Category Archives: SNM Chronicles

Posts relating to personal experiences or just general stuff that applies to everyone and no one in particular

A series of Unfortunate Events

In case you are wondering why I am starting this post with a half naked picture of a well known man, do not be worried. I am not gay, he is not pregnant and neither am I. That people is my resolution for 2012. Yes I said it. No more dulling or messing around, I need to burn the carbs, get some abs and muskles. I want to be able to take my shirt off and have it speak volumes. Yes I said it, after 3 years of thinking I want to be an African Beau Wonder with brains. Why the change of heart? Why not? I have two brothers from other mothers who have been attempting to kill me for the past couple of months. Yes I am reporting Senor Baroque and Blaq Bobby to you all. We are all involved in something called the #movement where they do pushups ranging from 250 to 300 and situps ranging from 100 to 200, the sad thing is, they expect me to be a part of it. Me? Kai!! Before I bore you with my physical constraints, I shall proceed with my post.

Now I must confess if all what is written below had happened in one day to just one person, I have to admit, that Aladdin’s genie would have a lot of work cut out for him (oh I forget, we are in Nigeria). Without further ado, make I proceed.

Event 1: The Sweaty Episode: If you have ever been in a car, driving or being driven and had a serious case of the runs, this is for you. Now this is the average scenario, you manage to get yourself into an eatery or you get home on time right after you break into a cold sweat. In the story you are about to read, this is not the case.

Imagine yourself as an omo boy, you jejely dey inside car dey relax, when you start feeling the heat of the runs. Now that is normal. Imagine that you are in a car driving at a 120km/h in the middle of nowhere when you hear In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins playing (don’t ask me why it just seems perfect for the scenario). Your tummy rumbles, and stops, no shakings make we dey go. Tummy rumbles and then stops (now playing Breathe and Stop by Qtip) and then starts and won’t stop. All of a sudden sweat starts breaking loose and running free and you know deep down in your heart that there is a problem. Did I forget to mention that there is this quite stunning beauty in the car with you have been trying to hit it with? SHIT (and I mean that literally)!!! If you were in that situation, what would you do? I would weigh the following options; the chances of meeting her again, the chances of actually getting something started and the chance that I would do a little doodle in the ride. Mathematical equation below

Chance of meeting her again: Close to zero

Chance of getting something started: Close to zero

Chance of starting something smelly: Close to 1

If that is the answer people I would face bush squarely…

Event 2: The Blackout: Now if you have ever blacked out before, then you may know exactly what I am talking about here. I must point out that a blackout as I mean it has no relation to a knock out or a pass out. They are totally different terms.

Anyways, I had the misfortunate fortune of going to a gym for a workout session. My first session in nearly 18months. No wahala there. Now I like to act like I am power mike in things like this, push my body to the limits and things. Na so I climb treadmill o. Instead of me to on the thing they waka dey go, na so I climb am on am put the thing on full speed and started running. 15mins later I got down, all the gym people where hailing me, I was feeling like a stud. There was a football match going on, sat down to watch it on a chair that gave crappy massages and I lost my sense of vision. I swear, PHCN took light in my brain and I was blind for like 5 mins. I freaked!!! As in I nearly ran mind numbingly mad. I was blind. Thoughts that ran through my mind included; who send me? How will I find my way home? Them don swear for me from village. CHINEKE!! Thinking about it now, I laugh but people, it was far from funny.

Event 3: The lift, the chick and the smell…: I remember that day like it was this morning.. It was very early in the morning and I was rushing out of my building because I was quite late. Ran to the lift and pressed the call button, as I was contemplating running down the stairs, the lift door opened and I saw this beautiful girl alone in the lift. I opened my mouth slightly, closed it firmly and entered the lift. And as I turned to say hi, I smelt it. My mind blew. The aroma that wafted up my nose was not gentle, it was not perfume. It smelled like a mixture of fart, onions, eggs and coke. I am a man, but there are some things I CANNOT take. Fine woman and gas is one of them. I came down on the next floor and took all 12 flights of stairs to the parking lot. I fit shout o, but I no ready die. If it was you, what would you do? Oh yeah, this is totally fictional. It did not happen or did it?

