Now first of all (not introduction), that very day(Valentine’s Day if you did not get the memo) is now 10 days away. This means we have 10 days of (for us single or near single people) walking around with our eyes, ears and lips closed. Praying earnestly for the 15th of February to come because it means that once again we can have relative peace. People will be talking about their partners, their spouses and what they intend to do for them. On that very day I can see myself sitting down quietly at my desk working, while the colleagues, will be opening packages received and planning sweaty, romantic nights and weekends. We all know the drill. 9 months from now there will be a plethora of babies and it will be another year gone by without my dreams of Lil’ Miss Sunshine coming to fruition. Continue reading Being a Gentleman
I have been quiet for a while, except for that rant I posted on Ennui which has been quickly taken down. It’s Wednesday, 4pm and I am bored stiff. Finally decided to put this up. Its something that has been on my mind for a while and meeting a friend of mine on Monday finally gave me the 3rd ball neccessary to put it up (no having just 2 ain’t enough sometimes). Before I proceed, let me get some definitions out of the way…
The Relationship Cycle: This can be defined as the time it takes for a single Nigerian to get into a relationship and get single again. Without beating any bushes, let me define in some detail. This is somehow related to the series I never started, found here.
First Phase – The Hook Up: We just met and we are getting to decide if we can do one of the following; date, sleep with each other or be friends. Whichever one it is, deciding leads you straight to the second step. That is unless there is typeographical error somewhere in which case the cycle ends… Immediately.
Second Phase – The Honeymoon: Having decided what we want to be, we just can’t get enough of each other. We go everywhere together, kiss a lot and hold hands (if we are dating) or loads of nookie (if we decide to sleep with each other as well). Deciding to enter the relationship leads you to the third phase. This ends if one of the following happens.. The babe chop your money finish, the babe meets another guy, the babe sleeps with another guy.. Guys no dey hear word, even if they are seeing, sleeping or meeting other girls they will still want you.. SMH!!!
Third Phase – The Relationship: This is usually the maker or the breaker. It is the point where guy and girl come out in the open and start meeting friends and minor relations. They start fighting, kissing less, sexing less and actually start doing what they should have continued from the first phase, talking to each other again. Usually, the wahala(problems) the other person carries is more than can be handled and the second person bolts. Other times, they both reach a compromise. In mathematical terms, see below
Quality of sex is directly proportional (or more) to the amount of wahala received or (The amount of good times/the amount of bad times) > 1 = Good signs. Anything less na problem o, for both parties
After all has been said and done, depending on what the couple decides, they decide to move on to the next stage…
Fourth Phase – The Engagement: This is the point when they decide to marry… I shall stop here for now because I truly cannot talk about what I haven’t experienced. Honorary mentions to Marriage, Honeymoon and yet another Relationship till death/divorce do you part.
Having said and done all of the above, if I was to get into the relationship cycle again, here are some laid down rules I would want to get established.
- I am a guy, regardless of what you think or what you want, I will remain a guy and think like one. Do not be offended if I want to act like a guy when you want me to do your chick things with you. I will take you shopping, take you to make your hair, but I will not sit with you through it all, unless there is sex involved at the end of it. Meaning? I have to be a husband, fiancée or a one weekend stand.
- If you know you have no plans whatsoever, I mean NO PLANS, of getting married to me and you are just here for the kicks and fun, please make plans for lots of nookie, or else kindly move on and don’t waste my time. Thank you
- If you kiss me any time after 9pm during the week and it involves tongue, God will punish you if you let it stop there. Same swearing from 9pm on Friday till 10pm on Saturday. Sunday is Holy, lets keep it that way.
- I like food, I like to cook, don’t abuse that. My mama, God bless her soul, imbibed those skills as a backup plan on the days the wife goes funny. Note the key word wife.
- I agree fights have to happen, but after the first 4 fights please lets establish a pattern. We fight, you bone after 4 days of begging please forgive me. All you have to do to make me forgive you is take off your top and bra. I am easy like that.
- If I propose to you and you say no, knowing fully well how I feel, there is no problem. However if you decide to still hang around me.. There is a saying where I am from and it quietly relates to pregnancy. Be warned!! However if I do tell you I do not want to marry you and you still hang around, be ready for loads of dodgery* from me (did I just form a new word? *shrugs). Is this one sided? Sorry, I will reduce the print.
So here I am again, about to write something serious. I can already feel my head twitching from the load I am about to drop on this page. Its Thursday, half the population in the office have already gone home i.e. half of the half left in the office from the Sallah trips. For once, the internet is fast enough to actually get some work done. I feel my presence reducing on the blogosphere, I don’t visit half the blogs I used to and the remaining half I visit i don’t visit half as much as I want to (ok that was me trying to be Bilbo). Had this thought last night, partially inspired by MsLuffa’s post on Ineligible Bachelors. It goes like so..
It is so very easy to focus on the prize of achievement and miss the goal, aim and focus of achieving
What on earth am I talking about? We want so many things in life, good jobs, flashy cars, beautiful spouses in their own rights, it is possible to focus on just those things for all our life and never get them. It is also possible to have our minds so fixed on them prices that we fail to appreciate not the amount of work but the type of work we would have to put in to get there.
- Good Degrees Yes we all go to schools with our parents drumming it into our heads how we need to get that paper. How many of us actually have some idea in our head of what we can give to society after? Thought that was the whole idea of school in the first place? Raising kids that can be of benefit to their immediate society? So we go to school and the good ones among us spend four years so focused on getting that paper that they miss out totally on the social aspect of school. They come out with good degrees but have no idea of how to relate with people. Others spend four years cramming pages upon pages and come out of school with no idea of how to apply it. As for the people that sorted and cheated, God help us all. We miss the goal, aim and focus of that achievement which is being of benefit to the society as a whole.
