Tag Archives: Relationships

SNM Chronicles – The Problem With Strings

When I was young-er, I thought a lot of things of the world. I thought Nigeria was awesome, I thought I could prosper as an ashawo, I thought I would have gone around the world by now, I thought imagination was all I needed, I thought a no strings attached relationship was a myth.

I am now young and I realise that all these things should remain as they are. As thoughts, except for the last one. A no strings attached relationship has remained a myth.  Continue reading SNM Chronicles РThe Problem With Strings

Blinking

Johnny Bravo
How you doin’?

Prologue:

I have always been known to speak very seriously about absolutely unserious issues. This, sadly, is one of such instances. Try not to fall asleep halfway through the first few lines sha.

I recently came up with a mini-theory concerning the rituals involved in selecting a prospective mate and making your intentions known or letting the other person know that advances are welcome. I call it… wait for it! Blinking.

Oh. Right.

That’s already the title.

On a totally unrelated note, why does this girl wear a wristband with her name on it??? Does she sometimes forget what she’s called and look to her wrist for expo? Or is it in case she gets lost? Hmmm…

Anyway, I call it blinking. We all know that green means go and orange means get ready, abi? Ok, what of a get-ready-even-thoughI’m-trying-to-be-ladylike/gentlemanly type of situation? My dears, it follows that in that kind of situation, the orange light is not properly switched on, but blinks on and off at intervals under the guise of friendliness, courtesy and common interest.

Hmm. Big grammar. Lemme explain a bit. Blinking may sometimes take these forms;

Looking intently and with intent:

This is the most commonly/frequently used ploy. It could be initiated by either party and is usually done for quite a while until a positive response (e.g. coy smiling) is elicited.

Eye/Sign Language:

This follows repeated intent “lookage”. At this point, they are both comfortable with the looks and smiles and want to push things up a notch. So they inject winking, suggestive glances, raised eyebrows, blowing kisses and mouthing messages to each other into their little routine.

Small Talk:

Yes, when he/she schleps 50km across the room to ask you the time (even though there are three wall clocks in perfect working order prominently displayed around), stop and ponder, dear child.

Hmm, let’s stop there since there’s no real script beyond that point; the storyline of life remains constant, only the details and personal choices differ.

Whatever happens beyond small talk is dependent on a lot of factors like their geographic proximity, what each of them is really after and whether their egos can stand compromise. It could also boil down to a gross lack of chemistry or the astute, unforgivable daftness of one of the two.

Over the past few weeks, I have sat quietly, observing all the above (and much more, some kinda disgusting), smiling knowingly to myself the whole time.

Yes, I am very wise, children. Hopefully my wisdomosity transcends the deeply unserious and thoroughly unusable… We’ll see ūüôā

PS:

Happy Holidays! My heart bleeds for the unspeakable acts of violence plaguing my country at this time. May the souls of all the good people lost rest in peace. Amen.

 

image credit

Like a Broken Record

Show of hands; how many of you have been through a painful breakup? Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to raise your legs as well as both arms, now! Na wa.

For all tv show lovers, cast your minds back to The Cosby Show, where the eldest daughter, Sondra, was involved in a rather turbulent relationship with Elvin. Now, the whole Huxtable family didn’t particularly like young Elvin because whenever he and Sondra broke up (they did so a few times), Sondra would walk¬† around the house, soulful look on her face, shoulders drooped and headphones nailed into her skull as she crooned miserably;

The flowers have died

There is no morning dew

The crickets know no love songs

And I feel so blue…

Which brings me to my  point. Most of us have a Breakup Playlist. A few years ago, when my tiny heart got pulled out, rolled around in the dust and then stepped on, I created my first ever Breakup Playlist. Naturally, it tended a bit towards girl power and liberation, but also had a few tracks with deep, poetic lyrics all talking in parables about misery. Really good stuff, ba? I know. It saw me through the hard times.

I don’t think I produced earwax for a couple of months during that time, since my earphones were almost always implanted in my ears and the music blasted straight to my soul via my brain, drying up any moisture in its path. It’s a wonder I still have my hearing.

I would copy the playlist directly at this point, but sadly, that phone has long since crossed over to the great phone shop in the sky… Well, I’ll list a few of the ones I remember.

Nelly Furtado – All Good Things (Come to an End)

Say It Right

Kelly Clarkson – Since U Been Gone

Sade – King of Sorrow

P!nk – Funhouse

Ayo – Down on my Knees

Nuttin’ But Stringz – Broken Sorrow

When the slightly resuscitated heart again got knocked down recently, I didn’t let myself make another playlist. Enough, I told myself. Instead, I surrounded myself with feel-good music. So for a while (and up till now) I listen to the entire Crazy Love album (Michael Buble). And Nelly Furtado’s Try. And Koop Island Blues by Koop feat. Ane Brun. As well as my usual naughty songs which I will always love.

