Tag Archives: Hem-line

First Date with Prince Charming?

Yeah the title sucks, I know, but I could not think of another name for this

So here I am again sitting at yet another table, with yet another date and rather than talk to her and see how it plays out, my mind has wandered yet again. Thinking theories, playing out acts and trying my best to be polite while thinking a way out of yet another mess I could put myself into.

Here’s my thought train…

I know, yes I know that every woman wants her Prince Charming to come sweep her off her feet and do his charming things and win her heart, but really, right from time immemorial, Prince Charming has been looking for his Crown Jewel as well to compliment his charming nature and well make him look more charming than usual.
That may sound sexist but yes, he needs you to compliment his nature, you need him to be your rock. Finish!! Daas all. Now I have talked about my sandwich theory, my hem line theory and type-o-graphic errors. Although I may have applied it to women (because I am a man), I do understand it works both ways.

Funny how no matter how much one wants to get a Prince Charming, no one is really ready to kiss a frog to get one.

However I do not understand how a girl can expect to get her Prince Charming when she isn’t no Crown Jewel. If I were to apply my sandwich theory I would say, if it looks like meat, tastes like bread and moos like a piece of meat, the damn thing is bread. It can moo all it likes, wear two horns and have nine udders (technology has done wonders), but it can’t be meat. In other words sweet empty words, no matter how sweet and no matter how many actions back it up are still empty. The first three letters of the word action are A, C and T. Now girls think being a Crown Jewel has everything to do with being shiny, glossy and all made up. The bible, my bible says that a good wife is made up of good character and any woman with only honeyed up lips, and oiled up speech should be labeled #suspect (I didn’t say so, Solomon did) and I should beware. Yes I am very a-ware so I will be b-ware. How did I get here?

Yes. This lady sitting in front of me is expecting me to be a good guy, she be expecting me to say all the right words, do all the right things and make all the right moves. I on the other hand am sitting here with my mind very far from here, my head making the usual buzz I get from type-o-graphic errors, but saying all the right things, doing all the right things… However I do draw the line at making all the right moves. I am a good actor yes, but no I am not that good. Did I say doing all the right things? Ahhh, I lied.

Why would I do that?

Thanks to Beyonce and all the other single ladies, women now think it’s their absolute right to decide whether or not a guy fits the bill and dump him as they see fit (forgetting most times that it does work both ways). Please men, let them. It is less stress for you, less pain for them (unless you actually want something more, in which case you are screwed). When it comes to that, I chuck ego in their face and let them have it all. I will fight for one woman and one woman alone (my wife). That fight however, is not today.
Hopefully it will come soon.

“Saying you are a good guy/girl many times to a mirror doesn’t make you a good guy/girl. It makes you someone who talks too much. .”

Beauty is everything; a beautiful mind, beautiful heart and a beautiful character. I will rather have all three than have a beautiful wicked woman, with absolutely no manners.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

And finally, for all them that love Proverbs 31, kindly read Proverbs 30 first.

DISCLAIMER: Please I don’t hate women, I actually love them. A lot.

Image credit

Wrong Timing!

If I could get some money for every time this question was asked any where all over the world, I would be the richest man ever (excluding Wise Solomon of course).

Scene A (Adulthood)

So I get home with her after a really fun night. If you had asked me at the beginning of the night I could not have imagined the night ending like this. She was actually in my house of her own free will. I met her about 5 weeks ago and we had been seeing each other quite often. We had become quite good friends if you ask me. Of course applying the Hem-Line theory, I had gotten ready for a very long thing as the lady in question seemed to be a 3/4 Hem line. Well there were a couple of drinks involved, but we have drinks every now and then so it was quite normal. You can imagine my shock when one thing led to three things and the next thing #gbam na kiss o. Three things led to six things and the next thing top had gone off, things were getting deeper and as the last ounce of blood was leaving my brain and the final hook on her bra was coming off, the dreaded question came.

What do you really want from me?

At that moment, the little that was left of my mind went very far. The question took my mind to a totally different scene from my childhood.

Scene K (Kidulthood)

I remember that day perfectly well. I was 7years old, I was going to the park and I asked Nene my friend to go with me, she agreed, we went to the park, got ice cream and we started playing. After playing for like 7 minutes, she turned to me and innocently asked

Why did you bring me here J.D.

Imagine the nerve? I looked at her for 10 long minutes, then I turned around and went home. Annoying pissant!!!

Back to Scene A

Now no offence ladies, I respect your gender totally and I have very good friends from your very alien race but I am human, very human. If there was ever a phrase to capture that moment, it would be this WRONG TIMING Missy. You missed the many, oh so many seconds between when we we met and now, you missed the moment when you said you were going to come home with me, you even missed the point where top met the space above your head. How you expect me a grown man like me to sincerely, truthfully and sensibly answer that question with no blood in my head makes me wonder if you really did Biology in just your nursery school. Shame on you and shame on your biology teacher.

