Tag Archives: issues

To set or not to set P

Hello, Scarlet here. How have you crazy kids been doing? ‘Miss me’? I missed you all ūüôā
Had a crazy couple of weeks, but I am back now. And while I was away, I have been thinking a lot about our ‘p-choices’/’friends with benefits or whatever colorful names there are out there.

Being a single person has its highs, lows and rock bottoms. And contrary to popular belief, choosing to remain single isn’t always a choice thing. To each his own, abi?
Oh well, here are a set of rules I try to live by. These are my own rules, y’all are entitled to yours but like I said to each his own. However please read, contribute as best as you can, your comments are very much appreciated.
*aherm*
So so so… If you are a single person, and you are either getting it on a regular maybe you are in a close proximity P zone and you do not have high demanding job then you are the lucky one. (#np Youth- Daughter)
The rest of those who are having trouble maybe because ‘the land is dry’, or your p is far, he lives in Festac and you live in Ajah 5th roundabout, (Lagos and their endless LGAs. And lekki roundabouts? Even Epe,Eleko and that Sango place after VGC claims Lagos , I am tired!) I also feel sorry for you,it happens long distance p-setting can be so irritating. Why even bother? However any more talk on Lagos P-setting can and will not be done today. Ok ok, so I believe every single, ‘blood-dey-hot’ person must know this;

Rule #1 P is P!: Lemme explain…..it doesn’t matter how many times you get the P! Hell! The less the better, that leaves you craving more P. So it’s good, delaying gratification makes the experience that much intense than getting it on a regular. There is also the Law of Diminishing returns (for the ones that can relate). So even if you get it everyday, or once a month.. P is P, It’s all in your mind and your raging ‘whoremoans’ LOL. Try not to attach too much to it.

Rule #2: Some Ps are greater than others! Imagine,like 5 guys or girls are on your case,if you can juggle….I say go for it. You are an adult. Just remember to take the necessary steps. Protection is paramount, whether it’s your heart you are protecting or your ‘uglies’. Dexterity is a skill some lack(e.g. Me) so I like to make a scale of preference in a notepad (more economics) YES! I do that…bite me. So if that works for you, please, don’t be shy, get a note book, (speaking to the ladies now) write down names, likes, dislikes, hygiene; does he smell like sex or food? Or does he just smell? Does he chew with his mouth open? Is he certifiable (by that I mean are is he in need of psychiatric help)? Does he have a funny name that u can’t imagining screaming during *clears throat*(Names can be a deal breakers) I know its p, but once in awhile, you get to see them eat, shower and even cry (don’t ask) and in some rarest of cases meet a family member.
Arrange them in any order you like. Me, I want an orderly,organised life, sex inclusive, so I like to know where my problem is coming from. Some Ps are greater than others, the sooner you learn this the better. So you aren’t lying down there chanting ‘WTHell was I thinking, wthell was I thinking’ while he jack-rabbits his way to the end.

Rule #3: Not everyone deserves your P! This goes for both men and women! I know being single is HARD and like I said b4 bodi dey hot… Ladies,you know when you have had a long day and you just want to go home and have your feet rubbed or soak in a tub for two, or just cuddle? Oh men stop scoffing, I know there are days you want to go home and it feels like you stepped into a clich√© Nollywood scene. Woman at the door to take off your jacket and help with your bag and shoes. Hot meal on the table with a cold beverage, a hot bath and maybe sex? But you settle for leftover refrigerated noodles (for those who don’t cook), a quick cold shower, too ease of the day’s stress and a boner, that personal assistant gave you cos of her ridiculously tight, short gown which of course you are probably too tired to tend to. It sucks (pun intended)
I know I digress and it’s sha difficult, but please please please. Your P is special, not everyone deserves it and this doesn’t in any way conflict with rule #1. Rule #1 talks about duration.

RULE #4 P-setting isn’t for everyone: P-setting is a contract,a mutual ‘psychic’ arrangement between two consenting adults to have sex with as little emotion as possible ( I say psychic because most times you are expected to just understand your F-buddy and not to ask too many questions or expect too much). A friend of mine told me something ‘If she can give her body,she can give her heart’ And I said ‘y’all must think women are mashed ripe plantain in human form. I have met STRONG women that DON’T CARE whether you call or text…Life goes on, you aren’t feeding them. And I know CLINGY, whiny men, so its an individual thing. If its too hot, get out of the kitchen!
I.E. if setting- P isn’t not your thing, don’t do it.

