Tag Archives: Nigeria

Scarlet Writes: Celibacy

I just want to have sex. It’s been 5 months now and at this point, I have gone numb all over. A cold shower is now the equivalent of wild, inhibited, primal nookie. A hot shower is the same as long walks, speaking sweet nothings and indulging in little pleasures like Rum, butter scotch flavored ice cream, chocolate cake or milk chocolate. Oh yeah, that is the most action I have had in all 5 months.

You know when I made this pact, it seemed like a pretty smart idea. Stay off sex for 6months. I was sure I could do it!! But by the third month, I was seeing red. This coupled with the fact that my lips had forgotten what a kiss felt like, or the wonders a hand was capable of! *sigh*

Well I survived up until month four when the universe decides to toy with me.


All he did was pay me a complement and my brain shut down,for the next 2 hours I blacked out!

So back to my Topic, the one I always had in mind


Myth or possibility?

Can someone who is active sexually be celibate?My honest opinion? Laugh.Out.Loud

Sex will FIND you, Be very Afraid! Its impossible, maybe a monk could pull it off, but kids of today? Ha!!!

A camel has a better chance of passing a needle’s eye, no one and I mean no one is fully celibate. Reminds me of that movie 40 days, 40 nights (My inspiration for this madness); the movie where yummy Josh Hartnett gives up sex for the Lenten period because for some reason, whenever he is having sex it seems like there is an earthquake in the room and the walls are closing in on him, that is crazy awesome (In my opinion. But what do I know?). I went celibate for 8months with no reason, to no point and purpose!

I digress…

Well he lasted up to day 39, plus that was a movie.

In real life, no frigging way because the flesh is way too weak, unless you are asexual like some chick i knew that hates sex, lets forget that topic, it is too ‘morbid’ for this talk.

No one can every truly be celibate there must be some sort of outlet

Some people turn to hobbies; writing,reading, etc. But at some point sex will catch up with you. Some spank the monkey, polish the knob; can’t think of any other phases to describe it (they masturbate). Now this act was an abomination some twenty years ago but for some reason, it’s now acceptable to choke the chicken, slap the salami, dig for clams, ’just reading mom’, whack the saddle, stroke the magic lamp, audition the finger puppets.. WHOA!!! Google has alot of phrases to describe this act.

So the million dollar question; Can you claim to be celibate while choking the bishop, shaving the carrot, cleaning the rifle, enagaging in safe sex, greasing the pole? Seriously though the names are endless…

And the answer is NO!

Celibacy is not as easy as u might think, even a virgin that masturbates isn’t celibate. A friend of mine claimed he was celibate for a whole year and he doesn’t masturbate and I laughed in his face. So u didn’t have sex for a year big whoop but to say u were celibate, because you didn’t engage in a physical relationship with the opposite sex is just laughable. Puuuhlease don’t deceive yourself, you were having sex with yourself (technically).

As for people who claim not to touch themselves, you might as well start wearing spandex with an alphabet on chest ,cause that’s definitely a ‘superpower’’!


The 419? Project

First heard about this project from nigeriansfornigeria.org and I took interest just long enough to get the general gist and then bone. In my mind I said, we have started again and I freed the matter. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to get to know more by visiting Sir Fariku’s site  and I must confess I didn’t know the origin of the project, neither did I know how far it had spread within the country. However regardless that day was not a good day for me to see it (not with the Boko Haram threat). Why? I will tell you. Before I forget though, please do not hesitate to visit the site and play your part.

In Nigeria we like to give things fancy names that never seem to work. I remember Operation Feed the Nation, the Grassroots Movement and PTF back in the day. I remember Lightup Nigeria (please where are they?). Now we have The 419 project running and I can only wonder, how long will this phase last? To what end? We are complaining about 419 now, but I remember when the song Maga don pay by Olu Maintain came out. I can remember how many people complained. I remember when I go chop your dollar came out, I remember how many people complained. I know how many friends I have that dabbled with the 419 program and I know how many wanted to get involved. I wonder, is it those same people that want to join the program?

I wonder, how different are we the people from our government? We can like to to talk the talk and do all the complaining but when time comes to do actual work and keep at it, no one is there to be found. I remember the movie District 9 (great movie by the way), Nigeria complained about the way Nigeria was portrayed in the movie. Warlords, cannibals, e.t.c. they took offence at a time when militants were ravaging the oil industry in the South a time when some politician was caught with a goat or something weird like that. I can’t remember.

