I always had the impression growing up that it would be easy.. All you would have to do is go down on one knee and pop the question, and the answer will be most likely yes.
I have been to countless weddings (lie, I hate weddings).. Sorry, I have been to a couple of weddings, watched countless movies, heard plenty gist and testimonies and really and truly, they make things look so easy. I now know better. They lied, each and every one of them, movies don’t capture thought processes. They lied when they said they just knew you would be the one, they probably lied when they say God told them, they lied when they said it was easy. The only truth I have heard was from my pastor and to me now , it was only partial, because he freaked out only after “she” said yes.
This is by far the most difficult decision I have ever had to make, the decision to ask you to marry me. I have visioned it a thousand times, a thousand times a thousand and it was always romantic, in it you always said yes, in it, everything was perfect. In real life however, I am freaked out, so many things are running through my mind.
I remember the first night we spent together, we talked all night different topics, random things. Time stood still when we were together, we created our own world. I remember the day I knew it was you, back at the beginning, I heard it clearly and I felt it too. I remember the countless fights we had, the little one, the big ones and the playful ones. We have come so far been through so much together that we could literally be married. So why am I so scared? Why am I quietly freaking out?
I am scared that I am not good enough, scared of failing you. Scared I am not ready, scared of what the future would hold. I have always believed that before starting out on a journey, a man should be prepared for whatever the future could hold, he should be ready to cater for his family, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I do not think I am ready.
I am scared of what your answer would be, that regardless of all we have been together, I am scared your answer would be no.
Do I love you? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Yes to both, every single time. However, all the love and all my desires are not helping me, not today, not since the last time I saw you. I saw you and everything changed, we have been apart for so long that I feel that the bond we once had has seriously weakened. The man is supposed to be the strong person, supposed to reassure the woman, make her feel secure, knowing that he is always there. Lies! All lies!! I now believe every single one of us freaked out just a little bit before the question. The ones that didn’t, had ulterior motives.
Dear Jane Doe,
If you ever read this (
I know I chased you away with one angry post I wrote), know this… You are the only one that knows how I truly feel about you apart from me. And you are the only one that knows how hard I find it to describe my true feelings. I am not perfect, I might not be many people’s version of ideal. There are many things lacking in my life that I am yet to get. Freaking out is an understatement of how I feel but underneath it all, my feelings for you have not changed in the 6 years I have known you. I may have buried it for a while, hidden it for a while but it is all there, from the first day till date.
I am freaking out, I have been freaking out all weekend and all week and I have been trying to hide it and I am failing, its only a matter of time before it starts showing.
Disclaimer: Women in general like to assume we are cold calculating people who have the answers to almost everything. Have it all planned out. Men cry, men die, men freak out just like you, they just hide it better (makes me wonder about the Men from Mars and Women from Venus thing). If you by any chance know Jane Doe, please keep this from her.
MsLuffa is this good enough to classify as part of the Jane Doe chronicles?