Category Archives: Theories

Very random and not so awesome theories on relationships. Read at your own risk

Gender Theorems

To all guys, especially Bee.
Yes, I want to be chased in a particular way. But no, I will not tell you how. How weird would that be??! It would be like me toasting myself; all I’d have to do is give you the script to read from and point out where to stand.
I have allowed (yes, allowed) you to get as close to me as possible without actual surgery. That is enough for you. You have to figure me out well enough to know what I want to hear, when I need to hear it and how you should say it.
You see, guys claim that the problem with women is that we talk too much without actually communicating. Let me you guys the expo.
All that random gist we fill your ears with? No, that’s not just because we can’t shut up or are eager to entertain you. That gist, young man, forms our lecture notes and you would do well to remember every word.
You see, women are a naturally nurturing breed of organisms. We believe in giving second chances. That’s why we talk about ourselves and our lives, giving you little clues to our personalities and what makes us tick. We are gently preparing you for the tests ahead.
Oh yeah, there will be tests. You have no reason to fail because we have equipped you with all the info you need.
Moral of the story; Listen when your woman talks!
The answers to the comprehension questions are ALWAYS in the passage!
On a slightly related note, the one thing I can’t stand is the transfer of blame thing that guys do. Feeling over sharp guy with himself, a guy will refuse to man up and admit to his guilt. Instead, he will go off about how it’s really the woman’s fault for ignoring/ overcrowding him/ loving him knowing “how he is”/ not being there/ expecting too much from him, etc, ad nauseum.
While I’m not lambasting the entire male race, I know that many of them do this; I have watched friends suffer under such conditions. I hate this behaviour. It is unfair to women as women and as human beings.
The moral of this story? Guys, when caught with your pants down, don’t go on about how the nice lady crouched in front of you was only trying to sew on a loose button. Let those cojones drop for the right reason.
Never, ever, lay blame for your crime elsewhere. Admit that you have made an ass of yourself, apologize (and mean it), then BEG.
P.S. I will say “guys”, and “MAN”, maybe even “boys”. However, using the word “men” makes me feel old and pervy, so I will use it sparingly.
Disclaimer(per His Majesty’s request): Any aggression in this post is meant in the most loving of ways.:-)

The Relationship Contract…

I have been quiet for a while, except for that rant I posted on Ennui which has been quickly taken down. It’s Wednesday, 4pm and I am bored stiff. Finally decided to put this up. Its something that has been on my mind for a while and meeting a friend of mine on Monday finally gave me the 3rd ball neccessary to put it up (no having just 2 ain’t enough sometimes). Before I proceed, let me get some definitions out of the way…

The Relationship Cycle: This can be defined as the time it takes for a single Nigerian to get into a relationship and get single again. Without beating any bushes, let me define in some detail. This is somehow related to the series I never started, found here.

First Phase – The Hook Up: We just met and we are getting to decide if we can do one of the following; date, sleep with each other or be friends. Whichever one it is, deciding leads you straight to the second step. That is unless there is typeographical error somewhere in which case the cycle ends… Immediately.

Second Phase – The Honeymoon: Having decided what we want to be, we just can’t get enough of each other. We go everywhere together, kiss a lot and hold hands (if we are dating) or loads of nookie (if we decide to sleep with each other as well). Deciding to enter the relationship leads you to the third phase. This ends if one of the following happens.. The babe chop your money finish, the babe meets another guy, the babe sleeps with another guy.. Guys no dey hear word, even if they are seeing, sleeping or meeting other girls they will still want you.. SMH!!!

Third Phase – The Relationship: This is usually the maker or the breaker. It is the point where guy and girl come out in the open and start meeting friends and minor relations. They start fighting, kissing less, sexing less and actually start doing what they should have continued from the first phase, talking to each other again. Usually, the wahala(problems) the other person carries is more than can be handled and the second person bolts. Other times, they both reach a compromise. In mathematical terms, see below

Quality of sex is directly proportional (or more) to the amount of wahala received or (The amount of good times/the amount of bad times) > 1 = Good signs. Anything less na problem o, for both parties

After all has been said and done, depending on what the couple decides, they decide to move on to the next stage…

Fourth Phase – The Engagement: This is the point when they decide to marry… I shall stop here for now because I truly cannot talk about what I haven’t experienced. Honorary mentions to Marriage, Honeymoon and yet another Relationship till death/divorce do you part.

