John Charity

Oh yes, a new movie, coming to stores near you. Dear Jeff, please meet me for more information.

They say charity begins at home, what they don’t say is where it ends up. Right now, I wonder why. Due to my nice nature, I am put in rather uncomfortable situations a lot of times. End up doing stuff for people I don’t like, go out of my way to help people who really can help themselves and the most annoying part… people get upset with me when I bluntly tell them to piss off…

Scene A, Girl A

Its 12am in the morning, right about that time where nothing good actually starts to happen. Rather than making attempts to get some, I am lying next to her wondering how on earth I managed to get myself in this mess (AGAIN!?!).

I like to twist normal everyday words, add some innuendo, shake it up a bit and then spill. It does get me into trouble a lot, but then I manage to blag my way out of it. Tonight the phrase that comes to my mind is “between a rock and a hard place”. Oh yes, that phrase, a point in time when like me you are lying next to a girl who isn’t date-able or sex-able… and who is madly attracted to you (thought it only happened in movies).

How did I get here? Ehmm!!! It started with me doing a favor for someone, continued with me trying to be nice and ended up with me in a highly uncomfortable situation (make I no too talk story). Now I am here and all efforts to jumpstart my engines have proved abortive (decipher as you please). So I sleep rather soundly too for the first time in a long time and promise myself not to do this again (just like I promised myself the last time)

Scene B, Girl B

What do you do when you have been looking forward to an event for so long and then the day finally arrives and the high point of the event gets cancelled? I have been preparing for a night out today, or a night in today with her. We were to either go dancing or just chill and watch movies, “all night” (which is the key word). I can see some people shaking their heads, but no, that is all that was planned.

It had been in the works for ages and ages… It was all ok at first, and then this week came and she refused to confirm now the day comes and she says oh no we can’t have a night out or a night in, we can only have an evening… She goes on to talk about some problems she be facing. I look at my phone and then calmly and quietly say ok in it. I shall see you later.

I am sitting now writing this post, with every intention of eating sweet potatoes and fish tonight, alone with my movies and my drinks. It can only be better than having an increasingly irritating night, listening to stuff you really are not interested in. Lessons from Scene A, are having a rather large impact on my thinking process. Once bitten, twice shy they say, I say learn from the previous man’s bite or else, learn from your narrow escape.

Scene C (For future reference)

This is how it plays out in my head, every single time

Girl: hey
Me: hey dear…
Girl: are you busy?
Me: not really…
Girl: please I need your help
Me: sorry I can’t help you.
Girl: but you don’t know what I want to ask for?
Me: true, but you only buzz me when you want something.
Girl: well its a 2 way thing its not like you buzz me or talk to me…
Me: yeah I know so let’s keep it as a 2 way thing. I don’t buzz you when I need something, kindly do the same.

In summary my dear sweet female/male friend, kindly piss off

Yeah I know, some people like to tell themselves how important they are by the number of times they get asked for help. I totally agree, but then Charity is a name formed as a means of giving to people in need, not people who just want something just for the heck of it, people well capable of getting it themselves but who just can’t be bothered. I believe in the whole D.I.D. (damsel in distress) thing. But you can’t be Beyonce yesterday singing “Single Ladies”, be Margaret Thatcher tomorrow speaking “equality”, then remember me today just because you feel just a lil bit vulnerable. I refuse from today. My middle name is not charity. I hope it stays that way

Picture of the day

If you ask me, this is the dumbest piece of self inspiration I have heard in a while. I am single and I am miserable and every other single person I know, feels the same way. Seems motivation nowadays means lying to yourself repeatedly till you start to believe it.

 

Foolish talk of the day

Can’t remember if I read it or someone said it to me, but then for the guys who tell the girls that they only want to put the tip in, what on earth is that? For the ladies that do agree (oh yes I know those were our teen days), do you understand that the tip is right about the only part of a man’s penis that can’t get you pregnant? Oh you know that already? Foolish child!!

Next Research

Word on the streets is that prayer does make things happen. Letting it slip that you had a vision about the lady you marry being from a particular tribe will make things happen (thanks for that info by the way, you know yourself). I fully intend to look into that.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: I am beginning to realise that people may read this blog and think there is something seriously wrong with me. Don’t worry, I think so too, its alright for you to tell me. For the people that actually do know me, it wasn’t me that wrote it o!!!

Dear Jane Doe, where are you?

I am now Royally Pissed!!!

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