I remember when Abdulmuttalab was caught with explosives in his boxers and we were blacklisted. Nigeria complained, screamed and talked plenty. We are not terrorists. Where are they now? We are now complaining of 419 because of a blog post a man wrote about a scam mail that he got. We are complaining because the people that sent the mail talked about Nigeria. We are complaining while we do know that a lot of our boys are involved in the 419 scams. People will scream and shout if they ever visit this page but then I will state the following points…

  1. If you remember when the EFCC first started, if you remember the work they actually did, you will remember the number of people they actually caught doing the 419 business. You will also remember the outflow of Nigerians to neighbouring countries. You will also remember Ghana complaining of the number of Nigerians that came to their country to start the 419 trade.
  2.  You should know that putting up different blog posts of 419 reasons to love Nigeria will probably generate a feeling of resentment from me and people like me. Why? If you have seen all the lies MTN, Glo, Banks and our government tell us on the news and you compare it to what you actually experience, then you might know what I am actually talking about. Personally, I think it might help the good feeling in Nigeria, but then only for a short time. Reality will set in.
  3. I remember Muttalab and the issues it caused between Nigeria and the international community. We are not terrorists, Nigerians said that no normal thinking Nigerian would blow himself up. We love life too much and all.. It didn’t take long for us to eat our words. Words we are still eating. Fast forward 18 or so months and our president and leaders have the guts to say terrorism is here to stay. SHAME!!
I know I will probably get slaughtered about this, but here are my reasons to love Nigeria
  • I love our ability to blow things out of proportion in the heat of the moment and then conveniently forget about it all 6months down the line
  • I love how the motivation behind most Nigerians is to be of benefit to just himself and maybe a few others
  • I love how we can be good practising Christians in times of trouble.. We fast and pray when there is a crisis but we lie, cheat and steal to make a quick buck when it involves the hustle (hard work for the right reasons ba?).
  • I love it when we are quick to sing praises of thieves and looters when they are in power and can contribute to our hustle but we are quick to castigate, insult and degrade them when things go sour (please why not fast and pray then?)
I love my country people. I love it to bits.. Prayer worketh much indeed, but only when the people are righteous. No matter how you try, painting a dirty pot will never make it clean. I wish this project the best, but having seen the ones before it, I will prefer it if we don’t make this a “Nigerian” project.
I will say this once and then rest my case… Being positive about Nigeria online, will not change Nigeria, neither will it change the impression people have of it. If I want to find out about Nigeria and I go to google, seeing blog posts, websites and things put up by Nigerians all saying 419 reasons will only make me go to BBC, CNN and so on, to get the truth. Or I simply go to Wikipedia. I wish you all the best people. But our people are hungry, jobless and slowly losing all hope. That is our problem. Every society has its vices.. We don’t overcome the vices with words and posts.. That is what our government is doing, it HAS NOT worked. Why join them?
Let your light so shine, that men may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven – Matt 5:16
Need I say more? If we clean up or society, it will reflect worldwide. WORLDWIDE I SAY!!
Finally I would like to ask, who brought up the idea? Was it Peter J Reilly? Or was it us? If it was him, then shame on us all for going ahead with this!
Disclaimer: This is a reflection of my views, not a reflection of the Nigerian populace.
Oh I did forget to mention JJC and the 419 Crew
Talk might be cheap today, but the cost of it tomorrow might be much more than you ever foresee.
God bless Nigeria.

Thoughts and Ramblings…

This is one of them posts that one neither knows how to start or how to end. It is one of them posts that one has no idea what the title should or can be. Yes, it is one of them posts I write when I start thinking too much. I am pretty much your average Nigerian; I work for the government, make little or no money, have no girlfriend but want many girls and struggle everyday to live right. One thing makes me stand out though, something I try my best to hide and shield daily and it is that I care too much. I resolved long time ago that I would make a difference in the lives of people whether directly or indirectly and although I have long stopped beating my chest or head on how to do that, I know I WILL do it.

