Had this at the tip of my fingers for a while now. Ennui: he one word that captures the feeling I have had growing in my chest this past week. Disenchantment, dissatisfaction with the state and stage of my life. So many things I want to do that I can’t, so few things I really want to do that I am actually doing.
As a kid, I was quite gifted, played the keyboard at my church (yeah the main church) at the age of 9, learned the rhythm guitar, the bass, the recorder, the drums, the harmonica and even knew how to sing. I had the artistic streak, was the best student at Technical drawing, knew the basics of how to take off and land a plane, all this before the age of 17. I had life at the tip of my hands, I could have been anything I wanted to be. How did I lose all that?
Growing up I had the wonderful ability to shield my feelings, keep up the blank facade, the strong silent type, like the cowboys of years gone by. Clint Eastwood, Steven Seagal, the guys who didn’t need to speak much but who you knew could get the job done. Met people who confessed to me that they didn’t think I could speak or smile. Now I am just a bubbling mix of emotions, emotions I can only keep back with an effort. How did I lose that strength? Do I need to mention that the Nigeria I grew up in, is no more? We never thought it would affect us, shielded within the homes of our parents, we are past that now, the problems in the country glare at us daily and all we can do is glare back, keep quiet and pray (for those who still do)
Time flies, things change. Met a woman that changed my life, brought out the writer in me. Have a kid, two degrees and a couple of certifications. A brain I hardly use, words I barely say and underneath it all, a growing feeling that there is more to this life than I am getting.
So now I have a son I barely see, a woman I constantly dream about and a daughter I dare not have. I am an emotional wreck, lost my musical talent, slowly losing my ability to write, I have a job I would have jumped at 6 months ago with bosses that slowly wreck it. I have lost my faith in religion and so find it hard to go to church, however I find it hard to hold on with just my prayers and daily devotionals. I need fellowship but too many falsehoods around, methinks I am one of them. Ennui, a word so strange with a meaning so familiar… growing steadily, daily. How did I get here?
I would go to church, but last week they spoke about tithes, this week is thanksgiving, two weeks ago it was about giving to build the house of God and I wonder, how many houses will my God stay in, when there are supposedly 150million hearts in this country. I understand omniscience but then if every church in Nigeria wants to build Solomon’s house, who will feed the poor, the broken in spirit? In all this, not once do I hear a sermon for the weary heart. For that, we are to remember that salvation is a personal race. Building God’s house is a collective issue though.
We choose to lock our feelings in and lock people out when we could share, not share to the oversabi’s who always have theories and no solutions, the ones who would rather fling mantras at us than offer their shoulders. I know your type, but rather than tell you how I truly feel, I murmur my thanks and walk far from you, I appreciate your efforts but it is not what I need at the moment. I want Jane Doe, I want a baby girl, I want a high paying job, I want my boy. I want to write a lot, most of all I want to feel like I belong somewhere.
Single Nigerian Man
Dear Jane Doe, if you see this, I am fine.
MsLuffa this does not qualify for a crisis session 🙂
Yes I am saying it, you have probably thought it… I AM BORED!!!