Tag Archives: men

Throwing Bananas

At then end of my last post, I talked about the new word on the streets, which had to do with men talking about how God said this about spouses and all. Now its not so new, in that it has been on the streets for a very long time, however it totally inspired todays tale.

Now a banana as we know it, is by all means just a fruit. A banana as I know it, is a well constructed lie, fully intended to make the next person eat it. Different definitions, the same quality “it goes down rather smoothly when swallowed

With the definition out of the way, with all of us on the same page, I can now proceed.

I have watched bananas being thrown, and I have thrown quite a few. And with nothing else to do today, but blog, I have decided to share some with you (I refuse to confess). Now some of them are quite amazing, the rest quite foolish and some of them are genius in themselves.. (oh wait if I talk about the genius part, some people might finally realise that it was a lie I told). Anyways here they are, in no particular order.

  1. I am not sleeping with her yet: Oh yes, girlfriend is angry, mad at you and she is in the process of giving you a bit of her mind. Now you can look into her eyes and honestly tell her you haven’t slept with anyone yet, what you fail to say is that you kissed her last night and even got to third base… Oh yeah you forgot to mention that you expect to get the home run over the weekend. This is the good one..
  2. I am rich: No offence to the gold diggers out there, I respect your skills and talents. However it has to be said that when game meets Game, one person has to go down. A honorary mention to a corper friend of mine (back in my NYSC days) who managed to convince the ladies that he worked offshore as an oil company worker. 2 months on, 3weeks off. Kudos to all the ladies who thought they had struck gold, bigger kudos to him for letting them believe it for all 3 weeks.
  3. It want to marry you:  Now I don’t know about you, but if I was a chick and a guy walked up to me and in under two hours proclaimed his desire to marry me, two words will flash in my head “blood money” (no I didn’t say that). I will sha quietly say ok, mentally pack my bags and then physically take off. No dulling. I understand that some cases are quite critical (as per people in their search for marriage). But really scenarios where that actually works out are exceptions rather than the norm
  4. I love you: Yeah right, you only remember to say that to her, when she is angry with you or when you want to get some from her…

Really who am I kidding, these are not bananas. They are lies that have been so abused that really they are now unripe plantains (very few people actually eat them). If I were to craft a perfect banana, this is what it would look like.

  1. I will call you: You just had a wonderful evening with me, it seemed like we had fun, I told you jokes, you laughed (I smiled). You had so much fun, you want to see me again (I didn’t, I have no intentions of seeing you again). 99.9% of the time, I will look into your eyes, hold your hands and tell you straight to your face, “I will call you soon”. Yeah right!!
  2. I am younger than you: Oh yeah, women nowadays are so secretive about their age. They don’t want to seem so old so as to make a guy lose interest. What do I do? I state an age that is low enough for the woman to realise she can’t possibly have anything to do with me, and for some weird reason it makes her comfy enough to proudly state her age to me. “Really? You are 21? Aaaaawww you are so young, I am …” Oh yeah babe, I got you!!!
  3. I haven’t had sex in more than a year: Lol!! This just had to come in. Automatically, the babe becomes more comfortable around you (especially if you have been acting all normal and all) usual responses are, Really? Wow! How? Abeg jo! Whatever the response is, if she actually believes you, it will be easier for her to tell you about her sex life.
  4. Work is crazy!!!: For the days I want peace and quiet, the days I do not want to be disturbed and for the ladies I sincerely do not want to hear from again.. This is your banana. Eat it quietly and leave me in peace, I am working.
  5. I would have really loved to spend time with you this weekend: Especially because she told you she was travelling this weekend. Kindly ensure you are not in town for the next three weekends.

When all else fails, the ultimate banana is silence. No picking of calls, responding to texts or emails, update BBM status, avoid facebook updates, etc.. Let her think you are dead!!!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Try any of the above at your own risk, I no fit shout abeg!!

