Scarlett’s Diary: Wedding Blues, Woes and everything between

The last time I remember being an active participant at a wedding was at age 6, I was my 2nd cousin’s little bride. It was all smiles and people pinching my cheeks telling me how much prettier than the bride I looked.

That was 20-odd something years ago, this is now and story don change
So I recently (by recently I mean a year and some months ago)  attended another cousin’s wedding and he somehow cornered me into reading his intention letter in front of both families and guests at the Traditional Wedding (Like seriously an intention letter?)!!  I managed not to mess it up and assumed I was in the clear. I was wrong because I had at least 3 aunts and an Uncle on my case as to why I was over 25 and still single and unmarried.

The day of the White wedding came, I managed to evade 2 of my aunts and my uncle who all started the conversation with ..”Ah, so when are we coming for yours”. Unfortunately it was a wedding with no alcohol; no wine, no champagne, no hard liquor, just juice, water and Eva grape juice or is it wine Nigerians call it?…..(msschew!) . The things we do for family, include attending a wedding without booze and deep down I knew it was going to be a long day.

The devil’s chocolate cake for dessert could only do so much, so I got to the juice bar and the waiter made something colourful for me, Chapman he called it. Chapman without Campari is just juice and cucumbers to me… In my opinion.

The thought of that day still gives me the hibbie-gibbies. Anywho, on my way back to the high table,  Aunt number 3 cuts me off, commented on how pretty I looked (might I add, I looked HOT that day) and before I knew it she was saying things like ‘ reproductive peak’ and a woman shriveling up after age 30. I had the look of utter disbelief and shock, now I really wish I could be smoking what she was high on because I couldn’t deal. I tried to leave but the woman no gree oh she held on to my hand refusing to let go. I practically peeled her off my arm and dashed back to my seat and there I hid there till the Vote of Thanks…

I later found a bottle of vodka under the table (probably one of the groom’s men hid it). You know the rest.

So now, I avoid weddings because if you think these emotional land mines only happen at family meetings or occasions then, you are most definitely a learner.

Engaged, married friends and acquaintances have joined the ‘let’s-make-our-single-friends-feel -bad’ bandwagon, after all I am single by choice abi? As far as they know, I have turned down bridesmaid’s offers more times this year than I care to remember. Even friends’ of family I haven’t spoken to in ages want me as a bridesmaid. The hen night, the dresses, the shoes, accessories. Sheesh! I donate tonnes of money (that I don’t have BTW) to your martial bliss and all I get is “Don’t worry,your time will come”. Who said I am looking to get married now? And if I am, kindly leave that job to the relatives!!

Don’t get me started on the bouquet toss, that is now a compulsory subject! I mean the MC now makes the bride call out her single friends. Hian!! With Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies‘  always in the background!! Next time Beyonce comes on, I am out of that reception hall. Rubbish!
Even the garter tradition, has been almost phased out or was never a thing in Naija as far as I know.

So please, I beg you,if you feel sorry for me, please by all means get me a deluxe suite(complete with a mini bar) for the after wedding party, hook me up with a hot, interested groom’s man with sociopathic tendencies when it comes to sex. That will do just fine in comforting my ‘single, sad self’  and if he turns out to be THE ONE..JACKPOT!!
I guess Scarlet just won the Lottery.
xoxo

Scarlett

 

Image credit to Bonkersycrax 

7 thoughts on “Scarlett’s Diary: Wedding Blues, Woes and everything between”

  1. Haha! Can i just say, i loved the end? .. get me a suite, alcohol and a depraved man jor! stop feeling sorry for me.. i’m fine, i’m awesome!

  2. I imagine the married ones are in some mythical land of peace,unicorns and leprachauns……..mssschew! Oh pulease

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