Having said and done all of the above, if I was to get into the relationship cycle again, here are some laid down rules I would want to get established.

  1. I am a guy, regardless of what you think or what you want, I will remain a guy and think like one. Do not be offended if I want to act like a guy when you want me to do your chick things with you. I will take you shopping, take you to make your hair, but I will not sit with you through it all, unless there is sex involved at the end of it. Meaning? I have to be a husband, fiancée or a one weekend stand.
  2. If you know you have no plans whatsoever, I mean NO PLANS, of getting married to me and you are just here for the kicks and fun, please make plans for lots of nookie, or else kindly move on and don’t waste my time. Thank you
  3. If you kiss me any time after 9pm during the week and it involves tongue, God will punish you if you let it stop there. Same swearing from 9pm on Friday till 10pm on Saturday. Sunday is Holy, lets keep it that way.
  4. I like food, I like to cook, don’t abuse that. My mama, God bless her soul, imbibed those skills as a backup plan on the days the wife goes funny. Note the key word wife.
  5. I agree fights have to happen, but after the first 4 fights please lets establish a pattern. We fight, you bone after 4 days of begging please forgive me. All you have to do to make me forgive you is take off your top and bra. I am easy like that.
  6. If I propose to you and you say no, knowing fully well how I feel, there is no problem. However if you decide to still hang around me.. There is a saying where I am from and it quietly relates to pregnancy. Be warned!! However if I do tell you I do not want to marry you and you still hang around, be ready for loads of dodgery* from me (did I just form a new word? *shrugs). Is this one sided? Sorry, I will reduce the print.
Having said all this, kindly sign
Thank you.
Single Nigerian Man
My heart is broken, I did not create the word dodgery, it already exists.
In other news, I have a crush, totally seperate and different from Jane Doe. Totally seperate from my blogwife Kiah too. Everyone meet Miz her twivatar is calling my eyes mehn!!! No I am not a…, what’s the word for internet ashewo again?
Disclaimer: I was under the influence, please forgive me. Faced a minor difficulty above; I know of “problems are” but “wahala are” just sounds weird
Dear Wonuola, the diclaimer is for you.
OMG, I am still staring #nowcrying
Now running home.
Yeah you got it right, I have almost found my muse again *sticking tongue out* at Kiah

Burning rubber: The condom trialogue…

Nonsense mode activated, celibacy mode on, foolishness in full swing and here I go…

Its another weekend gone, the last weekend in the third quarter and looking back at all the months, what have I achieved? Partial madness I would say, though even that is gradually dissipating. Unlike in 2008/2009/2010 where I could have pointed out different things I had achieved, this year I have nothing to show. Maybe that is as a result of working for the Nigerian government *shrugs*.

Its 12pm and I am already done with work, direct cause of Decided to use this extra time to do a totally useless post. I have heard of “the vagina monologues” and God knows there are a lot of men who only think with their penises (is that the plural?), so I can honestly say that both parties are covered. However there is a 3rd party (the kid) which people rarely talk about and a 4th party which no one ever talks about. Today dear 4th Party, it is your turn.

Now if Forbes were to do an analysis on the most bought item on the planet, what would you think it would be? Bought in terms of the numbers. I think a condom is bought almost every minute on the planet. Yeah I know they come in packs of 3, 2, 6 and above but if you take the average rate, I think it makes it at least 1 every minute. Scary thoughts. Googling condom analysis brings up topics ranging from; what the pope said to latex vs non latex, self efficacy studies (whatever the heck that means) and some other boring topics that sincerely and frankly make me want to sleep.

Firstly I would like to blame you Mr. Condom for the increased sexual activity now trending all over the world. Before it became normal to walk into a “grocery” store and buy a condom men and women worldwide were scared of “unwanted” pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and the likes. The condom took all that away.

Its not ok to blame the product without screaming at the creators. Although condoms have been in use for ages, the past 60 years has seen an increase in knowledge of existence and its usage. Thanks to television, magazines and the internet. Condoms are now available to people of all ages and classes *sigh*

Gone are the days when one would feel shy about going to buy condoms. Gone are the days where abstinence was the best protection. Gone are the days when people refused to understand why anyone would want to have more than one partner, gone are the days when being a virgin was a thing of pride.Did I say this was going to be a rubbish post? I lied. I remember when zip up was the thing in the late 90s abi early 2000 (can’t remember). Teens all over the country used to sing it with pride “zip zip zip up“, I remember that vividly. That was then. That was before Durex, RoughRiders and all the flavours, ribbed very thin and all. Just like the company Apple after the creation of the Ipod, Condoms exploded in this country.