I have a new definition of disappointment today. It is watching a very boring film for 70mins on cable hoping to catch a glimpse of boobies with one or all of the following happening when the scene comes up

  • Light goes.
  • Light goes, comes back and then goes again
  • Light goes and the generator refuses to start or the security guard is sleeping.
  • All of the above happen only for the light to come back on and the cable station edits the scene because it is deemed inappropriate for viewers
That people is a series of unfortunate events.
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Regards
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Single Nigerian Man
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Disclaimer: I am not to blame for the series of laughter this may cause.. Any attempt to link any of this to me will end up rather badly.
In other news, I am going to have a wish come true in less than a month. I am going on vacation.. Happiness 🙂
Now I am wondering if I should just start blogging on the regular, bi-weekly or tri-weekly.

Ennui…

Had this at the tip of my fingers for a while now. Ennui: he one word that captures the feeling I have had growing in my chest this past week. Disenchantment, dissatisfaction with the state and stage of my life. So many things I want to do that I can’t, so few things I really want to do that I am actually doing.

As a kid, I was quite gifted, played the keyboard at my church (yeah the main church) at the age of 9, learned the rhythm guitar, the bass, the recorder, the drums, the harmonica and even knew how to sing. I had the artistic streak, was the best student at Technical drawing, knew the basics of how to take off and land a plane, all this before the age of 17. I had life at the tip of my hands, I could have been anything I wanted to be. How did I lose all that?

Growing up I had the wonderful ability to shield my feelings, keep up the blank facade, the strong silent type, like the cowboys of years gone by. Clint Eastwood, Steven Seagal, the guys who didn’t need to speak much but who you knew could get the job done. Met people who confessed to me that they didn’t think I could speak or smile. Now I am just a bubbling mix of emotions, emotions I can only keep back with an effort. How did I lose that strength? Do I need to mention that the Nigeria I grew up in, is no more? We never thought it would affect us, shielded within the homes of our parents, we are past that now, the problems in the country glare at us daily and all we can do is glare back, keep quiet and pray (for those who still do)

Time flies, things change. Met a woman that changed my life, brought out the writer in me. Have a kid, two degrees and a couple of certifications. A brain I hardly use, words I barely say and underneath it all, a growing feeling that there is more to this life than I am getting.

So now I have a son I barely see, a woman I constantly dream about and a daughter I dare not have. I am an emotional wreck, lost my musical talent, slowly losing my ability to write, I have a job I would have jumped at 6 months ago with bosses that slowly wreck it. I have lost my faith in religion and so find it hard to go to church, however I find it hard to hold on with just my prayers and daily devotionals. I need fellowship but too many falsehoods around, methinks I am one of them. Ennui, a word so strange with a meaning so familiar… growing steadily, daily. How did I get here?

I would go to church, but last week they spoke about tithes, this week is thanksgiving, two weeks ago it was about giving to build the house of God and I wonder, how many houses will my God stay in, when there are supposedly 150million hearts in this country. I understand omniscience but then if every church in Nigeria wants to build Solomon’s house, who will feed the poor, the broken in spirit? In all this, not once do I hear a sermon for the weary heart. For that, we are to remember that salvation is a personal race. Building God’s house is a collective issue though.

We choose to lock our feelings in and lock people out when we could share, not share to the oversabi’s who always have theories and no solutions, the ones who would rather fling mantras at us than offer their shoulders. I know your type, but rather than tell you how I truly feel, I murmur my thanks and walk far from you, I appreciate your efforts but it is not what I need at the moment. I want Jane Doe, I want a baby girl, I want a high paying job, I want my boy. I want to write a lot, most of all I want to feel like I belong somewhere.

Not your usual post or rant, just airing my feelings, maybe yours too. Thanks OhJ and Twinnie… Sometimes reading stuff pushes you to make that move… Dearest Kiah, I still dey wait you oh

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Just airing my mind, clearing things… I am not Job.

Dear Jane Doe, if you see this, I am fine.

