Tag Archives: Shopping

Jane Singleton

 

I’m a single Nigerian girl. Forget the fact that my command of Nigerian pidgin is shaky at best and I couldn’t find my way to my village to save my life; all that is by the way. I think… English is the only language I’m fluent in; it what we speak at home and what I speak with my friends. That doesn’t make me any less Nigerian; I love my country. It helps that it’s the only country I know.

As for being single, hmmm. that aspect is purely my fault o. Sure, I know lotsa guys with at least some of the traits I seek, but the thing is, I refuse to “manage” any of them. No way. As a girlfriend of mine recently said, “I’m waiting for my Mr. Right o, no one else will do.” I agree and will hold on for that one dude who can crack my code (no innuendo intended), who will understand me and all my weird (cute) ways.

And so I find myself single, not necessarily looking to mingle, but not left with much of a choice either. Sure, there are always guys hanging around, they have a sixth sense for unattached females and girls in stable relationships. Frankly, I find their attempts to impress highly entertaining. Choosing not to grant any of their more incriminating requests is the definition of being single.

The life of a singleton is similar to being let loose in a crowded, rowdy market. Schlepping from shop to shop looking for the perfect outfit. So many great possibilities, but always with one unforgivable shortcoming or other. I have never been a girly girl. This, coupled with the panic of a fast-approaching unwanted birthday, make for a very long, tiring shopping experience for me.

Good thing I don’t wear heels, then.

The Rules of Shopping

Wrote this a long time ago, it still brings mixed feelings now I am reading it.. Anyways, enjoy!

This was inspired by an un-interesting day of shopping where I spent more time waiting than actually doing any shopping, I penned down a number of tips for us dudes when we do go out with women… Giving the gist will defeat the purpose of this post.

1.1. Leave your phone at home: This way if you conveniently get lost, you cannot be reached…
1.2. Offer to hold her phone for her…: This way even if you do get lost she can’t reach you, and as you most certainly do not want to be reaching her this makes it even better for her (sorry I actually mean you).
1.3. Act like you are interested in checking out things she is not interested in… This way you can politely get her to suggest that you both meet up at some place in the mall at a particular time(which she wont keep anyway).
1.4. Go back home immediately… Does that sound evil? You don’t have your phone, you have her phone, the probability of her using a payphone to call you is non-existent add to that the state of bliss she attains while shopping, the probability of her running into you (9/6,000,000,000, and that is not the number of people on earth; more like the number of people plus things to look at in a mall) and the fact that the happiest place a single sane man can be is anywhere away from a shopping complex. Everything together makes a pretty slim chance of discovery and a very presentable case if caught.
1.5. Having done all the number crunching and dodging, I finally settled for this: If you are not married to it, or intending to; kindly request to be left at home (including your mother)

N/B
The number of old men I had standing with me was quite larger than the amount of young men…
(Note to self, I must remember to carry 7 newspapers, 2 novels and one psp next time(for variety))

Finally: I must say that:
1. Anything done above is done at your own risk. In other words YOU ARE ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN!!!
2. Please if you do try it, feedback will be much appreciated.
3. Please married men, and prospective ones, do not try this at home, or else you could become a prospective bachelor…
4. For any more information check number 1.

Finally…
If you think I am jobless, it took me three hours to think up this. Three hours I spent with lots of different old men (very patient old men I must add), no newspapers, books or psp’s and a persistently ringing phone(perks of going out with another person’s girlfriend; hence 1.5). Three very hot frustrating hours!!!
And I thought it up using totally unrelated events too, this is by no means related to a true life story. It is totally non-fictional. Oh that is a big lie.. It all happened and it happened to me.

Hehehe… Enjoy!!!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Need I say more? PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS IN THE MOTHERLAND!!! Nigerian girls sabi cram phone number

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