Work carried me to Minna yesterday, very bumpy ride otherwise it was uneventful.. I say uneventful because the last time we made the trip, a goat had the misfortune of being run over by us. Coming back was pretty much uneventful save for the awesome weather that met us. If you live in Abuja, then you know exactly what I am talking about. It was like all them Bible movies I watched when I was a kid. And the narrator reads in his boring voice “The sun went to sleep, the clouds came out in their many numbers and the sky went as dark as night. It rained for hours and hours till there was no more land in sight…” anyways you get the point before I start getting carried away. We got into Abuja and met traffic, the sort that only Third Mainland Bridge people should testify of. Long story cut short we had to enter bush to beat the traffic. Heard this morning that it took 3hours to get past that traffic. Picture was taken at 6.20pm in Abuja. It should have been a lot of brighter (note to self – I have to get a camera)

God has blessed me with awesome parents, a wonderful family and privileges that I can’t deny have kept me alive for this long. I will forever be grateful. However reaching Abuja and seeing the crowd of people waiting for vehicles to take them home, touched me and then cut me deep. I saw an old woman standing in the rain who looked so tired and it broke my heart. I saw young men and women, people who should be the hope and future of our country stand for hours with no way whatsoever of getting home and I began to get angry.

Angry at the government for not performing their basic duty in providing for the citizens of this once proud nation. Our president claims he was born in a village, he went to school without shoes, trekked for miles and miles… Does he still remember? The Senators, House of Reps and all, the Ministers of our country, they know. At one point in time they would have seen the sights that I saw last night and still they do nothing. I wonder what is it all for? You have a 100million dollars in your account, you can only ever spend 20million or so.. Why on earth would you want to have 900million more to your name? Why?

I am angry at the church too, so many pastors now are all interested in preaching money to their church people. How to make money, how to be successful, how to live hoping for a better day. How about preaching on how to make a difference? How to change lives, touch lives? What happened to being your brother’s keeper?

I am angry at the helpless situation I find myself in. I want to do something and sometimes I do, but even that is not enough. No it isn’t and even that hurts me. I see kids running on the streets begging for bread and food to eat. I see them with all the energy and while other people curse them, I wonder how they got into town, how they would get back and who on earth brought them here.

I understand the hustle, I understand how we have to better our lives. But I do remember a time when a whole village could pool resources together to send one bright talent to school so he could have a better life and so promote the village in the future. I remember a time when parents would go for days without eating just so they could feed their children and send them to school to have a better life. I see those children now in some cases not caring about the other bright talents in the streets. Talents that could move the nation forward. Bright lights extinguished by the lack of hope in the streets. Survival is for the fittest they say, but the truth is, the fittest is not always the best. That has been proven time and time again in our society today.

Everybody is on the hustle nowadays it seems. If you can’t hustle then you ain’t worth the time. In society however there is a place for everyone. I thank God for your hustle, but then in most cases someone, one person helped you to where you are today. If 1 person helped you, you can help 2, 3 or more. It should be a ripple effect. It should be

My dearest friend calls this me, rambling. A period when I just sit down and let things out in bits and pieces. She also showed me that in this state I do not make any sense at all and I realised that writing brings everything together for me. Today I will mention you directly, thank you (If you ever do read this).

Another dear friend helped me realise that long walks in parks and places help me think. There is only one park in Abuja I can walk in, the fear of Boko Haram keeps me in one place. I thank you too.

So many people have brought me to this point, to this place I am in right now. A lack of space will not let me say them all.

My mum, the strongest woman I have ever known, my dad (my superhero), my entire family, my church, the one place I ever considered as truly mine. The people I call friends… I can’t continue, writing this ish makes me think I am gonna die soon. I won’t. My book is still being written. It has not reached the end yet.

Enough of this, let me start work for today. Minna calls


Single Nigerian Man

As a person of power in government, if any decision you make does not benefit the common man then you are not doing your duty – Can’t remember where I read this

Disclaimer: I am rambling, forgive the gbagauns and things. I have to work soon.

I will make a difference!!!

In other news Boko Haram has promised to unleash carnage in Nigeria, make we dey watch.

God help us all…

The Relationship Contract…

I have been quiet for a while, except for that rant I posted on Ennui which has been quickly taken down. It’s Wednesday, 4pm and I am bored stiff. Finally decided to put this up. Its something that has been on my mind for a while and meeting a friend of mine on Monday finally gave me the 3rd ball neccessary to put it up (no having just 2 ain’t enough sometimes). Before I proceed, let me get some definitions out of the way…

The Relationship Cycle: This can be defined as the time it takes for a single Nigerian to get into a relationship and get single again. Without beating any bushes, let me define in some detail. This is somehow related to the series I never started, found here.

