Category Archives: Featured

Posts of the week

The Scarlet Diaries: Diplomatic Bedding

Don’t let the title fool you, I am in no way getting into the politics of this country,I’ll need more than just one post, every other day of the week.
Today I am talking about diplomacy in the Bedroom. What to say,what not to say and OMG! You said what?! Where do we draw the line?
Personally, I am a firm believer of action and saying what needs to be said, its better to say too much, than never having to say what you need to say. Sorry Mr. Mayer couldn’t resist..
[quote style=”boxed”]And my opinion is, If the sex is shit….. SPEAK UP! TALK IT! SAY IT! (Don’t oh!)[/quote]
Keep reading I’ll get there….

“Performance is Key,Size is an Illusion.” Quote me anywhere.

Do you know how many people walking around feeling like Kratos and Aphrodite?
They think they fell from Mount Olympus all because of being tactful, diplomatic?
‘Don’t say anything, you’ll bruise his ego or shrivel it’
‘She’ll scratch out your eyes, curse your generation’
E dey pain, I know, but there are ways these problems can be solved. Don’t go about cursing people oh, and say Scarlet sent you…LOL!
Think about it
‘Were those moans real’?
‘Were his grunts out of frustration cos you lay down there like a log of wood’?
One minute men KNOW! So do soggy noodles women…. I am sorry.
Wouldn’t you want to know how good you are in the sack? I would!!! If there was a Shag-o-meter I’ll probably have several.
That’s the performance part

Now the size part, this is tricky and another ball game. (Pun)
Because minus going under the knife, there is really no other way to enhance parts. We are all wonderfully and beautifully made.
So picture this, he is behind doing his thing and keeps trying to jiggle her behind. Dude! It won’t jiggle, she has a small behind!
The constant insults A-cups receive, it’s not their fault naaa..
Or imagine he drops trouser and u don’t know whether to ( -̩̩̩͡˛ -̩̩̩͡ ), pet it, giggle or beg to just cuddle.
Let’s face it, you have to know when you aren’t errrrm… Huge? Male or Female
And if you do,you better have skills, and if its too errrm big, there are ways around it #punveryintended
When people say
‘I don’t watch porn, it’s immoral, it’s funny, it’s not a turn on; blah blah blah but you are sexually active..See MUMU!!!
Yes I said it!
For those who do, google ‘Asa Akira’ she is the best thing from Japan since samurai…and hentai.
*aherm*
Anyways, I read Cosmopolitan like a maniac, because what is worth doing is worth doing well….YES? Hell Yes! 50 shades of Grey might be smut! But we all learnt a thing or too after reading it (for those who did).
Because there is nothing worst than after being plummed for hours, he falls asleep and you are lying there feeling cheated and frustrated. Or she has the body of Serena Williams, twerks like a video vixen and in the sack, you might as well inflate a doll and cuddle. Marriages and relationships have ended because of bad coitus, it is a BIG deal, sha I blame it on the previous people they’ve been with #justsaying

Finally….
Life compensates,if you aren’t well-endowed,make up for it in mad skills and techniques. If you are well packaged male or female, doesn’t mean because you have the parts you won’t prove your ‘selling point‘. Some men think cause they are hung, they don’t need skills…… errrr WRONG! Same with women with racks the size of Russia and booty for miles.
Lady/Gentleman in the streets,Freak in the sheets…
Bentley and Danfo, dey go mechanic for ‘engine-tuning’
If you are of consenting age,sexually active or hyperactive
Remember this
Performance is Key, Size is an illusion’
Porn(movies,books etc) isn’t perverse, Kama sutra  isn’t unnecessary
Cosmopolitan( magazines not cocktail) isn’t trash, No Knowledge is wasted

Thank me later

Scarlet

sex-etiquette

Image credit to QueerIV and What She Said Boston

Parental Advice Pt. 2

My very first attempt at blogging from my phone. I have said a quick prayer and I sincerely hope it comes out well.

  1. My son: If you must take self defence classes, don’t do it for you, do it for your future family. Your wife and your kids.
  2. My children: Sex is good yes, that’s what music, movies and commercials preach. What they don’t say is that it is even better when learned and done with a spouse. Believe me, been there.
  3. My children: Now the in thing as a teenager and a university student is to look hot, go to parties and do all sorts of crazy stuff. Be yourself, it will be hard I know but the more successful people are the ones who can pull that off.
  4. My children: Don’t worry if he or she is more popular now because they can drink, smoke or they sleep around. 5 to 15 years from now when everyone wants to get married, its you they will come to not them. Save your sweetness till then. The rest of them will be yoghurt.
  5. My children: Oh yes, if you ever disrespect your mother for no just cause, I might commit murder, she might be many different things to you but she will always be my queen.
  6. My daughter: To all the men who say they want to marry you and say they want to test the goods first, quietly say this.
    I am talking and laughing with you, I am capable of eating your money, I have breasts and look like a woman, wetin you want again? Any trader will tell you this, to test with your own equipment, you have to pay for it and take it home. Na only software dey come with 30day trial. I am very sure your mother did not give birth to programs

Regards,
Single Nigerian Man

Question of the week.
I understand how make up works… Ladies turn beautiful with several dabs.. Please biko, if babe dey only fine for night, wetin she be?

