Tag Archives: irresponsible men

The Relationship Contract…

I have been quiet for a while, except for that rant I posted on Ennui which has been quickly taken down. It’s Wednesday, 4pm and I am bored stiff. Finally decided to put this up. Its something that has been on my mind for a while and meeting a friend of mine on Monday finally gave me the 3rd ball neccessary to put it up (no having just 2 ain’t enough sometimes). Before I proceed, let me get some definitions out of the way…

The Relationship Cycle: This can be defined as the time it takes for a single Nigerian to get into a relationship and get single again. Without beating any bushes, let me define in some detail. This is somehow related to the series I never started, found here.

First Phase – The Hook Up: We just met and we are getting to decide if we can do one of the following; date, sleep with each other or be friends. Whichever one it is, deciding leads you straight to the second step. That is unless there is typeographical error somewhere in which case the cycle ends… Immediately.

Second Phase – The Honeymoon: Having decided what we want to be, we just can’t get enough of each other. We go everywhere together, kiss a lot and hold hands (if we are dating) or loads of nookie (if we decide to sleep with each other as well). Deciding to enter the relationship leads you to the third phase. This ends if one of the following happens.. The babe chop your money finish, the babe meets another guy, the babe sleeps with another guy.. Guys no dey hear word, even if they are seeing, sleeping or meeting other girls they will still want you.. SMH!!!

Third Phase – The Relationship: This is usually the maker or the breaker. It is the point where guy and girl come out in the open and start meeting friends and minor relations. They start fighting, kissing less, sexing less and actually start doing what they should have continued from the first phase, talking to each other again. Usually, the wahala(problems) the other person carries is more than can be handled and the second person bolts. Other times, they both reach a compromise. In mathematical terms, see below

Quality of sex is directly proportional (or more) to the amount of wahala received or (The amount of good times/the amount of bad times) > 1 = Good signs. Anything less na problem o, for both parties

After all has been said and done, depending on what the couple decides, they decide to move on to the next stage…

Fourth Phase – The Engagement: This is the point when they decide to marry… I shall stop here for now because I truly cannot talk about what I haven’t experienced. Honorary mentions to Marriage, Honeymoon and yet another Relationship till death/divorce do you part.

Having said and done all of the above, if I was to get into the relationship cycle again, here are some laid down rules I would want to get established.

  1. I am a guy, regardless of what you think or what you want, I will remain a guy and think like one. Do not be offended if I want to act like a guy when you want me to do your chick things with you. I will take you shopping, take you to make your hair, but I will not sit with you through it all, unless there is sex involved at the end of it. Meaning? I have to be a husband, fiancée or a one weekend stand.
  2. If you know you have no plans whatsoever, I mean NO PLANS, of getting married to me and you are just here for the kicks and fun, please make plans for lots of nookie, or else kindly move on and don’t waste my time. Thank you
  3. If you kiss me any time after 9pm during the week and it involves tongue, God will punish you if you let it stop there. Same swearing from 9pm on Friday till 10pm on Saturday. Sunday is Holy, lets keep it that way.
  4. I like food, I like to cook, don’t abuse that. My mama, God bless her soul, imbibed those skills as a backup plan on the days the wife goes funny. Note the key word wife.
  5. I agree fights have to happen, but after the first 4 fights please lets establish a pattern. We fight, you bone after 4 days of begging please forgive me. All you have to do to make me forgive you is take off your top and bra. I am easy like that.
  6. If I propose to you and you say no, knowing fully well how I feel, there is no problem. However if you decide to still hang around me.. There is a saying where I am from and it quietly relates to pregnancy. Be warned!! However if I do tell you I do not want to marry you and you still hang around, be ready for loads of dodgery* from me (did I just form a new word? *shrugs). Is this one sided? Sorry, I will reduce the print.
Having said all this, kindly sign
___________________________________________
Thank you.
.
Regards,
                                                  .
Single Nigerian Man
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My heart is broken, I did not create the word dodgery, it already exists.
In other news, I have a crush, totally seperate and different from Jane Doe. Totally seperate from my blogwife Kiah too. Everyone meet Miz her twivatar is calling my eyes mehn!!! No I am not a…, what’s the word for internet ashewo again?
Disclaimer: I was under the influence, please forgive me. Faced a minor difficulty above; I know of “problems are” but “wahala are” just sounds weird
Dear Wonuola, the diclaimer is for you.
OMG, I am still staring #nowcrying
Now running home.
Yeah you got it right, I have almost found my muse again *sticking tongue out* at Kiah