MsLuffa this does not qualify for a crisis session 🙂

Yes I am saying it, you have probably thought it… I AM BORED!!!

Stress: The week so far…

Before I say anything else, can you please look at the picture and tell me where you lie?

Me: Insomnia, loss of appetite, fatigue, more fussy, alienation, indecisions, impaired judgement, frequent illnesses (not infections) restlessness and plenty other things oyibo people no sabi.

This was supposed to be a unusually worded rant about many things in particular but for a timely word from my daily devotional (a daily devotional I have not touched in a while I must confess). So without further ado here I go..

My health: After a pretty busy weekend, I woke up on Monday spewing forth bloody spitums (as my medical friends would call it). First thought that crossed my mind? Not again, I had the same thing the last Monday but it went. Seemed my endeavours over the weekend just brought it out again. Did I forget to mention that this would be my 8th or 9th trip to see a doctor this year? The thing hs everybody going crazy, but I know what the problem is. I need to spend 3 weeks of intense loving up with Jane Doe, so I tell myself. Truth, I need to get my God life back in play, for reals.

My job I know how I can go on and on about my job, but then this is the only place where I can take 4days off or die and no one would be really bothered unless Goodluck asks for something that is directly connected to me. I mean, any other place and I would have gotten the sack, the dump or the crap beaten right out of me. They had better fix my medical insurance soon though or else I will play dead.

Celibacy Dear bloggergood, I have decided to go celibate. No more flirting, or having evil thoughts about the female species. I solemnly swear to abstain from all manners of innuendos too as much as it pains me… Affected parties take note. Jane Doe is exempted of course (I jest). Reading 1 Corinthians 5 today scared the piss out of my bladder(s).

Oliver Twist Finally watched some Oliver Twist videos. There was one some people were going crazy about so I sought it and I found it. While the babe in the boxers had some astonishing moves, all my eyes went on going to were the mounds of flesh on her thighs *now shudders*. I am not judging though, my mirror tells me I suck, all the time.

Death With all the wahala this week I found myself thinking of death, well not the actual act but the following:

  1.  With all the ruckus that would happen on twitter, facebook and bbm if I passed on, I cannot help but wonder. What is it about death that makes us all go teary eyed? Please no bb updates, writing on my wall or twittering. Thanks.
  2. If I were to die, I would like to go out with a big bang. Sword in one hand, gun in the other, yelling and spitting insults in the face of a million foes. Death by blood from the chest or from lovesickness or some other wussy thing is not how I want to go *shudders*. Not at my age (no offence to all those in the hospital).

So I am here at work this morning, I have finished with all my activities for the week including catch up on past activities. I am now blogging, reading blogs. My dearest twinny has buzzed me already to get my chest checked out. I have to go too, I need it, before I get a deathwish (no pun intended).

This is not how I blog usually, there must be something wrong with me. Have to go back to babe bashing, theory forming and general nonsense.

With regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: All yarns above were totally conceived in my mind and in no way have any relation to anything or anyone you know. I am not suicidal, I am stressed, if you know a love doctor or a snurse(sex nurse), please refer.

May the celibacy begin.

Now what picture to use…

 

 

Crying Wolf

If you know the story of the very foolish boy who cried wolf you have probably jumped to conclusions on reading the title of this post. This has nothing to do with little boys, sheep, wolves or nigerian babes. Well maybe a bit of babes.
This post is for the composers and forwarders of useless blackberry messages.
Now I understand several things, I do understand how some things can touch you, make you laugh silly and things. I do not understand however how “our friend” can forward a bb message to us and you now decide to immediately forward the same message to us all. As in, how does that work? Then there are some messages that you have no business sending, messages I have no business reading. Even more annoying are the messages I read 2 years ago.
Now I believe it is entirely within your rights to send purple messages, however I believe it should be our right to opt out of reading them.
Now where does crying wolf come in? For every time I see a red flashing light and pick my phone to see a purple message from you, it dampens my mood just a bit, takes you down my priority list a little bit and moves you closer to the delete button. Be very very careful *now giving the evil eye*

Regards,
Single Nigerian Man

Done in 60minutes

I had to scrounge around for a bit upstairs to get a title for this post. Threw a few around and ended up with what you see above.

