Category Archives: The Scarlet Diaries

To set or not to set P

Hello, Scarlet here. How have you crazy kids been doing? ‘Miss me’? I missed you all ūüôā
Had a crazy couple of weeks, but I am back now. And while I was away, I have been thinking a lot about our ‘p-choices’/’friends with benefits or whatever colorful names there are out there.

Being a single person has its highs, lows and rock bottoms. And contrary to popular belief, choosing to remain single isn’t always a choice thing. To each his own, abi?
Oh well, here are a set of rules I try to live by. These are my own rules, y’all are entitled to yours but like I said to each his own. However please read, contribute as best as you can, your comments are very much appreciated.
So so so… If you are a single person, and you are either getting it on a regular maybe you are in a close proximity P zone and you do not have high demanding job then you are the lucky one. (#np Youth- Daughter)
The rest of those who are having trouble maybe because ‘the land is dry’, or your p is far, he lives in Festac and you live in Ajah 5th roundabout, (Lagos and their endless LGAs. And lekki roundabouts? Even Epe,Eleko and that Sango place after VGC claims Lagos , I am tired!) I also feel sorry for you,it happens long distance p-setting can be so irritating. Why even bother? However any more talk on Lagos P-setting can and will not be done today. Ok ok, so I believe every single, ‘blood-dey-hot’ person must know this;

Rule #1 P is P!: Lemme explain… doesn’t matter how many times you get the P! Hell! The less the better, that leaves you craving more P. So it’s good, delaying gratification makes the experience that much intense than getting it on a regular. There is also the Law of Diminishing returns (for the ones that can relate). So even if you get it everyday, or once a month.. P is P, It’s all in your mind and your raging ‘whoremoans’ LOL. Try not to attach too much to it.

Rule #2: Some Ps are greater than others! Imagine,like 5 guys or girls are on your case,if you can juggle….I say go for it. You are an adult. Just remember to take the necessary steps. Protection is paramount, whether it’s your heart you are protecting or your ‘uglies’. Dexterity is a skill some lack(e.g. Me) so I like to make a scale of preference in a notepad (more economics) YES! I do that…bite me. So if that works for you, please, don’t be shy, get a note book, (speaking to the ladies now) write down names, likes, dislikes, hygiene; does he smell like sex or food? Or does he just smell? Does he chew with his mouth open? Is he certifiable (by that I mean are is he in need of psychiatric help)? Does he have a funny name that u can’t imagining screaming during *clears throat*(Names can be a deal breakers) I know its p, but once in awhile, you get to see them eat, shower and even cry (don’t ask) and in some rarest of cases meet a family member.
Arrange them in any order you like. Me, I want an orderly,organised life, sex inclusive, so I like to know where my problem is coming from. Some Ps are greater than others, the sooner you learn this the better. So you aren’t lying down there chanting ‘WTHell was I thinking, wthell was I thinking’ while he jack-rabbits his way to the end.

Rule #3: Not everyone deserves your P! This goes for both men and women! I know being single is HARD and like I said b4 bodi dey hot… Ladies,you know when you have had a long day and you just want to go home and have your feet rubbed or soak in a tub for two, or just cuddle? Oh men stop scoffing, I know there are days you want to go home and it feels like you stepped into a clich√© Nollywood scene. Woman at the door to take off your jacket and help with your bag and shoes. Hot meal on the table with a cold beverage, a hot bath and maybe sex? But you settle for leftover refrigerated noodles (for those who don’t cook), a quick cold shower, too ease of the day’s stress and a boner, that personal assistant gave you cos of her ridiculously tight, short gown which of course you are probably too tired to tend to. It sucks (pun intended)
I know I digress and it’s sha difficult, but please please please. Your P is special, not everyone deserves it and this doesn’t in any way conflict with rule #1. Rule #1 talks about duration.

RULE #4 P-setting isn’t for everyone: P-setting is a contract,a mutual ‘psychic’ arrangement between two consenting adults to have sex with as little emotion as possible ( I say psychic because most times you are expected to just understand your F-buddy and not to ask too many questions or expect too much). A friend of mine told me something ‘If she can give her body,she can give her heart’ And I said ‘y’all must think women are mashed ripe plantain in human form. I have met STRONG women that DON’T CARE whether you call or text…Life goes on, you aren’t feeding them. And I know CLINGY, whiny men, so its an individual thing. If its too hot, get out of the kitchen!
I.E. if setting- P isn’t not your thing, don’t do it.

WARNING!!! DO NOT FALL for a P! Because you have been P-Zoned, you aren’t the custodian of the mumu button. In fact, chances are you’ll never find it, so just keep it fun and physical. So on that note, I bid you farewell. I hope I have been able to help, in your quest for ‘love, sex and others…*aherm* Jara ‘ things in this ever competitive world…. E no easy oh! Have a fun hump day




Scarlett Writes: Window of Opportunity

Hello Everyone, Happy Post Holidays. I had this long post on how awesome my easter weekend was gonna be, because I had plans!!! Unfortunately, I spent all weekend in bed, alone all through the holidays. I am shocked! Oh Well. I figured you all deserve a story

I know today is Wednesday technically Tuesday because Monday was Sunday *errr* You catch my drift :). So my post today will be short and to the point.