Baskets of Eggs…

Writing this post makes me remember A “Forest of Flowers” by Ken Saro Wiwa (God rest his soul), funny book that cracked me up silly. I remember two wise old sayings, “a bird in hand is worth two in the bush” and “don’t put all your eggs in one basket“. If you ask me today those are two quite conflicting statements if applied to chasing and toasting babes. Two conflicting statements that guys tend to apply to the same situations. Hmmm… Before I confuse myself and start speaking Mandarin, let me take it down some levels..

Lets take a typical guy, call him Specimen A (no link to the music group), he meets a nice looking girl, gets to toasting and actually likes her. Now all through the toasting Specimen A applies the first wise saying (1ws) toasts the bird in hand and leaves all the birds in the bush to catch the one so near at hand. However the minute Specimen A gets his precious birdie he applies 2ws, he puts his precious birdie in his basket and proceeds to chase all the birds in the bush. Now if that was the end of the story it would be good. However, dear Specimen A has a series of baskets lined up and he has decided that he must have a bird/egg in each and every one of them. Catch my drift?

I have tried to wrap my mind around this for a while now, I mean I have only space for one bird in my heart (God bless her soul) and while that bird remains there, I have no intention of doing bush waka. I mean its probably just me but then chasing a bird is actually stress. Talkless of 2 or 3 in the bush (shuo) that one pass government work because na still you go pay for the chase. Now for the men spreading their eggs around, chasing all the birds in the bush and getting away with it, I will say well done una try. As for me I refuse to either put all my eggs in one basket or spread them around in different baskets. If I catch any egg, na to boil am chop, Finish!!! No negotiation, no pricing. Why cry over a broken egg you could have fried and eaten?

As for birds… Hmmm. That is a story for another day.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: None!!!

Throwing Bananas

At then end of my last post, I talked about the new word on the streets, which had to do with men talking about how God said this about spouses and all. Now its not so new, in that it has been on the streets for a very long time, however it totally inspired todays tale.

Now a banana as we know it, is by all means just a fruit. A banana as I know it, is a well constructed lie, fully intended to make the next person eat it. Different definitions, the same quality “it goes down rather smoothly when swallowed

With the definition out of the way, with all of us on the same page, I can now proceed.

I have watched bananas being thrown, and I have thrown quite a few. And with nothing else to do today, but blog, I have decided to share some with you (I refuse to confess). Now some of them are quite amazing, the rest quite foolish and some of them are genius in themselves.. (oh wait if I talk about the genius part, some people might finally realise that it was a lie I told). Anyways here they are, in no particular order.

  1. I am not sleeping with her yet: Oh yes, girlfriend is angry, mad at you and she is in the process of giving you a bit of her mind. Now you can look into her eyes and honestly tell her you haven’t slept with anyone yet, what you fail to say is that you kissed her last night and even got to third base… Oh yeah you forgot to mention that you expect to get the home run over the weekend. This is the good one..
  2. I am rich: No offence to the gold diggers out there, I respect your skills and talents. However it has to be said that when game meets Game, one person has to go down. A honorary mention to a corper friend of mine (back in my NYSC days) who managed to convince the ladies that he worked offshore as an oil company worker. 2 months on, 3weeks off. Kudos to all the ladies who thought they had struck gold, bigger kudos to him for letting them believe it for all 3 weeks.
  3. It want to marry you:  Now I don’t know about you, but if I was a chick and a guy walked up to me and in under two hours proclaimed his desire to marry me, two words will flash in my head “blood money” (no I didn’t say that). I will sha quietly say ok, mentally pack my bags and then physically take off. No dulling. I understand that some cases are quite critical (as per people in their search for marriage). But really scenarios where that actually works out are exceptions rather than the norm
  4. I love you: Yeah right, you only remember to say that to her, when she is angry with you or when you want to get some from her…

Really who am I kidding, these are not bananas. They are lies that have been so abused that really they are now unripe plantains (very few people actually eat them). If I were to craft a perfect banana, this is what it would look like.