WARNING!!! DO NOT FALL for a P! Because you have been P-Zoned, you aren’t the custodian of the mumu button. In fact, chances are you’ll never find it, so just keep it fun and physical. So on that note, I bid you farewell. I hope I have been able to help, in your quest for ‘love, sex and others…*aherm* Jara ‘ things in this ever competitive world…. E no easy oh! Have a fun hump day

*wink*

xoxo

Scarlet

Miss Meddle’s Mind: So You Think You Can Date?

Be careful what you wish for, ‘cos you just might get it. And when you do, it may not be all you cracked it up to be.

So you get to that point in your life when you feel you’ve fooled around long enough, and it’s best for your health to try to have an actual relationship. OK. Enter possible partners. Watch yourself fixate on the absolutely intolerable habits of each new person who comes your way.

[unordered_list style=”red-x”]

  • This one smokes, and doesn’t look like someone who appreciates drastic lifestyle changes.
  • That one is of a different religious inclination and you simply cannot put up with such a wide gap in belief systems.
  • Bobo e¬†has an eye that positively glints when anything female passes within a 50 mile radius.
  • This¬†sisi¬†will run you into an early financial grave if given half the chance.

[/unordered_list]

Dating
Wouldn’t this be awesome?

An alternate title for this post would be: The Big “But”.

You find someone who seems relatively normal, who is of the same religious inclination, who you are certain you could introduce to your family at some point down the line without being laughed out of the house, someone who meets at least some of your physical specs, a creature with tangible goals and visible struggles to attain said goals, but

But he doesn’t make you laugh, or she doesn’t turn you on (this is me making a joke; this is near impossible for a healthy man), or he’s unforgivably short, or she has a cruel H-factor accent…

sabotage

Another title for this post could be “Self-Sabotage”.

What is the problem, really? Is your little “reason” enough to let go of a rather “okay” person? Or is it something else? Maybe a little more baggage than most? Maybe just a fear of the unknown? An unwillingness to try out something… someONE new?

Sigh.

This weird post is really just me trying to figure out some things. And also find out if anyone out there goes through such complications in the Man-Woman things of life.

P.S.

God grant us all the patience to sift through possibilities, the tolerance to endure the compromisable, the strength to walk away from the destructive, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

Cheers,

@msmeddle

Gender Theorems

To all guys, especially Bee.
Yes, I want to be chased in a particular way. But no, I will not tell you how. How weird would that be??! It would be like me toasting myself; all I’d have to do is give you the script to read from and point out where to stand.
I have allowed (yes, allowed) you to get as close to me as possible without actual surgery. That is enough for you. You have to figure me out well enough to know what I want to hear, when I need to hear it and how you should say it.
You see, guys claim that the problem with women is that we talk too much without actually communicating. Let me you guys the expo.
All that random gist we fill your ears with? No, that’s not just because we can’t shut up or are eager to entertain you. That gist, young man, forms our lecture notes and you would do well to remember every word.
You see, women are a naturally nurturing breed of organisms. We believe in giving second chances. That’s why we talk about ourselves and our lives, giving you little clues to our personalities and what makes us tick. We are gently preparing you for the tests ahead.
Oh yeah, there will be tests. You have no reason to fail because we have equipped you with all the info you need.
Moral of the story; Listen when your woman talks!
The answers to the comprehension questions are ALWAYS in the passage!
***
On a slightly related note, the one thing I can’t stand is the transfer of blame thing that guys do. Feeling over sharp guy with himself, a guy will refuse to man up and admit to his guilt. Instead, he will go off about how it’s really the woman’s fault for ignoring/ overcrowding him/ loving him knowing “how he is”/ not being there/ expecting too much from him, etc, ad nauseum.
While I’m not lambasting the entire male race, I know that many of them do this; I have watched friends suffer under such conditions. I hate this behaviour. It is unfair to women as women and as human beings.
The moral of this story? Guys, when caught with your pants down, don’t go on about how the nice lady crouched in front of you was only trying to sew on a loose button. Let those cojones drop for the right reason.
Never, ever, lay blame for your crime elsewhere. Admit that you have made an ass of yourself, apologize (and mean it), then BEG.
Q.E.D.
P.S. I will say “guys”, and “MAN”, maybe even “boys”. However, using the word “men” makes me feel old and pervy, so I will use it sparingly.
Disclaimer(per His Majesty’s request): Any aggression in this post is meant in the most loving of ways.:-)

The Relationship Contract…

I have been quiet for a while, except for that rant I posted on Ennui which has been quickly taken down. It’s Wednesday, 4pm and I am bored stiff. Finally decided to put this up. Its something that has been on my mind for a while and meeting a friend of mine on Monday finally gave me the 3rd ball neccessary to put it up (no having just 2 ain’t enough sometimes). Before I proceed, let me get some definitions out of the way…

The Relationship Cycle: This can be defined as the time it takes for a single Nigerian to get into a relationship and get single again. Without beating any bushes, let me define in some detail. This is somehow related to the series I never started, found here.

