Tag Archives: Scarlet Diaries

Scarlet Diaries: The things I’ll never say

As I write this all I can think about is how much I hate this…
I hate this feeling
I know you get irritated when I get mushy but this is not a guilt trip.
This is the only way I can begin to explain my current state
I fucking miss you, it hurts.
Thinking about you makes me sad now,
My eyes glisten with unshed tears, there is a painful lump in my throat. Continue reading Scarlet Diaries: The things I’ll never say

The Scarlet Diaries: Sapiosexuality

Life wasn’t always this weird. I mean, I had everything sorted out, meet a tall handsome man and just marry. I was simple, no complications and life couldn’t be any better.

Then the computer age began, thus the rise of geeks and sapiophilia began.
Computer Programming, humans writing symbols, codes and creating virtual realities. Oh wow!
Abbreviations like MSc, PhD, LLM, MBA, Mtech, MEng are now panty droppers or worse, he says he is a Pilot and you just start taking of your clothes. LOL!!

What is Sapiophilia? Simple. Sexual attraction to Intelligence.
Like we are not in enough trouble, it’s bad enough, I am watching Spartacus and screaming like a banshee, cos of all the hot bods, or drooling when I see David Beckham or any shirtless hot man
But now I have to deal with intelligence as well?! Sheeeeet!

When I first heard of the words sapiosexuality, I thought it was a ridiculous notion.
So he knows the name of every American President’s wife, can tell you the history of Nigeria; how Lord Lugard’s Mistress named this “great country” of ours, he can recite the entire periodic table, He is google in Human form……Big whoop abi? WRONG!
There is nothing worse than an intelligent man. However, a good looking intelligent man is a bonus. If he can speak more than one Language, it is finished cos you just know he has a flexible tongue.

The other day I was talking to a friend and she going on about some man she met; Tall, yummy (the Package) he attended some world class Business School and speaks English, French, Spanish and Igbo fluently, and how she just turns into a puddle of herself when he is around and I am flipping out in my mind. WTH!!! Not you toooo!!!!!

WE ARE DOOMED! *pulling hair*
GADDAMNIT! Its an epidemic, I beg u Women; FLEE from these men! It is no joke oh!

Now I would rather watch ‘Quest means Business’ or ‘Piers Morgan LIVE’ than ‘The Soup with Joel McHale’ on E!! (Or is it the British thing?!)
NAAA!!!
(Sidenote, I also watch Amanpour)
Its an Epidemic! Sapiophilia is REAL!!
That’s why a Show like ‘The Big Bang theory’ is now one of the funniest comedies right now,

There are more than 450 adaptations of Sherlock Holmes in books,movies and TV
Shows like SUITS just makes you hot and bothered,minus the well dressed delicious men and women, its all that LEGAL gibberrish. HOT!
Harvey Specter; The Best closer in New York. PLEASE OPEN ME!
Mike and his eidetic memory… Hot!Hot!Hot!

Who remembers how weirdly attractive. We found ‘Alan Shore (BostonLegal) and Theodore Bagwell (Prison Break)

*fans self*
*drinks chilled coke*

The Geeks have risen and they are not backing down. I was having a conversation with a full blown NERD the other day and by having a conversation, I was just staring at his mouth move, while he rattled on and on, jumping from one topic to another and I just wanted to sit on his face, so he could recite Nigeria’s states and capitals backwards, like he claimed he could… *aherm*

And I know he can….oh Yes he can
*aherm*
This is a warning!

Sapiosexuality is REAL and dangerous. Mind stimulation is the greatest turn-on.

You’ll just realise you really don’t have ‘a type’ and you are reading books just to keep up with his ‘massive’ intellect.

You know that saying ‘I want to pick your brains’
Well it just became very sexual

Remember Biology….the central nervous system, Autonomic Nervous systems, Chemical Synapses?
Your Brain is where it all goes down, then travels down your spine and sends ‘messages’ to every nerve ending in your body! (Neurons, synapses responding to stimuli)
YUP! They are on to us. They are no longer shy and antisocial. The winner takes all,
Cos like I always say, it’s all in the mind
Pretty boys are an added advantage, Hot body….. JACKPOT!
The weirdest and most disturbing thing about sexual attraction to a Geek, Nerd or Dork is… At first glance, they look normal, unattractive even and if you saw this same person on the street, you wouldn’t even give him a second glance.
With his weird sense of fashion and probably his geek rims, they know this, so you know what they do, they proceed to have a conversation with you

NOTE: When I say Geek, Nerd, Dork. I am not talking about just vast knowledge of Video games, comics and Pop culture, I am talking Philosophy, Anatomy, Geography, Politics, History. The Proper book worm.
As soon as he opens his mouth,your brain instructs you to start Kegel exercises in that instant! Because this Dork is getting lucky and you don’t even know it yet. CHECKMATE!
Mind Stimulation!! Women! Its all in the mind!

