that I speak nearly perfect English, almost no native language and so you should please forgive me. However I speak nearly perfect pidgin, quite a bit of Waffi and quite a lot of rubbish. With your help, I guess I will have to make quite a number of changes.
Thanks for dropping by…
Regards
Single Nigerian Man
Oh yeah, I have absolutely no idea what the title of this post has to do with anything I just mentioned