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Through a drinking glass…

School is over, tossed out of parents home, bosses bugging. Is it just me or are quality women getting scarce? I am sitting here with my three best buds across the room from me. One is human, two are not. Conversation trend? The rate at which men are marrying. That it is simply worrying, would be a gross understatement. It gives me sleepless nights (that I can assure you). My friend looks at me, he turns around and kisses Mary J, he says there is always Mary J, she is ever present. I look at him, he must be mad, I can’t be hanging out with you Mary J and
J.D forever man. I need to get out and get married. We can’t go on like this forever,

Mezie, babes dey finish o at this rate there will soon be nothing left in Nigeria to marry. We may have to get to Cotonou to get Tokunbo.

That is how conversations go, day in day out, we sit in this hot place talking about the same thing, work, prospects, some sports, then women, more work and then some more women, that is all we ever do. Today it is JD, tomorrow it is old faithful Guinness, day before yesterday we had Alomo bitters. Today got me thinking though, sitting in this room talking to my best bud, kissing Mary J, looking through this glass of mine…

Growing up as a kid, I was always fascinated by adult circles; you know the ones where old men sit together and talk about grown up
stuff. It was always fun hearing the jokes, the men yabbing themselves. I always wished that I could be part of it. However watching a circle as a kid and actually being in one are two different experiences entirely. Without any further ado I will break it down for you

The View from Outside:

Awesome view I must admit, men around the tv talking football, politics, playing draft, or just plain talking, they
all sounded so grown up and so (for lack of any words to call it) awesome. I couldn’t wait till the day I could join in be a part of it, just contribute something even if it was just laughs.

My View from Inside:

I have been in loads of circles since then from the age of 11 till sometime this year. WIthout further ado, I will
bring to you the best of the best from that time till now…

  • Primary School Circle (Family): My first ever cirlces (forgive my english, I am speaking as a child), all we talked about was this bully, that girl, the strict teachers, the annoying principal, how that person cried when they were flogged, and how we would set the bully up one day (which never came). Those were the days, the joy of the innocence of youth. One had no cares no worries, al we had to do was get to school, attend calsses without getting flogged or beaten by bullies and get home. Simple. We stood around in circles and talked and then we went home. Those were the days mehn!!
  • Junior Secondary Circles (PG): Notice the plural term? There were so many circles at this stage, it was sometimes to hard to keep up. The sheer amount of research one had to do was interesting. From hair sprouting out in funny areas, to voices breaking, finest/most attactive girls around to the downright scary ones, the baddest guy around, to getting to know ones self, the size of ones manhood, smoker, drinkers, fighters, etc. The few who were actually having sex (some with people in school others with home activities) and bragged about it. This was the beginning for many guys. Right now, I just laugh at silliness.
  • Senior Secondary Circles (16 SNVL): Well at this point in time, guys had either figured out or were utterly confused about their sexuality so hormones kick in here (full time). From extreme cases of the horns to extreme cases of hair, guys usually got quite aggressive at this point. Arguments at home with parents, older ones and sisters were usually discussion topics. Plans for after school romps or gists of how they went. Weekend parties, stories of  breasts touched and pants seen, etc. More lies, more action, more useless topics to discuss.
  • Pre-University Circles (18 SNVL): Done with school waiting for university, a glimpse of what the future could hold sobers people up a bit. Stories of past romps in university are used to spice up the day a bit. Expect much laughter at jokes, people getting exposed, secrets being told, etc. All this happens at the beginning. As time goes by, with no university calling, expect more alcohol, less useful talk, all in a bid to briefly escape reality.
  • University Circles (R18): Lecturers, babes, parents, children, fights, sights… The overall sights and sounds of universities made these circles one of the best to ever be a part of.. Smokes, drinks were the order of the day.. The memories.. Hmmm (not that I would partake of them again). A circle better experienced than talked about (I kid you not)
  • Present Circles: Why talk about somethiing I have never experienced? Men in Sport clubs, boat clubs, golfing, fancy bars and restaurants? Who cares? Me and Mezie sit in my parlour, or his and we drink beer, smoke kpoli, and gossip. That is all we ever do.. Hearing the laughter from us you would think we were both clowns. We are most definitely not clowns! He is a banker and I am, I am… Oh CRAP!!! What am I? Mezie! MEZIE!!!! Pass me the kpoli…

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

S-Sex  N-Nudity  V-Violence  L-Language

Disclaimer: No references were made to any real people in this post, no I was not high writing this

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