Sadly I had no answer for the lady in question but this “Huh“. I don’t need to tell you dear readers that na so my nookie where shirt commot for house.

In that spirit, I have decided to put together the best of the best of the questions women like to ask at the wrong time.

Did you use protection? That in the precious moment just after you finished having sex

Somethings never cease to amaze me. I have tried and tried to wrap my mind around this and I have failed over and over again. Please someone help me explain this. I am coming to a conclusion that women just enjoy torturing men and yes, women are from somewhere in outer space.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: I am innocent of any crime commited in or by this post

The Hem-line theory

I had an “Eureka moment” today in the shower, where something that totally doesn’t make sense kinda came together in all the wrong places. Usually I would wait till the thought leaks out but I have some sort of word power now, so I guess… Anyways this is how it goes…

Before I continue, I do have to define what my definition of a Hem-line is, “A Hem-line simply put is the distance between the bottom of a skirt and a ladies feet“. That is it, no time for Oxford, Longman or whatever other dictionaries are out there. Now the Hem-line theory states that

In an ideal world, where the grass is always green, the sun always shines and women all think and react alike, the average Hem-line* of a lady is inversely proportional to the time it takes to get beneath it.

Based on my ideal world let us scroll through the different case studies.

  • Study 1, Micro/Mini Hem-line: As the name implies, this goes way above the knees and right up to the thighs.  Micro/Mini SKirt It should be noted that the style and manner with which it is worn is not the point here, the distance to the feet and the amount of leg shown is. Verdict using the Hem Theory: little or no work, Timeline: 1 day to 2 weeks..
  • Study 2, Normal Hem-line: As the name implies this is the average Hem-Line for the average girl. It starts just above the knees and ends just below the knees. As stated above, the style and manner do not count, the distance is all there is to it. If you see a regular girl walking on the street, this is it for her, she has a Normal Hem-line. Verdict using the Hem Theory: some work required, Timeline: 3 weeks to 1 year.
  • Study 3, 3/4 Hem-line: Now at this point things start getting a bit difficult, principles come in, they are hard to get, more difficult to keep and are even more difficult to escape. Be warned, they look and act normal but are far from it. They will reason with you, dispute logic that works with the above Hem-lines and will usually see through an average guy’s lies. Verdict using the Hem Theory: long thing, but is usually worth the effort, Timeline: 6 months to 2 years.
  • Study 4, Any thing longer: Don’t even bother. The most action you will get from these areas are lips, neck if you are lucky and perhaps a little below if you propose, they are prepared for mental sieges, bare-faced lies and anything else the average guy can throw at them, prepare to propose or even marry if you want anything from here. Verdict using Hem Theory:not worth a picture, Timeline: LoL (and still laughing)

In the real world however this has nothing to do with actual Hem-lines and has everything to do with the way ladies think.  I would love to bore you with how this works but then I shall leave it for some other time. However I will say this, that for us men factors that do contribute to getting past them Hem-lines are largely within two very broad areas.

  1. Pride: For guys Oh yes pride, the very thing that makes a man manly in his ideal world. Verdict using Hem Theory: Lose that pride. Pride makes you rigid and you will need flexibility to get past them hem-lines. Pick your battles, know your strengths and use them very wisely. Know what Hem- line you are working against. If you exceed the timelines, you are either doing something wrong or you are quickly becoming a friend.
    For Ladies Oh ladies, yeah watch it, if the guy seems like a wonderful guy to hang out and be with, he probably isn’t (he is either a very good friend or he wants to get beneath your skirt). Verdict using Hem Theory: Know your Hem Line
  2. Integrity: Surprised, guys with integrity will refuse to lie even when Solomon would advise them to. I guess this also walks hand in hand with pride. This means that in very comfortable situations dependent on a simple lie to get things going on (e.g. how do you feel about me John Doe, do you really care about me John Doe), Mr. Integrity will stick to the truth. Verdict using Hem Theory: All Hem-lines become “a long thing” and you will end up getting nad
    Sadly ladies usually don’t get freaky/kinky with guys like this, they know they are doing something bad anyways and absolutely do not want to hear the truth while at it. Verdict using Hem Theory: KMT(hissing to myself)
  3. Other factors: Alcohol, straight-faced lying, white lies, manipulation, etc… Should be used sparingly and wisely, some of them don’t work more than once, so please make them count.

Now I must say, that it has been fun writing this, it made me laugh loads. Please apply sparingly, defend wisely and above all, please observe the definitions for the types of tales.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

* When I say average Hem-line, I mean the average Hem-line of the lady, if she only wears a mini when she is going to party or she is clubbing that doesn’t make the Hem-average a mini, it makes it much longer.

Disclaimer: I no dey o

 

Image Credit to Pretty Wonderful