Category Archives: Theories

Very random and not so awesome theories on relationships. Read at your own risk

Scarlet Writes: Come and Chill Theorem

So I was reading a book this afternoon titled; ‘The 2nd Book of General Ignorance‘. It’s basically facts, events and stuff you think you know but are actually wrong.
And for some reason this got me thinking about Men and their ways with women folk and this came to mind

……………………………………………………………………………………

The ‘come and chill girl‘ Vs. The ‘let’s go on a date girl
At what point in a man’s mind those he categorize a girl into one of the two categories. Why I ask this? Simple. I am a victim of the lesser attractive category!! Lemme explain
  1. I love to chill, I am probably the chillest girl, you’ll ever meet and I also know a lot of chill women, that are now forced to act a certain way, because words like ‘Ladylike’ and socially (un)acceptable start popping up!! And the most annoying ‘Dress how you want to be addressed’ blah blah blahh.
  2. I LOVE Video games! Playstation, Xbox, etc.
  3. I love to sit back with junk food and watch  movies ALL DAY ,I wouldn’t even mind indulging in some mild psychedlics while watching a movie or even making one… *Wink wink*
    Or if you like,I cld just sit down with a bottle of coke and have a conversation.

I am mellow like that! I can be indoors for a month and not go out…
THIS IS A PROBLEM…..do u know why?

A lot of guys, Pick up on this, the moment they meet me and now almost every guy wants a girl(me) to come and chill! And no it’s NEVER the kind of chill you have in mind. It really grinds my gears,when I meet a guy I actually have a connection  and the next thing he says after some hrs of mind simulating conversation is; ‘Come to my house’
Urrggh! What happened to wooing? You know the good old days..
MEN ARE EITHER GETTING LAZY OR JUST MEAN!
I also like to go out,to the mall, go to the beach, go to a sports bar and watch soccer..its fun!

What happened to taking a girl out, just because u like her, none of that pretentious ish because you want to get into her pants… I am not talking chinese, sharwama, asun, pizza or LOUD irritating music and spending hard earned naira on clubbing.. I am talking blowing a girl’s mind and that’s not just the sexual aspect, I mean taking her to see the Premiere of Man of Steel, because you know she loves movies, buying her the limited edition of something she’ll appreciate, having an author sign her favorite novel.
I know a lot of women, that behave a certain way all because they don’t want to be ‘Come and chill’ zoned.

What is the ‘come and chill’ zone?
NEED YOU ASK?
Men are scared of meeting ‘chop clean mouth girls’ and I get that.. Totally. But before you decide to ‘come and chill’ zone a girl, know her well. The fact she is all calm doesn’t mean you can’t just surprise her or don’t you want to be seen with her in public? She can’t be that ugly naa, something drew you to her at first and we both know it wasn’t just ‘junior’. Lol
The ironic thing is y’all meet the chop and clean mouth girls and make her a ‘go out on a date’ girl.’Wife material’ sef. Then meet the chill mellow girls and just zone them, all because she seemed easy or rather she made things easy for you. It that fair???
Or the worst you don’t even look at the come and chill girl’s way, then later when you are stuck with ur ‘chop and clean mouth girl’, you are wishing she was chill and mellow. And you start complaining!!! MEN…and WOMEN! It’s almost like when women friend zone nice guys and chase after standard bastards.
This life is just a steaming pile of rotten beans!Self-Sabotage is almost second nature at this point.. It’s like we set ourselves up to fail, then start whining! I hate when I meet a guy and he says ‘Ah! You are the girl of my dreams, you love movies, games and even watch soccer, you don’t have a problem with my drinking and smoking.. Then I start feeling all kinds of awesome. Then you see the girl he is attracted to and she is so High maintenance, you wonder if she takes a dump!
So this is probably the shortest thing I have ever ranted about…so Men!
What’s the deal?! Cos I honestly cant be what I am not cause I want you to treat me differently.So what do you think?xx
Scarlet 

Image credit to Date a white guy and MadameNoire

To set or not to set P

Hello, Scarlet here. How have you crazy kids been doing? ‘Miss me’? I missed you all 🙂
Had a crazy couple of weeks, but I am back now. And while I was away, I have been thinking a lot about our ‘p-choices’/’friends with benefits or whatever colorful names there are out there.