Pray to God in Heaven, you do not encounter one. Ahh! Oh yeah..Have an awesome hump day….

xoxo
*Scarlet needs to jump in the shower*

To set or not to set P

Hello, Scarlet here. How have you crazy kids been doing? ‘Miss me’? I missed you all 🙂
Had a crazy couple of weeks, but I am back now. And while I was away, I have been thinking a lot about our ‘p-choices’/’friends with benefits or whatever colorful names there are out there.

Being a single person has its highs, lows and rock bottoms. And contrary to popular belief, choosing to remain single isn’t always a choice thing. To each his own, abi?
Oh well, here are a set of rules I try to live by. These are my own rules, y’all are entitled to yours but like I said to each his own. However please read, contribute as best as you can, your comments are very much appreciated.
*aherm*
So so so… If you are a single person, and you are either getting it on a regular maybe you are in a close proximity P zone and you do not have high demanding job then you are the lucky one. (#np Youth- Daughter)
The rest of those who are having trouble maybe because ‘the land is dry’, or your p is far, he lives in Festac and you live in Ajah 5th roundabout, (Lagos and their endless LGAs. And lekki roundabouts? Even Epe,Eleko and that Sango place after VGC claims Lagos , I am tired!) I also feel sorry for you,it happens long distance p-setting can be so irritating. Why even bother? However any more talk on Lagos P-setting can and will not be done today. Ok ok, so I believe every single, ‘blood-dey-hot’ person must know this;

Rule #1 P is P!: Lemme explain…..it doesn’t matter how many times you get the P! Hell! The less the better, that leaves you craving more P. So it’s good, delaying gratification makes the experience that much intense than getting it on a regular. There is also the Law of Diminishing returns (for the ones that can relate). So even if you get it everyday, or once a month.. P is P, It’s all in your mind and your raging ‘whoremoans’ LOL. Try not to attach too much to it.

Rule #2: Some Ps are greater than others! Imagine,like 5 guys or girls are on your case,if you can juggle….I say go for it. You are an adult. Just remember to take the necessary steps. Protection is paramount, whether it’s your heart you are protecting or your ‘uglies’. Dexterity is a skill some lack(e.g. Me) so I like to make a scale of preference in a notepad (more economics) YES! I do that…bite me. So if that works for you, please, don’t be shy, get a note book, (speaking to the ladies now) write down names, likes, dislikes, hygiene; does he smell like sex or food? Or does he just smell? Does he chew with his mouth open? Is he certifiable (by that I mean are is he in need of psychiatric help)? Does he have a funny name that u can’t imagining screaming during *clears throat*(Names can be a deal breakers) I know its p, but once in awhile, you get to see them eat, shower and even cry (don’t ask) and in some rarest of cases meet a family member.
Arrange them in any order you like. Me, I want an orderly,organised life, sex inclusive, so I like to know where my problem is coming from. Some Ps are greater than others, the sooner you learn this the better. So you aren’t lying down there chanting ‘WTHell was I thinking, wthell was I thinking’ while he jack-rabbits his way to the end.

Rule #3: Not everyone deserves your P! This goes for both men and women! I know being single is HARD and like I said b4 bodi dey hot… Ladies,you know when you have had a long day and you just want to go home and have your feet rubbed or soak in a tub for two, or just cuddle? Oh men stop scoffing, I know there are days you want to go home and it feels like you stepped into a cliché Nollywood scene. Woman at the door to take off your jacket and help with your bag and shoes. Hot meal on the table with a cold beverage, a hot bath and maybe sex? But you settle for leftover refrigerated noodles (for those who don’t cook), a quick cold shower, too ease of the day’s stress and a boner, that personal assistant gave you cos of her ridiculously tight, short gown which of course you are probably too tired to tend to. It sucks (pun intended)
I know I digress and it’s sha difficult, but please please please. Your P is special, not everyone deserves it and this doesn’t in any way conflict with rule #1. Rule #1 talks about duration.

RULE #4 P-setting isn’t for everyone: P-setting is a contract,a mutual ‘psychic’ arrangement between two consenting adults to have sex with as little emotion as possible ( I say psychic because most times you are expected to just understand your F-buddy and not to ask too many questions or expect too much). A friend of mine told me something ‘If she can give her body,she can give her heart’ And I said ‘y’all must think women are mashed ripe plantain in human form. I have met STRONG women that DON’T CARE whether you call or text…Life goes on, you aren’t feeding them. And I know CLINGY, whiny men, so its an individual thing. If its too hot, get out of the kitchen!
I.E. if setting- P isn’t not your thing, don’t do it.

WARNING!!! DO NOT FALL for a P! Because you have been P-Zoned, you aren’t the custodian of the mumu button. In fact, chances are you’ll never find it, so just keep it fun and physical. So on that note, I bid you farewell. I hope I have been able to help, in your quest for ‘love, sex and others…*aherm* Jara ‘ things in this ever competitive world…. E no easy oh! Have a fun hump day

*wink*

xoxo

Scarlet

The Scarlet Diaries: Battle of the Sexes

This is one battle that will never be won, too much fraternizing with the ‘enemy’ (by enemy I mean the opposite sex; by fraternize I mean sex)
As a woman, I’ll write from MY views…
So I was at the salon the other day and I overhead some girls ‘gisting‘, even in hush tones I knew it was interesting gist so I listened.

