Tag Archives: sex

Scarlet Writes: Celibacy

I just want to have sex. It’s been 5 months now and at this point, I have gone numb all over. A cold shower is now the equivalent of wild, inhibited, primal nookie. A hot shower is the same as long walks, speaking sweet nothings and indulging in little pleasures like Rum, butter scotch flavored ice cream, chocolate cake or milk chocolate. Oh yeah, that is the most action I have had in all 5 months.

You know when I made this pact, it seemed like a pretty smart idea. Stay off sex for 6months. I was sure I could do it!! But by the third month, I was seeing red. This coupled with the fact that my lips had forgotten what a kiss felt like, or the wonders a hand was capable of! *sigh*

Well I survived up until month four when the universe decides to toy with me.


All he did was pay me a complement and my brain shut down,for the next 2 hours I blacked out!

So back to my Topic, the one I always had in mind


Myth or possibility?

Can someone who is active sexually be celibate?My honest opinion? Laugh.Out.Loud

Sex will FIND you, Be very Afraid! Its impossible, maybe a monk could pull it off, but kids of today? Ha!!!

A camel has a better chance of passing a needle’s eye, no one and I mean no one is fully celibate. Reminds me of that movie 40 days, 40 nights (My inspiration for this madness); the movie where yummy Josh Hartnett gives up sex for the Lenten period because for some reason, whenever he is having sex it seems like there is an earthquake in the room and the walls are closing in on him, that is crazy awesome (In my opinion. But what do I know?). I went celibate for 8months with no reason, to no point and purpose!

I digress…

Well he lasted up to day 39, plus that was a movie.

In real life, no frigging way because the flesh is way too weak, unless you are asexual like some chick i knew that hates sex, lets forget that topic, it is too ‘morbid’ for this talk.

No one can every truly be celibate there must be some sort of outlet

Some people turn to hobbies; writing,reading, etc. But at some point sex will catch up with you. Some spank the monkey, polish the knob; can’t think of any other phases to describe it (they masturbate). Now this act was an abomination some twenty years ago but for some reason, it’s now acceptable to choke the chicken, slap the salami, dig for clams, ’just reading mom’, whack the saddle, stroke the magic lamp, audition the finger puppets.. WHOA!!! Google has alot of phrases to describe this act.

So the million dollar question; Can you claim to be celibate while choking the bishop, shaving the carrot, cleaning the rifle, enagaging in safe sex, greasing the pole? Seriously though the names are endless…

And the answer is NO!

Celibacy is not as easy as u might think, even a virgin that masturbates isn’t celibate. A friend of mine claimed he was celibate for a whole year and he doesn’t masturbate and I laughed in his face. So u didn’t have sex for a year big whoop but to say u were celibate, because you didn’t engage in a physical relationship with the opposite sex is just laughable. Puuuhlease don’t deceive yourself, you were having sex with yourself (technically).

As for people who claim not to touch themselves, you might as well start wearing spandex with an alphabet on chest ,cause that’s definitely a ‘superpower’’!


Being a Gentleman

Being a dignified gentleman is not about how much you have to give as much as it is the desire to give however much or little you do have – Jane Helpern

Now first of all (not introduction), that very day(Valentine’s Day if you did not get the memo) is now 10 days away. This means we have 10 days of (for us single or near single people) walking around with our eyes, ears and lips closed. Praying earnestly for the 15th of February to come because it means that once again we can have relative peace. People will be talking about their partners, their spouses and what they intend to do for them. On that very day I can see myself sitting down quietly at my desk working, while the colleagues, will be opening packages received and planning sweaty, romantic nights and weekends. We all know the drill. 9 months from now there will be a plethora of babies and it will be another year gone by without my dreams of Lil’ Miss Sunshine coming to fruition. Continue reading Being a Gentleman

Burning rubber: The condom trialogue…

Nonsense mode activated, celibacy mode on, foolishness in full swing and here I go…

Its another weekend gone, the last weekend in the third quarter and looking back at all the months, what have I achieved? Partial madness I would say, though even that is gradually dissipating. Unlike in 2008/2009/2010 where I could have pointed out different things I had achieved, this year I have nothing to show. Maybe that is as a result of working for the Nigerian government *shrugs*.

