Parental Advice…

So after careful thinking, I came up with advice I would have loved to hear while growing up. Penned down for my kids (present and future)…

My daughter…

  1. Never ever sleep with any man or woman for money, however after you marry, your husband must give you gifts outside the bedroom and outside of special occasions. No, good sex is not a gift.
  2. If he must see your breasts or any part of your body, it absolutely has to cost him dearly… Love is priceless, sight of flesh isn’t. Make him pay
  3. It is very important that you keep your eyes open and your legs closed… Remember this at all times. No, surprises are not allowed.
  4. Men lie all the time, it is up to you to be loyal, but lie better. Remember this as sometimes you may have to lie for both of you.
  5. If he says he loves you, he doesn’t. If he says he loves you when you are on your period and he is a thousand miles away, then maybe he does. If he shows you he loves you when you are on your period and he is right beside you, please keep him. He is either very much in love or he is an excellent actor (money making potentials)

My son.

  1. If she is toying with you, forget about her and buy a new toy before she reaches your brains…
  2. If she let’s you sleep with her on the first week and you are silly enough to do it, please wear protection and make it sloppy. If it took you time and effort to get her in bed, then make sure she remembers you.
  3. Women are excellent liars and grudge keepers, make sure you don’t get caught in a lie.
  4. Always let the woman break up with you. Saves the time and energy you will need to do it yourself.
  5. If you want to surprise her just act stupid. They love things like that and will rub it in your face just for the hell of it. That is good news because it will distract them  from your real purpose.

Know your husband or wife early my children, the knowledge can help you focus. Above all else, guard your heart and mind… Else you will be used and dumped by all manner of people. Remember people may like used goods but no one likes used trash. So make yourself accessible to all but keep your heart sacred, to just one..

With love,

Your dad
Single Nigerian Man

Closing Doors…?

Now how on earth do I come about with such rubbish titles? I am sure you have no idea, cos neither do I. Now with that out of the way, let’s
moves on to my pondering of the day… To put you in perspective, to put you in the mood, to take you out of your mind and put you into this pot of stirring thoughts which I like to call my mind. Imagine a building with three and half floors (by three and half I mean a fourth floor which can only be accessed from the third). In case your mind isn’t there yet imagine a house as seen in the picture below.

Awesome house (wishful thinking)

Why house and why three and half floors? I now believe, rather strongly too if you ask me, that there are three and a half floors between the time you meet a woman and the time you marry her. I use the word floor rather than step because really there is a huge area to explore within
each level and you could either

  • Get lost on a level
  • Bail out on the woman (via a window or a window, walls are quite thick so they don’t count)
  • Move on to
    • Next level
    • Previous level

I had this as a rather short piece when it popped into my head but I see now I may have to treat each floor as a piece of a whole rather than the whole of a piece (No idea what that means). I have to say that in bailing out on a woman (through a window or a window), it is very important to note the area beneath the window you choose. I can’t begin to stress the importance because it decides how you end up in the future emotionally. Heartbreak, long periods of sadness and depression, STD’s (given, acquired or both), kid/kids (as the case may be) or happiness. Easy to see now that it is not as easy as I thought it would be (sigh). Anyways time to get you out of the stirring pot and back to the real world. Will hit you with the “First Floor” in my next post.

In other words…

Joined a gym today, maybe, just maybe, Jane Doe will get to notice me a little more. In a real need for a vacation at the moment, so many thoughts, blah blah blah, will take off for a week next week. It might do me some good.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Fever….

So here I am tonight, fretting, wondering and yeah, sweating. You see, ever since I moved into this new place, I can only get internet access from a particular part of the house. Guess what, the air conditioning packed up after week 1 and for some weird reason the guys who told me they were fixing it, fixed it in such a way that it can’t even come on again (In the words of Mojo Jojo, CURSES!!!). At least before it used to blow some form of air, now, NOTHING!!! Anyway, enough about problems that don’t matter, problems I can’t do anything about. Let me talk about something that I can do something about, which is write. You see, I have been nursing a fever for the last couple of days. When I say nursing however, I don’t mean treating it, I actually mean nursing the malaria to make it better (to let it blossom before I kill it dead) . All through this nursing period, I have wondered and wished I had Jane Doe here to nurse me while I nurse the malaria, so that we (me and the malaria) get better together. It got me thinking again (yes o, thinking once again), I have been relatively fine and happy with my “status” for a while, why wonder about Jane Doe now? This is what I came up with for future reference…