Now I might be old fashioned but do you see anything wrong with this picture?  I do, now before today I thought this made sense, but really, can you tell your little daughter to practise safe sex? Really? How safe is sex of any form? Knowing the physical, emotional and other implications?

How about this picture? We all believe our kids should have phones, right now I have a phone in my bag for him and I am having serious thoughts about it.

Now why am I going on and on about it? It comes down to the title of this post, “Burning rubber”, for the sake of the future generation who to me are running along the border of internet insanity, adding sex to the mix is one sure fire way to disaster. Burn them rubbers people, preach abstinence.


Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Boredom.

Here’s a list of 10 interesting facts about condoms that you might not know, from Canada.

1. On average, condoms hold about 4 quarts of liquid. That’s about 16 cups or 1 gallon of liquid or 3.8 litres. That’s larger than most Milk Bottles!

2. Most modern-day condoms (over 90%) are made of latex, the rest from polyurethane or lamb intestines.

3. Ancient Egyptians reportedly used condoms as early as 1350 BC. These were reportedly made from animal bladders or intestines.

4. Over the years, a variety of materials have been used as Condoms. Among the materials were linen, sheep, lamb and goat intestines; fish skin, silk and thin leather.

5. Only Latex Condoms can stop the transmission of HIV. Tests have shown that Polyurethane and lamb condoms do not stop the transmission of the virus.

6. Oils and most lotions will cause latex to breakdown. As such, only use water or silicone based lubricants when using latex condoms.

7. Using 2 or more condoms at the same time is more dangerous than using 1. The friction between the two can cause tearing and ripping.

8. Exposure to heat or sunlight or by age can weaken and harden the condoms, causing them to be fragile and tear during use. Always keep them in a cool and dry location.

9. During World War II, condoms were used to cover rifle barrels from being damaged by salt water as the soldiers swam to shore.

10. Condoms have been sold in vending machines since 1928.

As always, remember that using a Condom is the safest and most reliable method of stopping the transmission of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). However, it’s always better to use 2 forms of contraceptives if possible to stop undesirable pregnancies.

Now why have sex at all? Why not preach abstinence? SMH

I think I am ready for a Jane Doe post now

Myths, Lies and False things…

It has been a while since I put anything up, weird as it may sound to some people, I have been busy, very busy.
The reason for my busyness is the first myth that needs to be dispelled right now.

Myth 1 – Government workers don’t do any work: Says who? Says the people that don’t work for the government. I slaved for 6 straight hours on Friday. I have been working non-stop for a while now and its going to continue for a while longer. I thought working for the government involved Facebook, late start times and early closing times. Myth totally busted.

Myth 2 – Road travel in Nigeria is cheaper than air travel: Men, that one sef na lie o. I made the mistake of travelling by road a week ago. Abuja to Lagos; Air(27k), Road(3.5k). If you do happen to go by road though there are some more values to add which I state below:
Time to recover (1week plus)
Hospital bills (5k on average)
Myth busted.

Myth 3 – Air hostesses are hot: As a young boy growing up, air hostesses were classed in the same league as the baywatch hotties. I am grown up and I have flown in various airlines and realised that it is a big lie at least in Nigeria. I have seen fat, spotted, pimpled, God’s own creations and the occasional beauty with plenty attitude. Aero and Arik are the biggest culprits. I no blame them sha, I blame Zenith and GTB. Myth busted.

Myth 4 – Youth service is a sure sex avenue: I heard this in the run up to my 3weeks in camp. I reached camp expectant and was sorely disappointed. All stories of nookie all over the place were lies. Myth also busted.

Took a trip to my village this weekend. A proper village people. My grandma’s burial. The last grandmother I have. Mixed feelings, but I guess its one thing we can be happy about. I am in my village and I can blog… Awesome

Thanks Msluffa, OhJ, and my dearest Kiah. It has indeed been a while.

Single Nigerian Man

Saw my grandad cry today. He is 84 and for some reason that touched me more than anything else that happened to me today. Married for 60years and it just ends… Puts some things in perspective.

