Con Artist


I feel rather fraudulent being here. This slot is meant for a “single Nigerian girl”, yet I contradict the definition of every word in that phrase.

The single part feels false because, no, I am not “tearing up” clubs on the arm of numerous interchangeable toasters. The Nigerian part because, no, I have never pounded yam before, nor am I fluent in any Nigerian language. Finally, we get to the crux of the matter.

Why I Am Not a Real Girl

= I do not wear make up… makeup??? How is it spelled? :-s I quite simply have no interest in it on myself, maybe I’m just lazy.

= I don’t make small talk. This is a statement and a warning to all.

= I do not wear heels. No, they are not for me. Perhaps in a fit of boredom, I may steal a pair to take pictures in, but that’s it.

= I am never as well put-together as real girls; my hair out of place or generally just too casual-looking.

= My girlfriends once joked that, knowing me, I would probably get married in jeans and slippers if I could get  away with it. For some reason, they looked horrified when I said, “Why not? There’s always white jeans.”

= When it comes to guys, I am not at all lady-like. If I like you, I see nothing wrong in walking up to you and saying hi. I have a long list of good friends, stalkers and pests to prove this.

= I travel light. Unlike many girls I know who look like greedy pirates making off with precious booty (all for a two-week trip), two medium-sized bags are more than enough for me.

= Handbags are sooo not my thing. I lug them around when I must, but that’s it. We are not friends.

= When it comes to anger, I do not explode on the spot, hair, nails and breakable objects flying. I walk away and then, when you least expect, sit you down and calmly inquire as to what exactly drove you to piss me off.

= Finally, when a guy presents a cut finger to a real girl, she will fawn over him, soothing and massaging, crooning on about his strength and bravery, all the while feeding his eyes with acres of cleavage. I, however, will probably ask how it happened, poke gingerly at it, lean back and say, “You’re a big boy, don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”

All these concrete reasons notwithstanding, Single Nigerian Man has decreed me worthy of the title of Single Nigerian Girl, so here I am. His majesty has spoken.

16 thoughts on “Con Artist”

  1. Two medium bags for three months? I’m just assuming you mix&match with the best of ’em. I recently took a carryon and a hand bag for a four day trip and another girl checked a luggage. (I don’t get it)

    -Lack of Uber stereotypical girliness just makes you unstereotypical.

  2. No makeup? I can definitely relate with that! Travelling light is a function of being organised, nothing to do with gender and throwing things is gangstar not ladylike. Looking forward to reading about the things Mr Single Nigerian lets you ‘meddle’ into on his page.

    1. Hmm…one wonders; are men more organized? Because virtually all the girls I know do not pack light. Yeah, I’m also curious as to just how many buttons he’ll let me push…:-)

  3. handbags and high heels – a necessary evil for most women. I have to say i fail seriously when it comes to packing light. Sometimes I have to stop myself from packing extra clothes on a trip to the supermarket, i’m always thinking just in case – what if my son throws up on me, i may need to change my top or something… two medium sized bags – you try. I’ve discovered though that the heels have beena waste of money for me – they’re just sitting there looking pretty, boots and sensible wedges make up for the discomfort of stilletos for me.

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