Its 12pm and I am already done with work, direct cause of Decided to use this extra time to do a totally useless post. I have heard of “the vagina monologues” and God knows there are a lot of men who only think with their penises (is that the plural?), so I can honestly say that both parties are covered. However there is a 3rd party (the kid) which people rarely talk about and a 4th party which no one ever talks about. Today dear 4th Party, it is your turn.

Now if Forbes were to do an analysis on the most bought item on the planet, what would you think it would be? Bought in terms of the numbers. I think a condom is bought almost every minute on the planet. Yeah I know they come in packs of 3, 2, 6 and above but if you take the average rate, I think it makes it at least 1 every minute. Scary thoughts. Googling condom analysis brings up topics ranging from; what the pope said to latex vs non latex, self efficacy studies (whatever the heck that means) and some other boring topics that sincerely and frankly make me want to sleep.

Firstly I would like to blame you Mr. Condom for the increased sexual activity now trending all over the world. Before it became normal to walk into a “grocery” store and buy a condom men and women worldwide were scared of “unwanted” pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and the likes. The condom took all that away.

Its not ok to blame the product without screaming at the creators. Although condoms have been in use for ages, the past 60 years has seen an increase in knowledge of existence and its usage. Thanks to television, magazines and the internet. Condoms are now available to people of all ages and classes *sigh*

Gone are the days when one would feel shy about going to buy condoms. Gone are the days where abstinence was the best protection. Gone are the days when people refused to understand why anyone would want to have more than one partner, gone are the days when being a virgin was a thing of pride.Did I say this was going to be a rubbish post? I lied. I remember when zip up was the thing in the late 90s abi early 2000 (can’t remember). Teens all over the country used to sing it with pride “zip zip zip up“, I remember that vividly. That was then. That was before Durex, RoughRiders and all the flavours, ribbed very thin and all. Just like the company Apple after the creation of the Ipod, Condoms exploded in this country.

Now I might be old fashioned but do you see anything wrong with this picture?  I do, now before today I thought this made sense, but really, can you tell your little daughter to practise safe sex? Really? How safe is sex of any form? Knowing the physical, emotional and other implications?

How about this picture? We all believe our kids should have phones, right now I have a phone in my bag for him and I am having serious thoughts about it.

Now why am I going on and on about it? It comes down to the title of this post, “Burning rubber”, for the sake of the future generation who to me are running along the border of internet insanity, adding sex to the mix is one sure fire way to disaster. Burn them rubbers people, preach abstinence.


Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Boredom.

Here’s a list of 10 interesting facts about condoms that you might not know, from Canada.

1. On average, condoms hold about 4 quarts of liquid. That’s about 16 cups or 1 gallon of liquid or 3.8 litres. That’s larger than most Milk Bottles!

2. Most modern-day condoms (over 90%) are made of latex, the rest from polyurethane or lamb intestines.

3. Ancient Egyptians reportedly used condoms as early as 1350 BC. These were reportedly made from animal bladders or intestines.

4. Over the years, a variety of materials have been used as Condoms. Among the materials were linen, sheep, lamb and goat intestines; fish skin, silk and thin leather.

5. Only Latex Condoms can stop the transmission of HIV. Tests have shown that Polyurethane and lamb condoms do not stop the transmission of the virus.

6. Oils and most lotions will cause latex to breakdown. As such, only use water or silicone based lubricants when using latex condoms.

7. Using 2 or more condoms at the same time is more dangerous than using 1. The friction between the two can cause tearing and ripping.

8. Exposure to heat or sunlight or by age can weaken and harden the condoms, causing them to be fragile and tear during use. Always keep them in a cool and dry location.

9. During World War II, condoms were used to cover rifle barrels from being damaged by salt water as the soldiers swam to shore.

10. Condoms have been sold in vending machines since 1928.

As always, remember that using a Condom is the safest and most reliable method of stopping the transmission of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). However, it’s always better to use 2 forms of contraceptives if possible to stop undesirable pregnancies.

Now why have sex at all? Why not preach abstinence? SMH

I think I am ready for a Jane Doe post now