Tag Archives: Scarlet Diaries

Scarlett’s Diary: Wedding Blues, Woes and everything between

The last time I remember being an active participant at a wedding was at age 6, I was my 2nd cousin’s little bride. It was all smiles and people pinching my cheeks telling me how much prettier than the bride I looked.

That was 20-odd something years ago, this is now and story don change
So I recently (by recently I mean a year and some months ago)  attended another cousin’s wedding and he somehow cornered me into reading his intention letter in front of both families and guests at the Traditional Wedding (Like seriously an intention letter?)!!  I managed not to mess it up and assumed I was in the clear. I was wrong because I had at least 3 aunts and an Uncle on my case as to why I was over 25 and still single and unmarried.

The day of the White wedding came, I managed to evade 2 of my aunts and my uncle who all started the conversation with ..”Ah, so when are we coming for yours”. Unfortunately it was a wedding with no alcohol; no wine, no champagne, no hard liquor, just juice, water and Eva grape juice or is it wine Nigerians call it?…..(msschew!) . The things we do for family, include attending a wedding without booze and deep down I knew it was going to be a long day.

The devil’s chocolate cake for dessert could only do so much, so I got to the juice bar and the waiter made something colourful for me, Chapman he called it. Chapman without Campari is just juice and cucumbers to me… In my opinion.

The thought of that day still gives me the hibbie-gibbies. Anywho, on my way back to the high table,  Aunt number 3 cuts me off, commented on how pretty I looked (might I add, I looked HOT that day) and before I knew it she was saying things like ‘ reproductive peak’ and a woman shriveling up after age 30. I had the look of utter disbelief and shock, now I really wish I could be smoking what she was high on because I couldn’t deal. I tried to leave but the woman no gree oh she held on to my hand refusing to let go. I practically peeled her off my arm and dashed back to my seat and there I hid there till the Vote of Thanks…

I later found a bottle of vodka under the table (probably one of the groom’s men hid it). You know the rest.

So now, I avoid weddings because if you think these emotional land mines only happen at family meetings or occasions then, you are most definitely a learner.

Engaged, married friends and acquaintances have joined the ‘let’s-make-our-single-friends-feel -bad’ bandwagon, after all I am single by choice abi? As far as they know, I have turned down bridesmaid’s offers more times this year than I care to remember. Even friends’ of family I haven’t spoken to in ages want me as a bridesmaid. The hen night, the dresses, the shoes, accessories. Sheesh! I donate tonnes of money (that I don’t have BTW) to your martial bliss and all I get is “Don’t worry,your time will come”. Who said I am looking to get married now? And if I am, kindly leave that job to the relatives!!

Don’t get me started on the bouquet toss, that is now a compulsory subject! I mean the MC now makes the bride call out her single friends. Hian!! With Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies‘  always in the background!! Next time Beyonce comes on, I am out of that reception hall. Rubbish!
Even the garter tradition, has been almost phased out or was never a thing in Naija as far as I know.

So please, I beg you,if you feel sorry for me, please by all means get me a deluxe suite(complete with a mini bar) for the after wedding party, hook me up with a hot, interested groom’s man with sociopathic tendencies when it comes to sex. That will do just fine in comforting my ‘single, sad self’  and if he turns out to be THE ONE..JACKPOT!!
I guess Scarlet just won the Lottery.
xoxo

Scarlett

 

Image credit to Bonkersycrax 

The Scarlet Diaries: Diplomatic Bedding

Don’t let the title fool you, I am in no way getting into the politics of this country,I’ll need more than just one post, every other day of the week.
Today I am talking about diplomacy in the Bedroom. What to say,what not to say and OMG! You said what?! Where do we draw the line?
Personally, I am a firm believer of action and saying what needs to be said, its better to say too much, than never having to say what you need to say. Sorry Mr. Mayer couldn’t resist..
[quote style=”boxed”]And my opinion is, If the sex is shit….. SPEAK UP! TALK IT! SAY IT! (Don’t oh!)[/quote]
Keep reading I’ll get there….

“Performance is Key,Size is an Illusion.” Quote me anywhere.

Do you know how many people walking around feeling like Kratos and Aphrodite?
They think they fell from Mount Olympus all because of being tactful, diplomatic?
‘Don’t say anything, you’ll bruise his ego or shrivel it’
‘She’ll scratch out your eyes, curse your generation’
E dey pain, I know, but there are ways these problems can be solved. Don’t go about cursing people oh, and say Scarlet sent you…LOL!
Think about it
‘Were those moans real’?
‘Were his grunts out of frustration cos you lay down there like a log of wood’?
One minute men KNOW! So do soggy noodles women…. I am sorry.
Wouldn’t you want to know how good you are in the sack? I would!!! If there was a Shag-o-meter I’ll probably have several.
That’s the performance part