Being a single person has its highs, lows and rock bottoms. And contrary to popular belief, choosing to remain single isn’t always a choice thing. To each his own, abi?
Oh well, here are a set of rules I try to live by. These are my own rules, y’all are entitled to yours but like I said to each his own. However please read, contribute as best as you can, your comments are very much appreciated.
*aherm*
So so so… If you are a single person, and you are either getting it on a regular maybe you are in a close proximity P zone and you do not have high demanding job then you are the lucky one. (#np Youth- Daughter)
The rest of those who are having trouble maybe because ‘the land is dry’, or your p is far, he lives in Festac and you live in Ajah 5th roundabout, (Lagos and their endless LGAs. And lekki roundabouts? Even Epe,Eleko and that Sango place after VGC claims Lagos , I am tired!) I also feel sorry for you,it happens long distance p-setting can be so irritating. Why even bother? However any more talk on Lagos P-setting can and will not be done today. Ok ok, so I believe every single, ‘blood-dey-hot’ person must know this;

Rule #1 P is P!: Lemme explain…..it doesn’t matter how many times you get the P! Hell! The less the better, that leaves you craving more P. So it’s good, delaying gratification makes the experience that much intense than getting it on a regular. There is also the Law of Diminishing returns (for the ones that can relate). So even if you get it everyday, or once a month.. P is P, It’s all in your mind and your raging ‘whoremoans’ LOL. Try not to attach too much to it.

Rule #2: Some Ps are greater than others! Imagine,like 5 guys or girls are on your case,if you can juggle….I say go for it. You are an adult. Just remember to take the necessary steps. Protection is paramount, whether it’s your heart you are protecting or your ‘uglies’. Dexterity is a skill some lack(e.g. Me) so I like to make a scale of preference in a notepad (more economics) YES! I do that…bite me. So if that works for you, please, don’t be shy, get a note book, (speaking to the ladies now) write down names, likes, dislikes, hygiene; does he smell like sex or food? Or does he just smell? Does he chew with his mouth open? Is he certifiable (by that I mean are is he in need of psychiatric help)? Does he have a funny name that u can’t imagining screaming during *clears throat*(Names can be a deal breakers) I know its p, but once in awhile, you get to see them eat, shower and even cry (don’t ask) and in some rarest of cases meet a family member.
Arrange them in any order you like. Me, I want an orderly,organised life, sex inclusive, so I like to know where my problem is coming from. Some Ps are greater than others, the sooner you learn this the better. So you aren’t lying down there chanting ‘WTHell was I thinking, wthell was I thinking’ while he jack-rabbits his way to the end.

Rule #3: Not everyone deserves your P! This goes for both men and women! I know being single is HARD and like I said b4 bodi dey hot… Ladies,you know when you have had a long day and you just want to go home and have your feet rubbed or soak in a tub for two, or just cuddle? Oh men stop scoffing, I know there are days you want to go home and it feels like you stepped into a cliché Nollywood scene. Woman at the door to take off your jacket and help with your bag and shoes. Hot meal on the table with a cold beverage, a hot bath and maybe sex? But you settle for leftover refrigerated noodles (for those who don’t cook), a quick cold shower, too ease of the day’s stress and a boner, that personal assistant gave you cos of her ridiculously tight, short gown which of course you are probably too tired to tend to. It sucks (pun intended)
I know I digress and it’s sha difficult, but please please please. Your P is special, not everyone deserves it and this doesn’t in any way conflict with rule #1. Rule #1 talks about duration.

RULE #4 P-setting isn’t for everyone: P-setting is a contract,a mutual ‘psychic’ arrangement between two consenting adults to have sex with as little emotion as possible ( I say psychic because most times you are expected to just understand your F-buddy and not to ask too many questions or expect too much). A friend of mine told me something ‘If she can give her body,she can give her heart’ And I said ‘y’all must think women are mashed ripe plantain in human form. I have met STRONG women that DON’T CARE whether you call or text…Life goes on, you aren’t feeding them. And I know CLINGY, whiny men, so its an individual thing. If its too hot, get out of the kitchen!
I.E. if setting- P isn’t not your thing, don’t do it.

WARNING!!! DO NOT FALL for a P! Because you have been P-Zoned, you aren’t the custodian of the mumu button. In fact, chances are you’ll never find it, so just keep it fun and physical. So on that note, I bid you farewell. I hope I have been able to help, in your quest for ‘love, sex and others…*aherm* Jara ‘ things in this ever competitive world…. E no easy oh! Have a fun hump day

*wink*

xoxo

Scarlet

The Scarlet Diaries: Battle of the Sexes

This is one battle that will never be won, too much fraternizing with the ‘enemy’ (by enemy I mean the opposite sex; by fraternize I mean sex)
As a woman, I’ll write from MY views…
So I was at the salon the other day and I overhead some girls ‘gisting‘, even in hush tones I knew it was interesting gist so I listened.