We have all heard about the don’ts of relationships for guys. Don’t do this and don’t do that. What girls hate guys doing, blah blah blah.. Decided to do it from a different perspective today.. Mine!! Here they are in no particular order with something similar to an explanation alongside. They are the things I check out for when I first meet any girl and the points I deduct from the 100points I start out with.

  1. Feet -25points: I have always had this weird fascination for feet, it tells me a lot about a girl. How she cares for her body, her hygiene, her background, her home and how much effort she put into looking good before meeting me. Now how on earth can I get all that from looking at her feet? Lol.. Dirty feet tells me a lot, you walk around without slippers in a not so clean house, or you don’t wash your feet when you bathe (and other places too), you don’t pay attention to details, etc. If you want to know waddup with a girl, rather than spend hours conversing with the girl, check the heels of her feet. Honorary mentions go to squished up toes (from tight shoes), nasty toes, big feet (no offence) and fat feet (no offence my sister has these). All honorary mentions are in no way related to dirty feet. I just like them slender and clean so I can massage them without cringing in my mind.
  2. The Phone Calls -10points: So we planned to see today and you just can’t stop picking your phone to chat with different people. Oh before I forgot we were just meeting to have dinner and you spent 40-70% of the time talking in your native language. Yes, yes, I am beefing, I speak only English, but beef aside I do think its quite rude because you are actually conversing with them rather than having a conversation with me (no ladies, I have not had the opportunity to bore you yet). I am an understanding guy however so that’s just 10points.
  3. Nollywood -17points: You watch Nollywood movies (all of them) and are quite abreast with situations happening in that forest. You know what goes on in movies and you know what goes on outside of them. As if that is not enough you think it is ok to attempt to educate me on the goings-ons in that place. To top it up, you don’t read books, novels, but you also watch Bollywood movies (-20 extra points). No beef ladies, but I believe anyone who follows Nollywood movies thinks the following; a) my mother is evil and my stepmother is even worse b) There is a high possibility I will play her jibiti c) I am going to make an attempt to see her knickers just because I took her out to dinner. The list is plenty and is quite tiring, carry your wahala and go jare.
  4. You look at me suspiciously when I try to pay for the dinner -12points: Yes this is a no-no for me. I wouldn’t go out on a date with you if I didn’t want to pay for it. At least that’s what gentlemen did back in the day. If I wanted to sleep with you, I would take you to dinner after, not before, cos last time I checked no one liked having sex on a full stomach (it is uncomfortable). Thanks to Margaret Thatcher and Beyonce however, I will forgive you.
  5. Miss Bossy and Miss Touchy -40points: Oh yes you keep touching me to make a point. Touching I said not caressing or rubbing me in a quite sexy way. Babe please, that stuff freaks me out. I can hear and understand English. Sign language doesn’t require touching just in case the first two fail. And we just met, why are you trying to change plans without my consent.
  6. Holy Martha -35points: Yes I do understand your need to preach the gospel. I do understand the need to convert me before I start attempting to “cop a feel“. I do understand that you think I am going to try and take you home after dinner. However, you had the opportunity to preach to me when we were chatting and while we were scheduling the date. I do not understand why it has to be now I am trying to get some calories in my system you decide to open your mouth. There is a time for everything
  7. You are not Jane Doe -75points: I don’t even need to explain this. My heart only has one space for one.

So there they are, my top 6 don’ts. If 2 or more happen, the chances that you will see me again are rather slim and close to zero. If all of them happen chances are you owe me some points. Some guys might overlook some of these things if the babe fine well well and she get better ikebe. Not me!! Enough of the babe bashing, time to woo my Blog Wife.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: If you think this is directed at you, then it probably is. If you think it makes sense, I know it doesn’t. For all the people who have tried hooking me up to someone and failed, this is why. If you think this is a disclaimer, it isn’t.

Dear Blog Wife, where on earth are you?

Search for Single Nigerian Babe continues

QOD: If lesbians claim to be truly lesbians, why on earth do they need dildo’s? Just asking.

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