  • Hypothesis 1: Hunger(5 – 9pm): Ok, I just left work and really and truly, there is nothing at home to go to. The usual stuff exists, TV, game system and there are the friends. However the one thing that has been on my mind since 2pm is the one thing I do not have. Food!!! I am so hungry and as there is no soccer tonight, the quick fixes that usually sort me out are out of the question. So I pick up my phone and I call her. I need to know if:
    (1) She is free this evening and if I can come to visit (hopefully she will have food)  and
    (2) If she wants to come over to mine this evening so we can have dinner (of course she knows I can’t cook). Note the emphasis on evening? Oh yes, this call is solely for my stomach, woman be gone before Wee Willy Winky strikes (Are all the men in bed? Cos its past 10 ‘o’ clock)
  • Hypothesis 2: Company(9pm – 2am): Football has ended I am bored, its a thursday or friday night and I need to have some fun. There are some things that only a woman can provide without some form of alcohol involved (no, no naughtiness involved). Regardless of how close you are, there is something fishy about two single men (you and a man who is not your house mate) spending some hours of the night together. No one needs to tell you to place that call, usually a distress call too. If she is just as bored as you are even better. This brings me to the interesting call…
  • Hypothesis 3: Clears throat: If you have ever watched How I met Your Mother, there is this theory (which I totally agree with) that nothing holy, decent or clean ever happens between a man and a woman after 2am unless one is toasting and the other is agreeing or there is a night vigil going on (and you must admit, one single man and one single woman do not have a night vigil together, that is just plain dodgy). Now any single guy that calls a woman, single or not to come over after 11pm has nothing good planned out for her, unless like me, he has a fever. However if a single woman calls…
  • Hypothesis 4: Present status: Y’all don’t wanna talk or hear sick talk and I am in no mood to write about it, but yeah call placed because frankly, I need a nurse.
I believe single men and women are happy single regardless of all the noise they make (me included). I also believe men and women in a relationship are happy there regardless of all the noise they make. Reason? If I sincerely did not like my relationship, I would leave it, and if I really wanted to stop being single I would find someone, settle down and get her pregnant.
That aside I must admit that there are many things wrong in the world today, and nursing a fever alone is one of them, its 9pm, maybe I should make some calls, I should call Jane Doe it’s a Friday.
They say Gold Diggers are the ones who follow men/women(?) for their money, I say Gold Diggers only holla when they need something. QED
Disclaimer: I have a fever, anything I have said today cannot and should not be used against me 
Regards

The Hem-line theory

I had an “Eureka moment” today in the shower, where something that totally doesn’t make sense kinda came together in all the wrong places. Usually I would wait till the thought leaks out but I have some sort of word power now, so I guess… Anyways this is how it goes…

Before I continue, I do have to define what my definition of a Hem-line is, “A Hem-line simply put is the distance between the bottom of a skirt and a ladies feet“. That is it, no time for Oxford, Longman or whatever other dictionaries are out there. Now the Hem-line theory states that

In an ideal world, where the grass is always green, the sun always shines and women all think and react alike, the average Hem-line* of a lady is inversely proportional to the time it takes to get beneath it.

Based on my ideal world let us scroll through the different case studies.

  • Study 1, Micro/Mini Hem-line: As the name implies, this goes way above the knees and right up to the thighs.  Micro/Mini SKirt It should be noted that the style and manner with which it is worn is not the point here, the distance to the feet and the amount of leg shown is. Verdict using the Hem Theory: little or no work, Timeline: 1 day to 2 weeks..
  • Study 2, Normal Hem-line: As the name implies this is the average Hem-Line for the average girl. It starts just above the knees and ends just below the knees. As stated above, the style and manner do not count, the distance is all there is to it. If you see a regular girl walking on the street, this is it for her, she has a Normal Hem-line. Verdict using the Hem Theory: some work required, Timeline: 3 weeks to 1 year.
  • Study 3, 3/4 Hem-line: Now at this point things start getting a bit difficult, principles come in, they are hard to get, more difficult to keep and are even more difficult to escape. Be warned, they look and act normal but are far from it. They will reason with you, dispute logic that works with the above Hem-lines and will usually see through an average guy’s lies. Verdict using the Hem Theory: long thing, but is usually worth the effort, Timeline: 6 months to 2 years.
  • Study 4, Any thing longer: Don’t even bother. The most action you will get from these areas are lips, neck if you are lucky and perhaps a little below if you propose, they are prepared for mental sieges, bare-faced lies and anything else the average guy can throw at them, prepare to propose or even marry if you want anything from here. Verdict using Hem Theory:not worth a picture, Timeline: LoL (and still laughing)

In the real world however this has nothing to do with actual Hem-lines and has everything to do with the way ladies think.  I would love to bore you with how this works but then I shall leave it for some other time. However I will say this, that for us men factors that do contribute to getting past them Hem-lines are largely within two very broad areas.