The ‘Window of Opportunity’
Y’all already know what the window of opportunity is but allow me to explain,

The window of opportunity is that period of grace we all(women) allocate that potential Lover, friend with benefit( before the benefits of course),You know that time when you wait patiently for said guy to ask you out on a date, a meeting and in some cases a ‘slam, bam thank you very much’…
So Ladies, How long do you keep your window of Opportunity ‘open’? Two weeks? A month?

FYI….this window could also be called a ‘box of opportunity’ or if I may be so bold; ‘The Goody Bag’

Ok. Imagine this, lemme break it down *in JT’s voice’
You meet a guy, you like him, he seems to like you but he isn’t taking the ‘let’s see a movie this weekend’ or ‘let’s have drinks this weekend’ hints. Its hella frustrating but you have to wait as a woman abi? Pffffft!
Well for me,I see a spark and I want to throw some fuel on that spark and see those flames ignite….FAST!
We aren’t getting any younger you know
So? I hint and in some cases I take the bull by the horn and I say “Hey! Wanna hang this weekend?” Yes!! I am that forward. It works for me. So when I close my ‘window’, it usually means that it has been toooo long and I cannot categorically explain my disappointment in this guy in question.

How long is too long? I ask again…A year? 6months? Ehmmm… Is a year and a half too long?

I am ridiculously patient when it comes to the opposite sex and I am a firm believer of giving that guy the looooongest of ropes to hang himself (I.DO.NOT.LIKE.GAMES). So when I finally kick the chair from under him, he usually knows he has messed up and the space that used to have a window is sealed shut with bricks, cement and iron bars.

Why so mean? Because it is risky to make your intentions known, Some guys BOLT.. that whole macho thing, wanting to be in control of a situation, but some are smart enough to see the rest of this story as it unfolds.

When I make my intentions known (directly, indirectly depends on how I feel about this person) I start the timer and watch you get on that chair and knot your own noose, you’ll be begging me to put you out of your misery. Soon
Too much on the morbid analogy?….*sips chilled coke*
So, this happened to me
I met this interesting individual, by the second phone call we had,I knew he was getting lucky.
Problem, he wasn’t taking the bait
He was always too busy, Forgetful
But still he called occasionally and a lot of BBM convos about things I found interesting, I wanted this human being to ask me out, but he never did!!
I would put myself out there, he would say “OK,we’ll hook up”.
But weekend came, I would call/ping to ask what happened… Excuses! Excuses!!
A lot of Ok, k, kks, GTGs… endless BRBs
Dangling me on a hook, watching me squirm, I was frustrated, wanted to throw tantrums his ways at some point, but I held my own. After a while, I lost interest… Of course!!!
Then the Universe decided it was time to have some fun (loool).
Finally, I met him again at another gathering, this was 12 calendar months and even some more months later… and all of a sudden, he had ‘Tunnel Vision’ for me, (probably all that drinking). Suddenly he had the whole week open and could meet me up for drinks at anytime or movies. He was all over me,trying to get me alone, to some dark corner, I obliged. *watching him get up on that chair and tie the rope to a branch*

Finally he gets me to a quiet place outside, he sits opposite me, he saying how he is always so busy, but now he is wide-open, apologising blaa blaa blaaa.. Holding my gaze, saying how gorgoeus I looked, hoping for a snog et al *knotting and adjusting the noose around his neck*

He asks one last time; “Would I have been lucky then?” And I replied with my naughtiest smile….”Oooooh, you have no idea what you missed out on”…still smiling,I stroked his thigh, oh so slowly, leaned closer, looked him straight in the eye, inches from his face and I slowly said…. “NEVER.GONNA.HAPPEN.YOU.HAD.YOUR.CHANCE”……

He had a priceless expression on his face, I stood up and as he moved out of my way, I walked away in my best strut! Never looking back, I imagined I was walking away from an explosion! IT FELT AWESOME!
Was that Harsh? I think not…..
Any man that is too busy to see you, forgets his appointments with you isn’t a serious candidate for the goody bag!
Sad Guy up there might be looking for a million of things or just one thing, but his window closed. Life goes on.
I know my men, and I know if a man wants something, it could be the goody bag, the box or even the delight of your company.

HE WILL MAKE TIME, he will chase you to the ends of the earth if needs be, If he doesn’t?
then ‘Sis.. He isn’t that’s into you’! That’s gospel!
You probably didn’t hear it first here, but this is a friendly reminder.

So please, if you have stories and you are in a sharing mood, I would love to hear them
Have a great Hump day!


The Scarlet Diaries: Battle of the Sexes

This is one battle that will never be won, too much fraternizing with the ‘enemy’ (by enemy I mean the opposite sex; by¬†fraternize¬†I mean sex)
As a woman, I’ll write from MY views…
So I was at the salon the other day and I overhead some girls ‘gisting‘, even in hush tones I knew it was interesting gist so I listened.