  • Girl A : Men eh!!! Na wah oh, so he just started behaving like nothing happened after how amazing the sex was?
  • Girl B : Yes oh. Whenever I called him, he would answer sounding all business like, nonchalant or he is driving or in a meeting.
  • Girl A: sorry dear, I know you liked this one, at least you got yours *giggles* Na wah Men are so annoying.
  • Girl B: I swear I am not even bothered; I am so done with him and Men in general!

At this point I almost chipped in ‘Honey, not by a long shot’ which would have been rewarded with a shitstorm of insults or even a slap, so I scoffed LOUDLY and returned to the Nollywood I was watching.
Let’s be honest, the truth now; lie it down on the table or floor, or bed, or even nail it against a wall … Sorry. The truth is, if amazing sex guy calls girl b, she’ll go see him, like sheep to slaughter, like the proverbial moth to a flame…. You know why? Good sex

Good sex is unbelievably Hard… Difficult  to find and she(Girl B) is probably thinking of all the deeply sick things, non-chalant/amazing sex guy did to her and she is thinking of getting some more of that drug.

*np Pusher Love Girl -Justin Timberlake*

She’ll probably not say this to her friend and her friend might be in this EXACT situation…lol
WOMEN!!!
Then imagine if it was mind-altering sex…Ah! You know that kind that returns your brain to the original factory setting and you forget how to form words.
That kind of sex that turns you to a heap of Flesh, bone and sweat. I call this particular ‘drug’ LSD (the ick is silent of course)
What is LSD?
*gasps*
You can’t tell me, you’ve never had LSDICK! That’s the ish (I’ll get back to this)
So where was I?
Oh yeah.. the Battle of the Sexes

So even if by some miracle, men and women form same sex alliance to take down the other side… I am so sneaking off to go fraternize with the enemy. Women reading this, stop rumpling face jo! You know I speak the truth.
We have partially won all the other wars; Females go to school, vote, females are leading nations
But the day a woman won’t be judged for having a voracious sexual appetite will NEVER come. The Feminine Version for the word ‘Stud’ is Ho, it’s unfortunate but true, so instead of all this ‘battle of the sexes’ let’s ease off all that stress with good ol’ sex. Life is already too serious as it is. Pretense and Prudence won’t get you some, so please fraternize as much as possible. Those memories will keep you company when you are old and grey.

As for my Darling Men, I love you guys, but you are a serious thorn in my flesh and a Pain in my behind *pun unintended or intended if you are into that sort of thing*
You know why? Subtlety isn’t in your dictionary, of all the things that I know that upsets women, it’s that feeling of being used and discarded, not saying I don’t like being used.. Lol! Just don’t toss me. Maybe because as a man you lack this inherent ability, and we were probably too busy ripping off each other’s clothes to discuss, the ‘benefits’ of our agreement.. Still… Don’t run….

Let me let u in on a secret, it’s easier than you think. I am assuming Girl B is above consenting age, so all I want to say is… ‘Wean’.
Withdrawal syndrome is the reason some women get all psycho-bitch and crazy, Wean her of LSD don’t cut her off like a diseased part of fruit.. That shit isn’t cool. If the sex was good then it can’t be so horrible to give her a taste a few more times. Oh wait, you tell her you have a girlfriend and don’t want to hurt either one of them, it was a mistake, blah blah blah, no one slips and falls into a vagina..

or do they?
or do they?

Nope, it is a conscious effort to cheat (if that is in fact the truth). I think that Men have run out of reasons to dump a woman, but let me just say it is cruel to just stop answering her calls or replying her messages.. Wean her off you, if you were meeting every day, change it to 3 times a week, then once week, if you reduce the attention you are giving her, she will look for attention elsewhere and in time… Of course there is a risk that she’s fall deeper and deeper in love with you, the neglect might be a turn on for  some (Awesome Turn-on for most..LOL, but then that’s the small fine print)
Oh wait, I have another solution, I know men like to be all macho and be the best in the sack but maybe just maybe start doing rubbish.. Oh shit, women talk… she’ll spoil your market. Na wah oh there really is no middle ground with this.. At the end of the day, the truth is, our heads turn to mush when it comes to the opposite sex, there really isn’t one way to deal with everyone. Maybe in his mind being distant is a good way to go, cruel as it is. It works. Weeks will pass by and the girl will forget that amazing sex from LSD and move on….(This story is far from over)
I have digressed so much I have forgotten what I was talking about… Oh yeah! Fraternizing oh so sweetly with the other side..Going Rouge! Switching sides and positions… Ok,  I am done

Men! Women!ENJOY!! The little pleasures of life
If he/she becomes distant,move on! There should be some other dude out there willing to slip and fall into some naughtiness *wink* wink*
Have an awesome hump day(Wednesday)
Xxx


Scarlet

Blinking

Johnny Bravo
How you doin’?