That is not a playlist.

C’mon, you’re amongst friends here. What do you listen to when love goes sour?

The Relationship Contract…

I have been quiet for a while, except for that rant I posted on Ennui which has been quickly taken down. It’s Wednesday, 4pm and I am bored stiff. Finally decided to put this up. Its something that has been on my mind for a while and meeting a friend of mine on Monday finally gave me the 3rd ball neccessary to put it up (no having just 2 ain’t enough sometimes). Before I proceed, let me get some definitions out of the way…

The Relationship Cycle: This can be defined as the time it takes for a single Nigerian to get into a relationship and get single again. Without beating any bushes, let me define in some detail. This is somehow related to the series I never started, found here.

First Phase – The Hook Up: We just met and we are getting to decide if we can do one of the following; date, sleep with each other or be friends. Whichever one it is, deciding leads you straight to the second step. That is unless there is typeographical error somewhere in which case the cycle ends… Immediately.

Second Phase – The Honeymoon: Having decided what we want to be, we just can’t get enough of each other. We go everywhere together, kiss a lot and hold hands (if we are dating) or loads of nookie (if we decide to sleep with each other as well). Deciding to enter the relationship leads you to the third phase. This ends if one of the following happens.. The babe chop your money finish, the babe meets another guy, the babe sleeps with another guy.. Guys no dey hear word, even if they are seeing, sleeping or meeting other girls they will still want you.. SMH!!!

Third Phase – The Relationship: This is usually the maker or the breaker. It is the point where guy and girl come out in the open and start meeting friends and minor relations. They start fighting, kissing less, sexing less and actually start doing what they should have continued from the first phase, talking to each other again. Usually, the wahala(problems) the other person carries is more than can be handled and the second person bolts. Other times, they both reach a compromise. In mathematical terms, see below

Quality of sex is directly proportional (or more) to the amount of wahala received or (The amount of good times/the amount of bad times) > 1 = Good signs. Anything less na problem o, for both parties

After all has been said and done, depending on what the couple decides, they decide to move on to the next stage…

Fourth Phase – The Engagement: This is the point when they decide to marry… I shall stop here for now because I truly cannot talk about what I haven’t experienced. Honorary mentions to Marriage, Honeymoon and yet another Relationship till death/divorce do you part.

Having said and done all of the above, if I was to get into the relationship cycle again, here are some laid down rules I would want to get established.

  1. I am a guy, regardless of what you think or what you want, I will remain a guy and think like one. Do not be offended if I want to act like a guy when you want me to do your chick things with you. I will take you shopping, take you to make your hair, but I will not sit with you through it all, unless there is sex involved at the end of it. Meaning? I have to be a husband, fiancée or a one weekend stand.
  2. If you know you have no plans whatsoever, I mean NO PLANS, of getting married to me and you are just here for the kicks and fun, please make plans for lots of nookie, or else kindly move on and don’t waste my time. Thank you
  3. If you kiss me any time after 9pm during the week and it involves tongue, God will punish you if you let it stop there. Same swearing from 9pm on Friday till 10pm on Saturday. Sunday is Holy, lets keep it that way.
  4. I like food, I like to cook, don’t abuse that. My mama, God bless her soul, imbibed those skills as a backup plan on the days the wife goes funny. Note the key word wife.
  5. I agree fights have to happen, but after the first 4 fights please lets establish a pattern. We fight, you bone after 4 days of begging please forgive me. All you have to do to make me forgive you is take off your top and bra. I am easy like that.
  6. If I propose to you and you say no, knowing fully well how I feel, there is no problem. However if you decide to still hang around me.. There is a saying where I am from and it quietly relates to pregnancy. Be warned!! However if I do tell you I do not want to marry you and you still hang around, be ready for loads of dodgery* from me (did I just form a new word? *shrugs). Is this one sided? Sorry, I will reduce the print.
Having said all this, kindly sign
___________________________________________
Thank you.
.
Regards,
                                                  .
Single Nigerian Man
.
My heart is broken, I did not create the word dodgery, it already exists.
In other news, I have a crush, totally seperate and different from Jane Doe. Totally seperate from my blogwife Kiah too. Everyone meet Miz her twivatar is calling my eyes mehn!!! No I am not a…, what’s the word for internet ashewo again?
Disclaimer: I was under the influence, please forgive me. Faced a minor difficulty above; I know of “problems are” but “wahala are” just sounds weird
Dear Wonuola, the diclaimer is for you.
OMG, I am still staring #nowcrying
Now running home.
Yeah you got it right, I have almost found my muse again *sticking tongue out* at Kiah