Tag Archives: Lies

Thoughts of a Single Nigerian Man Pt. 1

I would like to write awesome posts, the ones that would make people go oooh and aaah, sadly I start out with something awesome and end up writing yet another bland post. I read the blogs of MsLuffa, TheRustGeek, Kiah among others and I wish I could write more awesome posts. Restricting myself to rantings about my single life sucks just a teeny little bit. Anyways off with that and on with todays post.. Different mumblings and jumblings of my mind as it ticks and shifts. Enjoy!

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If I was to talk about myself, I would say I was an onion with many different layers. Any attempt to peel the layers without the right tools and the right authorization would result in a very large amount of onion juice in your eye. I would say  I have a very inventive imagination and a rather uncanny ability to see things from outside the box. My views are very different from everyone else most times and I love doing the unexpected amd for that reason, many people call me weird, almost all the rest say I am complicated, the few that know me to some extent claim they love me and they are always worried about me. The why? I don’t know, maybe its because of the several screws that are loose in my head. I am a borderline insomniac and have insufferable mood swings. Are you worried yet? I am not.

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My blood pressure is very fine according to the doctor I saw last week Friday. She also told me I am HIV -ve and there was absolutely nothing wrong with me but malaria. I pleaded for sleeping pills, she prescribed some, the pharmacist however gave me only 3 pills of Lexotan. All efforts to get more fell on deaf ears. Maybe they think I am suicidal, I don’t know. I know I am not, I just want to sleep. Its 12.30 in the morning, it will soon be 1. I still cannot sleep. By 1 .30 the bees will start flying around me, they will make me lots of honey and I have no one to share them with. Please just give me some more pills, I swallowed the last one last night. I will go back for more in the morning.

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I went to my friends office today, I met a beautiful young lady at the front desk. I am sure she was very helpful, while she was trying to reach my friend, there I sat wondering what her cupsize was. B or C? Hmmmm.. I wonder. I can’t remember what we talked about.

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Breasts…. Breasts…. Ooops, get out of my mind. I am here for an interview. I quickly say the Lord’s Prayer and mind clears… She walks by shaking her luxurious behind… Bees start flying, I get out my bee swatter. I am here for an interview. Yet another she sitting beside me, wearing a skirt so vague it beats my understanding.. If a pin dropped and I had to pick it… Ooops I did mentally and I liked what I saw, now JT wants to get up and get close and personal. DOWN BOY!!!

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Dear Mary Joanna, where are you, its been so long  and I dearly and sorely miss you so. Mezie says it is difficult to reach you now. I haven’t kissed you in so long, I can’t sleep, please fix a date for when we can meet..

Dear MimiB, I strongly believe you are wrong with respect to the different ways in which men think. Have you ever seen a man who suspects his wife or girlfriend of cheating? Or heard a man’s single friends tell him why a girl does not like him? (overanalysis)? Have you ever heard a man justify why he is cheating on his partner? (black and white)? Ever seen a man when he hears that his mother who he loves so much is dead (emotionally involved)? Even better count the number of women with high blood pressure and compare it with the men (overthinking) . Sorry decided to write it here rather than leave another comment.

 

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I have written so much rubbish today, I think I would call it a day. Lets not even do the graphics

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: I shall not be held responsible for anything that happens on my screen after 12.30am. Its 1.21am at the time of posting.

Dear Lexotan, I need you more tonight than I needed you last night to help me to kill these damn bees.

In the words of Shaggy, It wasn’t me!!

Throwing Bananas

At then end of my last post, I talked about the new word on the streets, which had to do with men talking about how God said this about spouses and all. Now its not so new, in that it has been on the streets for a very long time, however it totally inspired todays tale.

Now a banana as we know it, is by all means just a fruit. A banana as I know it, is a well constructed lie, fully intended to make the next person eat it. Different definitions, the same quality “it goes down rather smoothly when swallowed

With the definition out of the way, with all of us on the same page, I can now proceed.

I have watched bananas being thrown, and I have thrown quite a few. And with nothing else to do today, but blog, I have decided to share some with you (I refuse to confess). Now some of them are quite amazing, the rest quite foolish and some of them are genius in themselves.. (oh wait if I talk about the genius part, some people might finally realise that it was a lie I told). Anyways here they are, in no particular order.

  1. I am not sleeping with her yet: Oh yes, girlfriend is angry, mad at you and she is in the process of giving you a bit of her mind. Now you can look into her eyes and honestly tell her you haven’t slept with anyone yet, what you fail to say is that you kissed her last night and even got to third base… Oh yeah you forgot to mention that you expect to get the home run over the weekend. This is the good one..
  2. I am rich: No offence to the gold diggers out there, I respect your skills and talents. However it has to be said that when game meets Game, one person has to go down. A honorary mention to a corper friend of mine (back in my NYSC days) who managed to convince the ladies that he worked offshore as an oil company worker. 2 months on, 3weeks off. Kudos to all the ladies who thought they had struck gold, bigger kudos to him for letting them believe it for all 3 weeks.
  3. It want to marry you:  Now I don’t know about you, but if I was a chick and a guy walked up to me and in under two hours proclaimed his desire to marry me, two words will flash in my head “blood money” (no I didn’t say that). I will sha quietly say ok, mentally pack my bags and then physically take off. No dulling. I understand that some cases are quite critical (as per people in their search for marriage). But really scenarios where that actually works out are exceptions rather than the norm
  4. I love you: Yeah right, you only remember to say that to her, when she is angry with you or when you want to get some from her…

Really who am I kidding, these are not bananas. They are lies that have been so abused that really they are now unripe plantains (very few people actually eat them). If I were to craft a perfect banana, this is what it would look like.

  1. I will call you: You just had a wonderful evening with me, it seemed like we had fun, I told you jokes, you laughed (I smiled). You had so much fun, you want to see me again (I didn’t, I have no intentions of seeing you again). 99.9% of the time, I will look into your eyes, hold your hands and tell you straight to your face, “I will call you soon”. Yeah right!!
  2. I am younger than you: Oh yeah, women nowadays are so secretive about their age. They don’t want to seem so old so as to make a guy lose interest. What do I do? I state an age that is low enough for the woman to realise she can’t possibly have anything to do with me, and for some weird reason it makes her comfy enough to proudly state her age to me. “Really? You are 21? Aaaaawww you are so young, I am …” Oh yeah babe, I got you!!!
  3. I haven’t had sex in more than a year: Lol!! This just had to come in. Automatically, the babe becomes more comfortable around you (especially if you have been acting all normal and all) usual responses are, Really? Wow! How? Abeg jo! Whatever the response is, if she actually believes you, it will be easier for her to tell you about her sex life.
  4. Work is crazy!!!: For the days I want peace and quiet, the days I do not want to be disturbed and for the ladies I sincerely do not want to hear from again.. This is your banana. Eat it quietly and leave me in peace, I am working.
  5. I would have really loved to spend time with you this weekend: Especially because she told you she was travelling this weekend. Kindly ensure you are not in town for the next three weekends.

When all else fails, the ultimate banana is silence. No picking of calls, responding to texts or emails, update BBM status, avoid facebook updates, etc.. Let her think you are dead!!!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Try any of the above at your own risk, I no fit shout abeg!!

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