Tag Archives: beau

A series of Unfortunate Events

In case you are wondering why I am starting this post with a half naked picture of a well known man, do not be worried. I am not gay, he is not pregnant and neither am I. That people is my resolution for 2012. Yes I said it. No more dulling or messing around, I need to burn the carbs, get some abs and muskles. I want to be able to take my shirt off and have it speak volumes. Yes I said it, after 3 years of thinking I want to be an African Beau Wonder with brains. Why the change of heart? Why not? I have two brothers from other mothers who have been attempting to kill me for the past couple of months. Yes I am reporting Senor Baroque and Blaq Bobby to you all. We are all involved in something called the #movement where they do pushups ranging from 250 to 300 and situps ranging from 100 to 200, the sad thing is, they expect me to be a part of it. Me? Kai!! Before I bore you with my physical constraints, I shall proceed with my post.

Now I must confess if all what is written below had happened in one day to just one person, I have to admit, that Aladdin’s genie would have a lot of work cut out for him (oh I forget, we are in Nigeria). Without further ado, make I proceed.

Event 1: The Sweaty Episode: If you have ever been in a car, driving or being driven and had a serious case of the runs, this is for you. Now this is the average scenario, you manage to get yourself into an eatery or you get home on time right after you break into a cold sweat. In the story you are about to read, this is not the case.

Imagine yourself as an omo boy, you jejely dey inside car dey relax, when you start feeling the heat of the runs. Now that is normal. Imagine that you are in a car driving at a 120km/h in the middle of nowhere when you hear In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins playing (don’t ask me why it just seems perfect for the scenario). Your tummy rumbles, and stops, no shakings make we dey go. Tummy rumbles and then stops (now playing Breathe and Stop by Qtip) and then starts and won’t stop. All of a sudden sweat starts breaking loose and running free and you know deep down in your heart that there is a problem. Did I forget to mention that there is this quite stunning beauty in the car with you have been trying to hit it with? SHIT (and I mean that literally)!!! If you were in that situation, what would you do? I would weigh the following options; the chances of meeting her again, the chances of actually getting something started and the chance that I would do a little doodle in the ride. Mathematical equation below

Chance of meeting her again: Close to zero

Chance of getting something started: Close to zero

Chance of starting something smelly: Close to 1

If that is the answer people I would face bush squarely…

Event 2: The Blackout: Now if you have ever blacked out before, then you may know exactly what I am talking about here. I must point out that a blackout as I mean it has no relation to a knock out or a pass out. They are totally different terms.

Anyways, I had the misfortunate fortune of going to a gym for a workout session. My first session in nearly 18months. No wahala there. Now I like to act like I am power mike in things like this, push my body to the limits and things. Na so I climb treadmill o. Instead of me to on the thing they waka dey go, na so I climb am on am put the thing on full speed and started running. 15mins later I got down, all the gym people where hailing me, I was feeling like a stud. There was a football match going on, sat down to watch it on a chair that gave crappy massages and I lost my sense of vision. I swear, PHCN took light in my brain and I was blind for like 5 mins. I freaked!!! As in I nearly ran mind numbingly mad. I was blind. Thoughts that ran through my mind included; who send me? How will I find my way home? Them don swear for me from village. CHINEKE!! Thinking about it now, I laugh but people, it was far from funny.

Event 3: The lift, the chick and the smell…: I remember that day like it was this morning.. It was very early in the morning and I was rushing out of my building because I was quite late. Ran to the lift and pressed the call button, as I was contemplating running down the stairs, the lift door opened and I saw this beautiful girl alone in the lift. I opened my mouth slightly, closed it firmly and entered the lift. And as I turned to say hi, I smelt it. My mind blew. The aroma that wafted up my nose was not gentle, it was not perfume. It smelled like a mixture of fart, onions, eggs and coke. I am a man, but there are some things I CANNOT take. Fine woman and gas is one of them. I came down on the next floor and took all 12 flights of stairs to the parking lot. I fit shout o, but I no ready die. If it was you, what would you do? Oh yeah, this is totally fictional. It did not happen or did it?

I have a new definition of disappointment today. It is watching a very boring film for 70mins on cable hoping to catch a glimpse of boobies with one or all of the following happening when the scene comes up

  • Light goes.
  • Light goes, comes back and then goes again
  • Light goes and the generator refuses to start or the security guard is sleeping.
  • All of the above happen only for the light to come back on and the cable station edits the scene because it is deemed inappropriate for viewers
That people is a series of unfortunate events.
Single Nigerian Man
Disclaimer: I am not to blame for the series of laughter this may cause.. Any attempt to link any of this to me will end up rather badly.
In other news, I am going to have a wish come true in less than a month. I am going on vacation.. Happiness 🙂
Now I am wondering if I should just start blogging on the regular, bi-weekly or tri-weekly.

African Beau Wonder

This cracked me up just a little bit when I thought of it. Yeah, that dude you saw laughing on the street at absolutely nothing at all? That was probably me. I have focused plenty on the sisters in my last couple of posts, I will return to them after this. Today I am bringing it home, to my brothers, the special ones out there, the ones who I have got so much love for.

Now I see them, the special ones, they look like models straight out of GQ, well dressed, tight haircuts, handsome faces (no I am not an extremely happy man) and bodies that make me look in the mirror and go green. They are all over the place, the ladies love them and I can’t fault that. If I was a woman, I would love them too.

Location: all over the UK

Time: Sometime within the last 4 years

I have been noticing, staring and observing these A.B.W’s and rather than beef from a distance I decided to walk up to one of them and ask, HOW ON EARTH DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT? I look like an athlete, like a female friend of mine said around that period, I look fit and all. Now I don’t know who she thought she was lying to, but I totally did not eat the banana..(Regardless of what anyone says, I do believe it is impossible to wash soap). I mean, I look in the mirror every now and then… Wait, back to the post.

So I walked to my special brother, this amazing specimen of dude and I as I hailed him, his respond (yes if he responded right now, I would be entirely right to leave that gbagaun there, I was that shocked) made me pause, rewind and replay his response over and over again… Now if I could break it down to you dear reader, I would say the following…

  1. If you speak with an accent and the accent is h-factor inclusive then it is suspect.
  2. If you speak with an accent and add nna men when you speak then it is suspect.
  3. If you speak with an accent and you did not have a basic primary or secondary education in that country, then your accent is suspect.
  4. All the above strictly apply to the English Language only.
  5. I understand that English people shell, but they shell like English people.. If you speak with an accent but shell like a Nigerian, I have no words for you

Now that is out of the way, not counting the number of gbagauns I heard, plus the fact that the conversation made no sense to me after 5 to 10minutes, I left my A.B.W. sorely disappointed. There I was looking to my special ones, my superhero, for the secret to getting the ladies around me, there I was again looking distraught. Now no offence to all my special brothers out there, but I love John Doe, when he isn’t in front of a mirror. I think I will stick with him. If it was between being a portrait and being a gorilla (no gorilla is too good for me). I choose gorilla. Gorilla sef dey marry.

Would you want to be or like to have an A.B.W.?


Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Please this has no reference to anyone around me, that I know of. Na just yarn I dey yarn.

Can someone please tell facebook to give me back my notes?

Image credit