First Phase – The Hook Up: We just met and we are getting to decide if we can do one of the following; date, sleep with each other or be friends. Whichever one it is, deciding leads you straight to the second step. That is unless there is typeographical error somewhere in which case the cycle ends… Immediately.

Second Phase – The Honeymoon: Having decided what we want to be, we just can’t get enough of each other. We go everywhere together, kiss a lot and hold hands (if we are dating) or loads of nookie (if we decide to sleep with each other as well). Deciding to enter the relationship leads you to the third phase. This ends if one of the following happens.. The babe chop your money finish, the babe meets another guy, the babe sleeps with another guy.. Guys no dey hear word, even if they are seeing, sleeping or meeting other girls they will still want you.. SMH!!!

Third Phase – The Relationship: This is usually the maker or the breaker. It is the point where guy and girl come out in the open and start meeting friends and minor relations. They start fighting, kissing less, sexing less and actually start doing what they should have continued from the first phase, talking to each other again. Usually, the wahala(problems) the other person carries is more than can be handled and the second person bolts. Other times, they both reach a compromise. In mathematical terms, see below

Quality of sex is directly proportional (or more) to the amount of wahala received or (The amount of good times/the amount of bad times) > 1 = Good signs. Anything less na problem o, for both parties

After all has been said and done, depending on what the couple decides, they decide to move on to the next stage…

Fourth Phase – The Engagement: This is the point when they decide to marry… I shall stop here for now because I truly cannot talk about what I haven’t experienced. Honorary mentions to Marriage, Honeymoon and yet another Relationship till death/divorce do you part.

Having said and done all of the above, if I was to get into the relationship cycle again, here are some laid down rules I would want to get established.

  1. I am a guy, regardless of what you think or what you want, I will remain a guy and think like one. Do not be offended if I want to act like a guy when you want me to do your chick things with you. I will take you shopping, take you to make your hair, but I will not sit with you through it all, unless there is sex involved at the end of it. Meaning? I have to be a husband, fiancée or a one weekend stand.
  2. If you know you have no plans whatsoever, I mean NO PLANS, of getting married to me and you are just here for the kicks and fun, please make plans for lots of nookie, or else kindly move on and don’t waste my time. Thank you
  3. If you kiss me any time after 9pm during the week and it involves tongue, God will punish you if you let it stop there. Same swearing from 9pm on Friday till 10pm on Saturday. Sunday is Holy, lets keep it that way.
  4. I like food, I like to cook, don’t abuse that. My mama, God bless her soul, imbibed those skills as a backup plan on the days the wife goes funny. Note the key word wife.
  5. I agree fights have to happen, but after the first 4 fights please lets establish a pattern. We fight, you bone after 4 days of begging please forgive me. All you have to do to make me forgive you is take off your top and bra. I am easy like that.
  6. If I propose to you and you say no, knowing fully well how I feel, there is no problem. However if you decide to still hang around me.. There is a saying where I am from and it quietly relates to pregnancy. Be warned!! However if I do tell you I do not want to marry you and you still hang around, be ready for loads of dodgery* from me (did I just form a new word? *shrugs). Is this one sided? Sorry, I will reduce the print.
Having said all this, kindly sign
Thank you.
Single Nigerian Man
My heart is broken, I did not create the word dodgery, it already exists.
In other news, I have a crush, totally seperate and different from Jane Doe. Totally seperate from my blogwife Kiah too. Everyone meet Miz her twivatar is calling my eyes mehn!!! No I am not a…, what’s the word for internet ashewo again?
Disclaimer: I was under the influence, please forgive me. Faced a minor difficulty above; I know of “problems are” but “wahala are” just sounds weird
Dear Wonuola, the diclaimer is for you.
OMG, I am still staring #nowcrying
Now running home.
Yeah you got it right, I have almost found my muse again *sticking tongue out* at Kiah

Burning rubber: The condom trialogue…

Nonsense mode activated, celibacy mode on, foolishness in full swing and here I go…

Its another weekend gone, the last weekend in the third quarter and looking back at all the months, what have I achieved? Partial madness I would say, though even that is gradually dissipating. Unlike in 2008/2009/2010 where I could have pointed out different things I had achieved, this year I have nothing to show. Maybe that is as a result of working for the Nigerian government *shrugs*.

