Scarlet Diaries: The things I’ll never say

As I write this all I can think about is how much I hate this…
I hate this feeling
I know you get irritated when I get mushy but this is not a guilt trip.
This is the only way I can begin to explain my current state
I fucking miss you, it hurts.
Thinking about you makes me sad now,
My eyes glisten with unshed tears, there is a painful lump in my throat.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way,because I knew what this was,
Unfortunately, this is my greatest flaw, I care too much, I feel too deeply.
How did I get here?
How did I allow this happen?
I knew what I was getting myself into.
I just never expected this to happen or did I?
Or maybe I did, but I still hoped something more would happen
Because you seemed to truly care, you were different to me.
Did I really think this would end amicably?
Was I wrong, was it ever real? Was it an act? There was a connection right? Or was it all me?

I warned you, I begged you. You refused to listen.
You were nice to me, no one is ever that nice to me,but you were.
You listened, you gave advice, comfort… Your bed
But reality happened and I lost you.
Remember, when you wanted me and I said it was a bad idea?
Imagine how you felt then, amplify that. It’s really hard
I knew what this was, yet  I let go and fell face first into feelings
Now I am back to square one, except now the tables have turned.
I want you, but I can’t have you.

I really miss you;
The way you look at me like I am the only one in the room
I miss your touch and that expression you always got  marvelling at how soft I felt
I miss you whispering dirty things to me in public places, making me giggle
I miss you stealing, quiet slow kisses when we went to the movies or your awesome foot rubs during the movies
I loved hanging out and talking after a long day at work. your light kisses on my cheek/forehead, my neck…
Almost Like you were scared of my lips
I miss hearing your voice say ‘Hey, what’s up’, ‘You good?’ or even calling me your ‘person’
I believe you called me ‘your baby’ once

I need to get a grip
I need to wipe these memories
Too few of them, but they are buried deep in my head.
I can’t get them out. I tried but I need to mourn
You want me to forgive for how badly you ended things and move on cos our time is over.
That would be perfect wouldn’t it? For you.
The last thing we need is another bitter Ex-lover still carrying a torch.
But I don’t work that way.
I have a process.
I hold on to this grudge, cos that is my last shred of proof that You ever made an impact in my life
The moment I forgive you, you’ll be gone completely

I do not see a scenario where we can be  friends.
I had hoped to have you in my life a bit longer,
Who wouldn’t? You were this great guy…
But you made up your mind.
You spoke your words
‘Not gonna happen’ I believe were your words
I can never be your friend now, not because I am angry….its because
It WILL hurt me every time I see you or even remember our months together.
So I hold on to this grudge like a dying man’s last breath, because I am not ready to let go of you,
I need time to grieve this loss,because I lost a Friend the day I agreed to cross that line.



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