Prologue:

I have always been known to speak very seriously about absolutely unserious issues. This, sadly, is one of such instances. Try not to fall asleep halfway through the first few lines sha.

I recently came up with a mini-theory concerning the rituals involved in selecting a prospective mate and making your intentions known or letting the other person know that advances are welcome. I call it… wait for it! Blinking.

Oh. Right.

That’s already the title.

On a totally unrelated note, why does this girl wear a wristband with her name on it??? Does she sometimes forget what she’s called and look to her wrist for expo? Or is it in case she gets lost? Hmmm…

Anyway, I call it blinking. We all know that green means go and orange means get ready, abi? Ok, what of a get-ready-even-thoughI’m-trying-to-be-ladylike/gentlemanly type of situation? My dears, it follows that in that kind of situation, the orange light is not properly switched on, but blinks on and off at intervals under the guise of friendliness, courtesy and common interest.

Hmm. Big grammar. Lemme explain a bit. Blinking may sometimes take these forms;

Looking intently and with intent:

This is the most commonly/frequently used ploy. It could be initiated by either party and is usually done for quite a while until a positive response (e.g. coy smiling) is elicited.

Eye/Sign Language:

This follows repeated intent “lookage”. At this point, they are both comfortable with the looks and smiles and want to push things up a notch. So they inject winking, suggestive glances, raised eyebrows, blowing kisses and mouthing messages to each other into their little routine.

Small Talk:

Yes, when he/she schleps 50km across the room to ask you the time (even though there are three wall clocks in perfect working order prominently displayed around), stop and ponder, dear child.

Hmm, let’s stop there since there’s no real script beyond that point; the storyline of life remains constant, only the details and personal choices differ.

Whatever happens beyond small talk is dependent on a lot of factors like their geographic proximity, what each of them is really after and whether their egos can stand compromise. It could also boil down to a gross lack of chemistry or the astute, unforgivable daftness of one of the two.

Over the past few weeks, I have sat quietly, observing all the above (and much more, some kinda disgusting), smiling knowingly to myself the whole time.

Yes, I am very wise, children. Hopefully my wisdomosity transcends the deeply unserious and thoroughly unusable… We’ll see 🙂

PS:

Happy Holidays! My heart bleeds for the unspeakable acts of violence plaguing my country at this time. May the souls of all the good people lost rest in peace. Amen.

 

image credit

The Good Guys

For many who have read my articles and poems, it must seem like I do a lot of guy-bashing, abi? Well, my life with boys has not been all bad. I’ve met some really sweet, caring and romantic organisms with good qualities I could list from here to China… Lemme give you a quick summary.

The Really Sweet One

Lots of roses; so many , I had to give some away, love letters (yes, way back when), sweet smiles, my first kiss…

Teddy

My first taste of strawberries and cream, texting sweet nothings even when we were in the same room, always whispering compliments in my ear, meaningful hand-squeezes and secret smiles (we were disgusting with our PDAs), little gifts, making me feel GORGEOUS with the almost non-stop pictures. Sigh…

The Suitor

Caring, totally honest, eyes filled with puppy-love, frequent calls “just to see how I’m doing”. You meet this guy and instantly know he’s going to be reliable and consistent.

I know you guys like gist, but let’s stop there.

My point is, I have frolicked (!) with the good guys as well as the… let’s just say, not so pleasant ones. I do know that good guys still exist, they are out there walking amongst us like normal people.

Yes, I said it. Men are not all dogs. Some of them can be quite sweet and cuddly and cute (*batting eyelids*).

Sadly, though, I do not have a good track record with the above-mentioned lovely creatures. I tend to fall more heavily for the ones I have to work for just a lil’ bit; they pique my interest. Sorry, Good Guys, I truly am!

 

P.S. Single Nigerian Man has you all brainwashed, abi. So no one thought to even ask of me. No sweat. I’m off to have a good cry in a dark corner.

P.P.S. Abeg, all these guys in my life, don’t remember to revenge o! Think only Christian thoughts of forgiveness and peace towards me:-)