  1. I will call you: You just had a wonderful evening with me, it seemed like we had fun, I told you jokes, you laughed (I smiled). You had so much fun, you want to see me again (I didn’t, I have no intentions of seeing you again). 99.9% of the time, I will look into your eyes, hold your hands and tell you straight to your face, “I will call you soon”. Yeah right!!
  2. I am younger than you: Oh yeah, women nowadays are so secretive about their age. They don’t want to seem so old so as to make a guy lose interest. What do I do? I state an age that is low enough for the woman to realise she can’t possibly have anything to do with me, and for some weird reason it makes her comfy enough to proudly state her age to me. “Really? You are 21? Aaaaawww you are so young, I am …” Oh yeah babe, I got you!!!
  3. I haven’t had sex in more than a year: Lol!! This just had to come in. Automatically, the babe becomes more comfortable around you (especially if you have been acting all normal and all) usual responses are, Really? Wow! How? Abeg jo! Whatever the response is, if she actually believes you, it will be easier for her to tell you about her sex life.
  4. Work is crazy!!!: For the days I want peace and quiet, the days I do not want to be disturbed and for the ladies I sincerely do not want to hear from again.. This is your banana. Eat it quietly and leave me in peace, I am working.
  5. I would have really loved to spend time with you this weekend: Especially because she told you she was travelling this weekend. Kindly ensure you are not in town for the next three weekends.

When all else fails, the ultimate banana is silence. No picking of calls, responding to texts or emails, update BBM status, avoid facebook updates, etc.. Let her think you are dead!!!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Try any of the above at your own risk, I no fit shout abeg!!

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Dear Brother Abraham,

I have never met you and you will never meet me but I strongly believe I have to let you know my mind. There are many people in life that do things for seemingly no reason. However I have come to see, been made to believe that this is not the case. In many cases there is usually a reason for everything a man does no matter how deeply ingrained it is. Please Brother Abraham, what is yours? I would like to know what drives you, what motivates you? What on earth am I talking about? Yes, the time has come to let you know that:

I have heard news about your activities, I have seen numerous young children running around with your name on their lips. Now that for sure is a good thing after all since many children know the name of their president, Goodluck, Tuface, MI to name a few. However I am sure that if Tuface were to see these kids (lets make it local), he wouldn’t find some having his eyes, others his nose, ears or forehead, they wouldn’t have his lips, neither would they have his last name. If it were numbers between 1 and 3, I would understand, but the numbers quoted in reports are staggering, as none of them were from the same home (the numbers could be used to start a new community. Yes, I heard that much)

As a kid growing up, I was one of many that sang the song “Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had Father Abraham, I am one of them and so are you…” But I am sure of two things

  1. Our Sunday school teachers had no intentions of us living like you Brother Abraham. I don’t know if that is your motivation or your excuse but please Father Abraham had only two children.
  2. If I was singing that song in Sunday school it would have some sort of impact on me if all the children singing the song were from my father.

Now I know that every man, young and old has some sort of aspiration to be a footballer, but then I believe (my view) that if you must be a footballer, you must be a footballer of one club and any goals scored should be own goals. Striking in the another club’s net is most definitely not allowed. A case where a man is a full blown striker, scoring goals at random, changing clubs every week is not acceptable. If you must score goals for other clubs, please do it in training, where goals do not count. But I guess that advice is a bit too late for you Brother Abraham.

Finally, I believe the statement be fruitful and multiply has been given a whole new definition for you, you have been really fruitful and you may have started a whole new community, but then a scenario where the number of fruits is directly proportional to the number of trees simply means that the farmer should be put down and I don’t mean by physical death. I mean the farmer’s tools should be taken away.

Three different references Brother Abraham, all for you. Hopefully you will get to understand at least one.

Yeah yeah, I know you got swag, but Brother pull your pants up, strike for just one team, farm on one tree and please make that song for the kids just that, a song. Thank you.

Disclaimer: This post is not directed at anyone in particular, no animals were harmed in its production, no plants were burnt either. And yes, this post has nothing to do with any football playing, farming or Sunday School teaching.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

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