First Phase – The Hook Up: We just met and we are getting to decide if we can do one of the following; date, sleep with each other or be friends. Whichever one it is, deciding leads you straight to the second step. That is unless there is typeographical error somewhere in which case the cycle ends… Immediately.

Second Phase – The Honeymoon: Having decided what we want to be, we just can’t get enough of each other. We go everywhere together, kiss a lot and hold hands (if we are dating) or loads of nookie (if we decide to sleep with each other as well). Deciding to enter the relationship leads you to the third phase. This ends if one of the following happens.. The babe chop your money finish, the babe meets another guy, the babe sleeps with another guy.. Guys no dey hear word, even if they are seeing, sleeping or meeting other girls they will still want you.. SMH!!!

Third Phase – The Relationship: This is usually the maker or the breaker. It is the point where guy and girl come out in the open and start meeting friends and minor relations. They start fighting, kissing less, sexing less and actually start doing what they should have continued from the first phase, talking to each other again. Usually, the wahala(problems) the other person carries is more than can be handled and the second person bolts. Other times, they both reach a compromise. In mathematical terms, see below

Quality of sex is directly proportional (or more) to the amount of wahala received or (The amount of good times/the amount of bad times) > 1 = Good signs. Anything less na problem o, for both parties

After all has been said and done, depending on what the couple decides, they decide to move on to the next stage…

Fourth Phase – The Engagement: This is the point when they decide to marry… I shall stop here for now because I truly cannot talk about what I haven’t experienced. Honorary mentions to Marriage, Honeymoon and yet another Relationship till death/divorce do you part.

Having said and done all of the above, if I was to get into the relationship cycle again, here are some laid down rules I would want to get established.

  1. I am a guy, regardless of what you think or what you want, I will remain a guy and think like one. Do not be offended if I want to act like a guy when you want me to do your chick things with you. I will take you shopping, take you to make your hair, but I will not sit with you through it all, unless there is sex involved at the end of it. Meaning? I have to be a husband, fiancée or a one weekend stand.
  2. If you know you have no plans whatsoever, I mean NO PLANS, of getting married to me and you are just here for the kicks and fun, please make plans for lots of nookie, or else kindly move on and don’t waste my time. Thank you
  3. If you kiss me any time after 9pm during the week and it involves tongue, God will punish you if you let it stop there. Same swearing from 9pm on Friday till 10pm on Saturday. Sunday is Holy, lets keep it that way.
  4. I like food, I like to cook, don’t abuse that. My mama, God bless her soul, imbibed those skills as a backup plan on the days the wife goes funny. Note the key word wife.
  5. I agree fights have to happen, but after the first 4 fights please lets establish a pattern. We fight, you bone after 4 days of begging please forgive me. All you have to do to make me forgive you is take off your top and bra. I am easy like that.
  6. If I propose to you and you say no, knowing fully well how I feel, there is no problem. However if you decide to still hang around me.. There is a saying where I am from and it quietly relates to pregnancy. Be warned!! However if I do tell you I do not want to marry you and you still hang around, be ready for loads of dodgery* from me (did I just form a new word? *shrugs). Is this one sided? Sorry, I will reduce the print.
Having said all this, kindly sign
___________________________________________
Thank you.
.
Regards,
                                                  .
Single Nigerian Man
.
My heart is broken, I did not create the word dodgery, it already exists.
In other news, I have a crush, totally seperate and different from Jane Doe. Totally seperate from my blogwife Kiah too. Everyone meet Miz her twivatar is calling my eyes mehn!!! No I am not a…, what’s the word for internet ashewo again?
Disclaimer: I was under the influence, please forgive me. Faced a minor difficulty above; I know of “problems are” but “wahala are” just sounds weird
Dear Wonuola, the diclaimer is for you.
OMG, I am still staring #nowcrying
Now running home.
Yeah you got it right, I have almost found my muse again *sticking tongue out* at Kiah