  1. Pride: For guys Oh yes pride, the very thing that makes a man manly in his ideal world. Verdict using Hem Theory: Lose that pride. Pride makes you rigid and you will need flexibility to get past them hem-lines. Pick your battles, know your strengths and use them very wisely. Know what Hem- line you are working against. If you exceed the timelines, you are either doing something wrong or you are quickly becoming a friend.
    For Ladies Oh ladies, yeah watch it, if the guy seems like a wonderful guy to hang out and be with, he probably isn’t (he is either a very good friend or he wants to get beneath your skirt). Verdict using Hem Theory: Know your Hem Line
  2. Integrity: Surprised, guys with integrity will refuse to lie even when Solomon would advise them to. I guess this also walks hand in hand with pride. This means that in very comfortable situations dependent on a simple lie to get things going on (e.g. how do you feel about me John Doe, do you really care about me John Doe), Mr. Integrity will stick to the truth. Verdict using Hem Theory: All Hem-lines become “a long thing” and you will end up getting nad
    Sadly ladies usually don’t get freaky/kinky with guys like this, they know they are doing something bad anyways and absolutely do not want to hear the truth while at it. Verdict using Hem Theory: KMT(hissing to myself)
  3. Other factors: Alcohol, straight-faced lying, white lies, manipulation, etc… Should be used sparingly and wisely, some of them don’t work more than once, so please make them count.

Now I must say, that it has been fun writing this, it made me laugh loads. Please apply sparingly, defend wisely and above all, please observe the definitions for the types of tales.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

* When I say average Hem-line, I mean the average Hem-line of the lady, if she only wears a mini when she is going to party or she is clubbing that doesn’t make the Hem-average a mini, it makes it much longer.

Disclaimer: I no dey o

 

Image Credit to Pretty Wonderful

The Sandwich Effect

Before I go any further and bore/confuse you let me explain something for this blog, if you look to the left, you will something akin to Types of Tales. That simply put, categorizes from now on, any stories my brain and fingers conspire to bring forth. How does it work? Quite easy

  1. Random: These are quite random thoughts my brain brings out that I do remember to write
  2. Tales: These are stories that may or may not be true, depending on how you the reader decide to finish it up (in your head of course)
  3. Tall tales: Most definitely bollocks, just things I think of as a single man to make me happy, e.g. Halle Berry is the woman next door
  4. Yarns: Space for sale, for anybody and everybody

Now that that has been put outside, I can comfortably sit down and let loose.

Ok, where was I? Yes, the sandwich effect. Now the question is what on earth am I talking about and how on earth did I come about such a theory? I have no idea, its just the way my mind works. As a man, I do some pretty stupid things at some really quiet moments (I absolutely mess up even when there is no opportunity to do so) and I know quite a number of ladies would wonder, what on earth is he thinking? Now before I start explaining or confusing as the case may be, take a look at the picture below…

Yummy Sandwich

As a guy, I have a picture of a woman in my head (lets say Halle), I know what she looks like, I have an idea of what she talks like, I have an idea about her attitude and the various things that make up his woman as a whole. That is my Sandwich (no offense ladies, just flow with me). Now we all know that the ingredients largely make up sandwich, but the Chef, oh, the Chef brings it all together. However, we also know that guys in general make the best cooks, but guys also generally don’t know how to cook (oh yes, I put two contradicting statements in one sentence, forgive me).  Now the funny thing is this, the average guy is not capable of having his mental sandwich (funny but true), so rather than go to market to search for the ingredients to make his sandwich (which he can’t because he is a bad Chef) or going to a shop to buy his desired sandwich (which he can’t because he can’t afford it). He picks you, yes you. You are either the lettuce, the tomato, the egg, the sliced bread, or the MEAT. Oh yeah, the lettuce makes him feel good about himself, the tomato looks so fresh, the egg is a lot of fun, the sliced bread helps him out with business and things and the MEAT (its in capitals so its the big one), the meat is so hot, it’s unbelievable. Sometimes you might be sour, a bit loud, grumpy, run his stomach or quite frankly, make him sick. He doesn’t mind too much and if he begins to mind, he moves on to some other fresher piece and as long as he is with you, he manages to make you a part of that sandwich or the sandwich itself…

That dear readers, is the Sandwich Effect/Theory or whatever name I might think of in the future. I hope no one is offended by this, I hope no breakups will be caused by this, this is entirely a random tale.

Regards

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Please, this is a random Tale. Thank you