- Marriage: It finally dawns on you that you are old enough to get a mate (your words not mine) and after searching and probing, and sharing your love seed with quite a
number of people, you find one. You do the motions and get married. Yes you got your
priceprize but then you forget one thing, marriage is not about the prize/wife. It involves being a husband and a father, things that some people are just not equipped for. What happens, they run out to start the prize hunting all over again. One chick there, another there, why? Prize will always be at home. Like Shaggy said “Whatever is good for the mistress is also good for the wife, else another man will come give it to her“. It does work both ways though and here is something I wrote a while back. This seems a good time to share it
Some marry beautiful women, others have good wives. You can go anywhere with a beautiful woman, however she cannot handle a home. A wife is a centrepiece, everything revolves around her
Maybe if we focus on the aim and goal of the achievement there would be less divorces. Maybe if we focused on making a home, so many homes wouldn’t be broken.
- Salvation: Yeah we all want to go to heaven, I mean I want to too but then it amazes me how many people want to be the only ones there. You get so focused on the
priceprize of heaven that you fail to remember that someone led you down the road to salvation so that you can lead the many who are still as foolish as you were to God as well. No need to talk too much here. You know yourselves. You don’t mingle with sinners, you have no time for backsliders, as for the people that try to drag you back you cut them off without the slightest hesitation and leave them to perish in their iniquity. Abeg biko na oyibo man risk malaria and plenty plenty things to come preach the good news for Africa biko. Spare your black brothers. Heaven no be for only you biko, at least carry person gum body.
My head is banging right now, Banging like mad. Will now go on a commercial break to resume this post later.
So off with the commercials and on with the post.
Just realized that there is a big difference between prize and price. One being like an end result and the other being the work done to get it. I am getting old sha, I actually left it as price initially. SMH!!!
The weekend is almost here… Wish you all a wonderful one
Single Nigerian Man
Disclaimer: You know the feeling you get when you write something and have no idea what you wrote? Having it right now.
About Jane Doe: She is my personal terrorist, a look, slight voice change and I break out in a sweat, I swear.
Now before I say anything else I just have to say this. HP you guys are criminals.
Yes I said it. if a HP representative ever reads this post, NOTE THIS. If you sell HP laptops or you are affiliated with them in any way, by friendship, marriage or you have a HP child please tell them. I see no reason why I will buy a HP laptop from a legitimate HP sauce (no pun intended) and have HP send me a message saying I should buy another charger because my charger is not efficient enough. SHUO!!! In fact you people deserve a HI-five in the face for that. Nonsense!
Thank you for attending my anger management nonsense for today. That will be all.
Now for the post…
A wise man once told me..
What you see isn’t always what you get, sometimes it is more, most times less
How I wish that story were true, it crawled into my mind sometime between 12 and 1am last night. All the wise men I know want me to get a life, like I don’t know that already. Funny how wise men package information you already know into a very palatable form and feed it to you (but I digress) all in a bid to make it make sense. Anyways, enough with the randoms and on with the post…
Now if you have read any of my posts, you will get to understand that really, there is something wrong somewhere with me. My post titles usually have little or nothing to do with the actual content of my post. Reason? I think in a very different language from what I speak or write so blame it on “interference”. That aside let me share my new word of the week/month
Typeographic Error: taɪpəˈɡræfɪk ˈerə(r)/ : this occurs when one tries to match a person to a mental impression or image of their desired mate.
I have been called many names in my short life but weird happens to be the most frequent.
Why? The main issues seems to be my inability to act in ways people want me to. By people I really mean women. We start out all well and good but along the way I begin to act weird, really weird according to some people. Although they may have a point, I have an excuse to back it up.
- Most times it is because I am not just that into them. Yeah, from the beginning no matter how hard I try to mix and match we just don’t blend.
- the other times it is because along the way, I get a typeographic error when I try to load them in my memory. Yeah we start out all well and good and then along the way things just start turning weird.
Now you will ask, why can’t I just be friends with you? Answer: It is a well-known fact that anyone (male or female) will ditch everyone if they meet a potential mate. It is also a well-known fact that thanks to Eve, Cleopatra, Jezebel and Margaret Thatcher, every woman wants to be treated like a princess by every man she meets. Now I have no problems with that, yes I can treat you like a princess. However if I am dead sure I am neither your prince or your frog-in-waiting, I log out. Yes I might mess around sometimes with no intentions of being serious, but most times I am very serious up till I get an error. Call it an excuse if you want, it is the truth, at least I won’t lie an act the part till I get some, I just log out (now this applies to potential friends and potential mates).
While that may seem weird or odd, there are people I see as friends that I am really sweet to (no strings attached), all they need do is call or buzz and I am there in an instant. There are people I see as family that don’t even have to call. But then if you are not my wife to be or my daughter and you are not in any of the previously stated categories (friend or family; yes they know themselves), then prepare for some extreme weirdness from me.
Oh yes the weirdness is caused by the constant buzzing in my head due to the incessant error messages I get. It’s not your fault, it is mine.
Rather Random: There is a movie called “He is not just (thanks dbrizio) that into you”. I wonder if they will ever make a movie with my blog title as the name (no not a Nollywood movie, Jeff Amata, take note!!!)
Single Nigerian Man
Disclaimer: I do not require psychiatric help. Thank you. No dbrizio I most definitely don’t.
Having made amends to this post to at least make sense to other eyes than mine. I will rest my hands.
Editor needed please