Its 12pm and I am already done with work, direct cause of Decided to use this extra time to do a totally useless post. I have heard of “the vagina monologues” and God knows there are a lot of men who only think with their penises (is that the plural?), so I can honestly say that both parties are covered. However there is a 3rd party (the kid) which people rarely talk about and a 4th party which no one ever talks about. Today dear 4th Party, it is your turn.

Now if Forbes were to do an analysis on the most bought item on the planet, what would you think it would be? Bought in terms of the numbers. I think a condom is bought almost every minute on the planet. Yeah I know they come in packs of 3, 2, 6 and above but if you take the average rate, I think it makes it at least 1 every minute. Scary thoughts. Googling condom analysis brings up topics ranging from; what the pope said to latex vs non latex, self efficacy studies (whatever the heck that means) and some other boring topics that sincerely and frankly make me want to sleep.

Firstly I would like to blame you Mr. Condom for the increased sexual activity now trending all over the world. Before it became normal to walk into a “grocery” store and buy a condom men and women worldwide were scared of “unwanted” pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and the likes. The condom took all that away.

Its not ok to blame the product without screaming at the creators. Although condoms have been in use for ages, the past 60 years has seen an increase in knowledge of existence and its usage. Thanks to television, magazines and the internet. Condoms are now available to people of all ages and classes *sigh*

Gone are the days when one would feel shy about going to buy condoms. Gone are the days where abstinence was the best protection. Gone are the days when people refused to understand why anyone would want to have more than one partner, gone are the days when being a virgin was a thing of pride.Did I say this was going to be a rubbish post? I lied. I remember when zip up was the thing in the late 90s abi early 2000 (can’t remember). Teens all over the country used to sing it with pride “zip zip zip up“, I remember that vividly. That was then. That was before Durex, RoughRiders and all the flavours, ribbed very thin and all. Just like the company Apple after the creation of the Ipod, Condoms exploded in this country.

Now I might be old fashioned but do you see anything wrong with this picture?  I do, now before today I thought this made sense, but really, can you tell your little daughter to practise safe sex? Really? How safe is sex of any form? Knowing the physical, emotional and other implications?

How about this picture? We all believe our kids should have phones, right now I have a phone in my bag for him and I am having serious thoughts about it.

Now why am I going on and on about it? It comes down to the title of this post, “Burning rubber”, for the sake of the future generation who to me are running along the border of internet insanity, adding sex to the mix is one sure fire way to disaster. Burn them rubbers people, preach abstinence.


Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Boredom.

Here’s a list of 10 interesting facts about condoms that you might not know, from Canada.

1. On average, condoms hold about 4 quarts of liquid. That’s about 16 cups or 1 gallon of liquid or 3.8 litres. That’s larger than most Milk Bottles!

2. Most modern-day condoms (over 90%) are made of latex, the rest from polyurethane or lamb intestines.

3. Ancient Egyptians reportedly used condoms as early as 1350 BC. These were reportedly made from animal bladders or intestines.

4. Over the years, a variety of materials have been used as Condoms. Among the materials were linen, sheep, lamb and goat intestines; fish skin, silk and thin leather.

5. Only Latex Condoms can stop the transmission of HIV. Tests have shown that Polyurethane and lamb condoms do not stop the transmission of the virus.

6. Oils and most lotions will cause latex to breakdown. As such, only use water or silicone based lubricants when using latex condoms.

7. Using 2 or more condoms at the same time is more dangerous than using 1. The friction between the two can cause tearing and ripping.

8. Exposure to heat or sunlight or by age can weaken and harden the condoms, causing them to be fragile and tear during use. Always keep them in a cool and dry location.

9. During World War II, condoms were used to cover rifle barrels from being damaged by salt water as the soldiers swam to shore.

10. Condoms have been sold in vending machines since 1928.

As always, remember that using a Condom is the safest and most reliable method of stopping the transmission of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). However, it’s always better to use 2 forms of contraceptives if possible to stop undesirable pregnancies.

Now why have sex at all? Why not preach abstinence? SMH

I think I am ready for a Jane Doe post now