Disclaimer
Abeg na phone I use o, all word people should jump and pass.

With a quick word of prayer, I shall now press post…

The Hem-line theory

I had an “Eureka moment” today in the shower, where something that totally doesn’t make sense kinda came together in all the wrong places. Usually I would wait till the thought leaks out but I have some sort of word power now, so I guess… Anyways this is how it goes…

Before I continue, I do have to define what my definition of a Hem-line is, “A Hem-line simply put is the distance between the bottom of a skirt and a ladies feet“. That is it, no time for Oxford, Longman or whatever other dictionaries are out there. Now the Hem-line theory states that

In an ideal world, where the grass is always green, the sun always shines and women all think and react alike, the average Hem-line* of a lady is inversely proportional to the time it takes to get beneath it.

Based on my ideal world let us scroll through the different case studies.

  • Study 1, Micro/Mini Hem-line: As the name implies, this goes way above the knees and right up to the thighs.  Micro/Mini SKirt It should be noted that the style and manner with which it is worn is not the point here, the distance to the feet and the amount of leg shown is. Verdict using the Hem Theory: little or no work, Timeline: 1 day to 2 weeks..
  • Study 2, Normal Hem-line: As the name implies this is the average Hem-Line for the average girl. It starts just above the knees and ends just below the knees. As stated above, the style and manner do not count, the distance is all there is to it. If you see a regular girl walking on the street, this is it for her, she has a Normal Hem-line. Verdict using the Hem Theory: some work required, Timeline: 3 weeks to 1 year.
  • Study 3, 3/4 Hem-line: Now at this point things start getting a bit difficult, principles come in, they are hard to get, more difficult to keep and are even more difficult to escape. Be warned, they look and act normal but are far from it. They will reason with you, dispute logic that works with the above Hem-lines and will usually see through an average guy’s lies. Verdict using the Hem Theory: long thing, but is usually worth the effort, Timeline: 6 months to 2 years.
  • Study 4, Any thing longer: Don’t even bother. The most action you will get from these areas are lips, neck if you are lucky and perhaps a little below if you propose, they are prepared for mental sieges, bare-faced lies and anything else the average guy can throw at them, prepare to propose or even marry if you want anything from here. Verdict using Hem Theory:not worth a picture, Timeline: LoL (and still laughing)

In the real world however this has nothing to do with actual Hem-lines and has everything to do with the way ladies think.  I would love to bore you with how this works but then I shall leave it for some other time. However I will say this, that for us men factors that do contribute to getting past them Hem-lines are largely within two very broad areas.

  1. Pride: For guys Oh yes pride, the very thing that makes a man manly in his ideal world. Verdict using Hem Theory: Lose that pride. Pride makes you rigid and you will need flexibility to get past them hem-lines. Pick your battles, know your strengths and use them very wisely. Know what Hem- line you are working against. If you exceed the timelines, you are either doing something wrong or you are quickly becoming a friend.
    For Ladies Oh ladies, yeah watch it, if the guy seems like a wonderful guy to hang out and be with, he probably isn’t (he is either a very good friend or he wants to get beneath your skirt). Verdict using Hem Theory: Know your Hem Line
  2. Integrity: Surprised, guys with integrity will refuse to lie even when Solomon would advise them to. I guess this also walks hand in hand with pride. This means that in very comfortable situations dependent on a simple lie to get things going on (e.g. how do you feel about me John Doe, do you really care about me John Doe), Mr. Integrity will stick to the truth. Verdict using Hem Theory: All Hem-lines become “a long thing” and you will end up getting nad
    Sadly ladies usually don’t get freaky/kinky with guys like this, they know they are doing something bad anyways and absolutely do not want to hear the truth while at it. Verdict using Hem Theory: KMT(hissing to myself)
  3. Other factors: Alcohol, straight-faced lying, white lies, manipulation, etc… Should be used sparingly and wisely, some of them don’t work more than once, so please make them count.

Now I must say, that it has been fun writing this, it made me laugh loads. Please apply sparingly, defend wisely and above all, please observe the definitions for the types of tales.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

* When I say average Hem-line, I mean the average Hem-line of the lady, if she only wears a mini when she is going to party or she is clubbing that doesn’t make the Hem-average a mini, it makes it much longer.

Disclaimer: I no dey o

 

Image Credit to Pretty Wonderful