Now the size part, this is tricky and another ball game. (Pun)
Because minus going under the knife, there is really no other way to enhance parts. We are all wonderfully and beautifully made.
So picture this, he is behind doing his thing and keeps trying to jiggle her behind. Dude! It won’t jiggle, she has a small behind!
The constant insults A-cups receive, it’s not their fault naaa..
Or imagine he drops trouser and u don’t know whether to ( -̩̩̩͡˛ -̩̩̩͡ ), pet it, giggle or beg to just cuddle.
Let’s face it, you have to know when you aren’t errrrm… Huge? Male or Female
And if you do,you better have skills, and if its too errrm big, there are ways around it #punveryintended
When people say
‘I don’t watch porn, it’s immoral, it’s funny, it’s not a turn on; blah blah blah but you are sexually active..See MUMU!!!
Yes I said it!
For those who do, google ‘Asa Akira’ she is the best thing from Japan since samurai…and hentai.
*aherm*
Anyways, I read Cosmopolitan like a maniac, because what is worth doing is worth doing well….YES? Hell Yes! 50 shades of Grey might be smut! But we all learnt a thing or too after reading it (for those who did).
Because there is nothing worst than after being plummed for hours, he falls asleep and you are lying there feeling cheated and frustrated. Or she has the body of Serena Williams, twerks like a video vixen and in the sack, you might as well inflate a doll and cuddle. Marriages and relationships have ended because of bad coitus, it is a BIG deal, sha I blame it on the previous people they’ve been with #justsaying

Finally….
Life compensates,if you aren’t well-endowed,make up for it in mad skills and techniques. If you are well packaged male or female, doesn’t mean because you have the parts you won’t prove your ‘selling point‘. Some men think cause they are hung, they don’t need skills…… errrr WRONG! Same with women with racks the size of Russia and booty for miles.
Lady/Gentleman in the streets,Freak in the sheets…
Bentley and Danfo, dey go mechanic for ‘engine-tuning’
If you are of consenting age,sexually active or hyperactive
Remember this
Performance is Key, Size is an illusion’
Porn(movies,books etc) isn’t perverse, Kama sutra  isn’t unnecessary
Cosmopolitan( magazines not cocktail) isn’t trash, No Knowledge is wasted

Thank me later

Scarlet

sex-etiquette

Image credit to QueerIV and What She Said Boston

Scarlet Diaries: This Val’s Day

This year’s val’s day couldn’t have come at a better time. A day after Ash Wednesday? Day 2 into lent. Haahahahhahahahaha! No meat of any kind. *chokes*
Ahem, so the question as to what you are giving up for lent pops up; will this be the test of your relationship and your spirituality? *GhenGhen*
Us single folks are here grinning from ear to ear,most of you might still carry ash on your forehead and go out pre Val’s day. God is watching you,it is the Lenten Period! Alcohol,Sex,Caffeine; top three things to give up for lent….*chuckles*
Personally I have never been a fan of Val’s Day. It’s irritating, pointless and overrated. It’s not a real holiday, you don’t get the day off and Lagos traffic takes a script right from hell. The most annoying part is people have forgotten the true meaning of St. Valentine’s Day. Here are some random points..

  1. Did you know there is mandatory mass for all Catholics on Valentine’s day?
  2. Did you know who Saint Valentine was?
  3. Did you know that Saint Valentine was a man who risked it all to marry lovers in secret and also gave all his belonging to charity?

Google is your friend do your research!
Or, you probably do and don’t care.
For Me, Love is in the air, but not the kind that happens in modern day,its not just cause I am single, I just don’t care.
This year, like every other year, there will be no chocolates,cards or Flowers because as far as I am concerned Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark scam. Every Day is a Saints day. There are over 365 saints and yet no day is as overrated as Saint Valentine’s Day,and even the significance of the day is lost,why really do you celebrate ‘Saint Valentine’s day’?
*adjusts judging spectacles*

There is probably an organisation made up solely of Card makers,florists and chocolate companies, trying to keep this farce of a ‘holiday’ relevant.

Oh and the Hampers are just another excuse to spend hard earned cash. Oh by the way BBM isn’t helping my distaste for this day.
No! I do not want to buy hampers filled with sex accessories. Chocolate bars have been replaced with edibles body paint,whips,fluffy handcuffs, vibrating devices,blindfolds,clamps,edible underwear, roll of condoms 10ft long! Jeeez, have you looked into those hampers???? Its like Pandora’s Box.
The chocolate and card people won’t be happy.
How did Val’s day morph from a day of celebrating love to Sex toys and sexual deviance? Like Christmas,y’all have turned Val’s day to something else.. I weep!

What happened to tacky ‘be my val cakes’?

Even Satan is shaking his head at your behavior  Naughty,Naughty humans. Stop it! Don’t even imagine it. Yeah,Yeah. I know Sex sells but still! if you must celebrate this day,Forget your significant others for once, send a card to your Mom,Dad, buy chocolates for your Family members,Send a big ass Chocolate cake friend to your Sister,or even your bestie who is in #teamforeveralone.(We aren’t always single by choice) just saying. Take your Brothers to the movies or Dinner, go to an Orphanage and spend time with those less privileged because that right there is real LOVE. Your significant other can show you love some other time in the 364 days of the year.
In my opinion.
What are your views on what Val’s Day has become?

Scarlet