  • Girl A : Men eh!!! Na wah oh, so he just started behaving like nothing happened after how amazing the sex was?
  • Girl B : Yes oh. Whenever I called him, he would answer sounding all business like, nonchalant or he is driving or in a meeting.
  • Girl A: sorry dear, I know you liked this one, at least you got yours *giggles* Na wah Men are so annoying.
  • Girl B: I swear I am not even bothered; I am so done with him and Men in general!

At this point I almost chipped in ‘Honey, not by a long shot’ which would have been rewarded with a shitstorm of insults or even a slap, so I scoffed LOUDLY and returned to the Nollywood I was watching.
Let’s be honest, the truth now; lie it down on the table or floor, or bed, or even nail it against a wall … Sorry. The truth is, if amazing sex guy calls girl b, she’ll go see him, like sheep to slaughter, like the proverbial moth to a flame…. You know why? Good sex

Good sex is unbelievably Hard… Difficult  to find and she(Girl B) is probably thinking of all the deeply sick things, non-chalant/amazing sex guy did to her and she is thinking of getting some more of that drug.

*np Pusher Love Girl -Justin Timberlake*

She’ll probably not say this to her friend and her friend might be in this EXACT situation…lol
WOMEN!!!
Then imagine if it was mind-altering sex…Ah! You know that kind that returns your brain to the original factory setting and you forget how to form words.
That kind of sex that turns you to a heap of Flesh, bone and sweat. I call this particular ‘drug’ LSD (the ick is silent of course)
What is LSD?
*gasps*
You can’t tell me, you’ve never had LSDICK! That’s the ish (I’ll get back to this)
So where was I?
Oh yeah.. the Battle of the Sexes

So even if by some miracle, men and women form same sex alliance to take down the other side… I am so sneaking off to go fraternize with the enemy. Women reading this, stop rumpling face jo! You know I speak the truth.
We have partially won all the other wars; Females go to school, vote, females are leading nations
But the day a woman won’t be judged for having a voracious sexual appetite will NEVER come. The Feminine Version for the word ‘Stud’ is Ho, it’s unfortunate but true, so instead of all this ‘battle of the sexes’ let’s ease off all that stress with good ol’ sex. Life is already too serious as it is. Pretense and Prudence won’t get you some, so please fraternize as much as possible. Those memories will keep you company when you are old and grey.

As for my Darling Men, I love you guys, but you are a serious thorn in my flesh and a Pain in my behind *pun unintended or intended if you are into that sort of thing*
You know why? Subtlety isn’t in your dictionary, of all the things that I know that upsets women, it’s that feeling of being used and discarded, not saying I don’t like being used.. Lol! Just don’t toss me. Maybe because as a man you lack this inherent ability, and we were probably too busy ripping off each other’s clothes to discuss, the ‘benefits’ of our agreement.. Still… Don’t run….

Let me let u in on a secret, it’s easier than you think. I am assuming Girl B is above consenting age, so all I want to say is… ‘Wean’.
Withdrawal syndrome is the reason some women get all psycho-bitch and crazy, Wean her of LSD don’t cut her off like a diseased part of fruit.. That shit isn’t cool. If the sex was good then it can’t be so horrible to give her a taste a few more times. Oh wait, you tell her you have a girlfriend and don’t want to hurt either one of them, it was a mistake, blah blah blah, no one slips and falls into a vagina..

or do they?
or do they?

Nope, it is a conscious effort to cheat (if that is in fact the truth). I think that Men have run out of reasons to dump a woman, but let me just say it is cruel to just stop answering her calls or replying her messages.. Wean her off you, if you were meeting every day, change it to 3 times a week, then once week, if you reduce the attention you are giving her, she will look for attention elsewhere and in time… Of course there is a risk that she’s fall deeper and deeper in love with you, the neglect might be a turn on for  some (Awesome Turn-on for most..LOL, but then that’s the small fine print)
Oh wait, I have another solution, I know men like to be all macho and be the best in the sack but maybe just maybe start doing rubbish.. Oh shit, women talk… she’ll spoil your market. Na wah oh there really is no middle ground with this.. At the end of the day, the truth is, our heads turn to mush when it comes to the opposite sex, there really isn’t one way to deal with everyone. Maybe in his mind being distant is a good way to go, cruel as it is. It works. Weeks will pass by and the girl will forget that amazing sex from LSD and move on….(This story is far from over)
I have digressed so much I have forgotten what I was talking about… Oh yeah! Fraternizing oh so sweetly with the other side..Going Rouge! Switching sides and positions… Ok,  I am done

Men! Women!ENJOY!! The little pleasures of life
If he/she becomes distant,move on! There should be some other dude out there willing to slip and fall into some naughtiness *wink* wink*
Have an awesome hump day(Wednesday)
Xxx


Scarlet