Disclaimer: once again this was done with my phone so I don’t know how it will look. No spell checks either.

With prayer and some trembling I shall press post.

Done in 60minutes

I had to scrounge around for a bit upstairs to get a title for this post. Threw a few around and ended up with what you see above.

We have all heard about the don’ts of relationships for guys. Don’t do this and don’t do that. What girls hate guys doing, blah blah blah.. Decided to do it from a different perspective today.. Mine!! Here they are in no particular order with something similar to an explanation alongside. They are the things I check out for when I first meet any girl and the points I deduct from the 100points I start out with.

  1. Feet -25points: I have always had this weird fascination for feet, it tells me a lot about a girl. How she cares for her body, her hygiene, her background, her home and how much effort she put into looking good before meeting me. Now how on earth can I get all that from looking at her feet? Lol.. Dirty feet tells me a lot, you walk around without slippers in a not so clean house, or you don’t wash your feet when you bathe (and other places too), you don’t pay attention to details, etc. If you want to know waddup with a girl, rather than spend hours conversing with the girl, check the heels of her feet. Honorary mentions go to squished up toes (from tight shoes), nasty toes, big feet (no offence) and fat feet (no offence my sister has these). All honorary mentions are in no way related to dirty feet. I just like them slender and clean so I can massage them without cringing in my mind.
  2. The Phone Calls -10points: So we planned to see today and you just can’t stop picking your phone to chat with different people. Oh before I forgot we were just meeting to have dinner and you spent 40-70% of the time talking in your native language. Yes, yes, I am beefing, I speak only English, but beef aside I do think its quite rude because you are actually conversing with them rather than having a conversation with me (no ladies, I have not had the opportunity to bore you yet). I am an understanding guy however so that’s just 10points.
  3. Nollywood -17points: You watch Nollywood movies (all of them) and are quite abreast with situations happening in that forest. You know what goes on in movies and you know what goes on outside of them. As if that is not enough you think it is ok to attempt to educate me on the goings-ons in that place. To top it up, you don’t read books, novels, but you also watch Bollywood movies (-20 extra points). No beef ladies, but I believe anyone who follows Nollywood movies thinks the following; a) my mother is evil and my stepmother is even worse b) There is a high possibility I will play her jibiti c) I am going to make an attempt to see her knickers just because I took her out to dinner. The list is plenty and is quite tiring, carry your wahala and go jare.
  4. You look at me suspiciously when I try to pay for the dinner -12points: Yes this is a no-no for me. I wouldn’t go out on a date with you if I didn’t want to pay for it. At least that’s what gentlemen did back in the day. If I wanted to sleep with you, I would take you to dinner after, not before, cos last time I checked no one liked having sex on a full stomach (it is uncomfortable). Thanks to Margaret Thatcher and Beyonce however, I will forgive you.
  5. Miss Bossy and Miss Touchy -40points: Oh yes you keep touching me to make a point. Touching I said not caressing or rubbing me in a quite sexy way. Babe please, that stuff freaks me out. I can hear and understand English. Sign language doesn’t require touching just in case the first two fail. And we just met, why are you trying to change plans without my consent.
  6. Holy Martha -35points: Yes I do understand your need to preach the gospel. I do understand the need to convert me before I start attempting to “cop a feel“. I do understand that you think I am going to try and take you home after dinner. However, you had the opportunity to preach to me when we were chatting and while we were scheduling the date. I do not understand why it has to be now I am trying to get some calories in my system you decide to open your mouth. There is a time for everything
  7. You are not Jane Doe -75points: I don’t even need to explain this. My heart only has one space for one.

So there they are, my top 6 don’ts. If 2 or more happen, the chances that you will see me again are rather slim and close to zero. If all of them happen chances are you owe me some points. Some guys might overlook some of these things if the babe fine well well and she get better ikebe. Not me!! Enough of the babe bashing, time to woo my Blog Wife.


Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: If you think this is directed at you, then it probably is. If you think it makes sense, I know it doesn’t. For all the people who have tried hooking me up to someone and failed, this is why. If you think this is a disclaimer, it isn’t.

Dear Blog Wife, where on earth are you?

Search for Single Nigerian Babe continues

QOD: If lesbians claim to be truly lesbians, why on earth do they need dildo’s? Just asking.

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