  • Girl A : Men eh!!! Na wah oh, so he just started behaving like nothing happened after how amazing the sex was?
  • Girl B : Yes oh. Whenever I called him, he would answer sounding all business like, nonchalant or he is driving or in a meeting.
  • Girl A:¬†sorry dear, I know you liked this one, at least you got yours *giggles* Na wah Men are so annoying.
  • Girl B:¬†I swear I am not even bothered; I am so done with him and Men in general!

At this point I almost chipped in ‘Honey, not by a long shot’ which would have been rewarded with a shitstorm of insults or even a slap, so I scoffed LOUDLY and returned to the Nollywood I was watching.
Let’s be honest, the truth now; lie it down on the table or floor, or bed, or even nail it against a wall … Sorry.¬†The truth is, if amazing sex guy calls girl b, she’ll go see him, like sheep to slaughter, like the proverbial moth to a flame…. You know why?¬†Good sex

Good sex is unbelievably Hard… Difficult ¬†to find and she(Girl B) is probably thinking of all the deeply sick things, non-chalant/amazing sex guy did to her and she is thinking of getting some more of that drug.

*np Pusher Love Girl -Justin Timberlake*

She’ll probably not say this to her friend and her friend might be in this EXACT situation…lol
Then imagine if it was mind-altering sex…Ah! You know that kind that returns your brain to the original factory setting and you forget how to form words.
That kind of sex that turns you to a heap of Flesh, bone and sweat. I call this particular ‘drug’ LSD¬†(the ick is silent of course)
What is LSD?
You can’t tell me, you’ve never had LSDICK! That’s the ish (I’ll get back to this)
So where was I?
Oh yeah.. the Battle of the Sexes

So even if by some miracle, men and women form same sex alliance to take down the other side… I am so sneaking off to go fraternize with the enemy.¬†Women reading this, stop rumpling face jo! You know I speak the truth.
We have partially won all the other wars; Females go to school, vote, females are leading nations
But the day a woman won’t be judged for having a voracious sexual appetite will NEVER come.¬†The Feminine Version for the word ‘Stud’ is Ho, it‚Äôs unfortunate but true, so instead of all this ‘battle of the sexes’ let’s ease off all that stress with good ol’ sex. Life is already too serious as it is.¬†Pretense¬†and Prudence won’t get you some, so please¬†fraternize¬†as much as possible. Those memories will keep you company when you are old and grey.

As for my Darling Men, I love you guys, but you are a serious thorn in my flesh and a Pain in my behind *pun unintended or intended if you are into that sort of thing*
You know why? Subtlety isn’t in your dictionary, of all the things that I know that upsets women, it‚Äôs that feeling of being used and discarded, not saying I don’t like being used.. Lol! Just don’t toss me.¬†Maybe because as a man you lack this inherent ability, and we were probably too busy ripping off each other‚Äôs clothes to discuss, the ‘benefits’ of our agreement.. Still‚Ķ Don’t run….

Let me let u in on a secret, it‚Äôs easier than you think.¬†I am assuming Girl B is above consenting age, so all I want to say is… ‘Wean’.
Withdrawal syndrome is the reason some women get all psycho-bitch and crazy, Wean her of LSD don’t cut her off like a diseased part of fruit.. That shit isn’t cool.¬†If the sex was good then it can‚Äôt be so horrible to give her a taste a few more times.¬†Oh wait, you tell her you have a girlfriend and don‚Äôt want to hurt either one of them, it was a mistake, blah blah blah,¬†no one slips and falls into a vagina..

or do they?
or do they?

Nope, it is a conscious effort to cheat (if that is in fact the truth).¬†I think that Men have run out of reasons to dump a woman, but let me just say it is cruel to just stop answering her calls or replying her messages.. Wean her off you, if you were meeting every day, change it to 3 times a week, then once week, if you reduce the attention you are giving her, she will look for attention elsewhere and in time‚Ķ¬†Of course there is a risk that she‚Äôs fall deeper and deeper in love with you, the neglect might be a turn on for ¬†some (Awesome Turn-on for most..LOL, but then that’s the small fine print)
Oh wait, I have another solution, I know men like to be all macho and be the best in the sack but maybe just maybe start doing rubbish..¬†Oh shit, women talk‚Ķ she‚Äôll spoil your market.¬†Na wah oh there really is no middle ground with this..¬†At the end of the day, the truth is, our heads turn to mush when it comes to the opposite sex, there really¬†isn’t¬†one way to deal with everyone.¬†Maybe in his mind being distant is a good way to go, cruel as it is. It works.¬†Weeks will pass by and the girl will forget that amazing sex from LSD and move on….(This story is far from over)
I have digressed so much I have forgotten what I was talking about…¬†Oh yeah! Fraternizing oh so sweetly with the other side..Going Rouge! Switching sides and¬†positions… Ok, ¬†I am done

Men! Women!ENJOY!! The little pleasures of life
If he/she becomes distant,move on! There should be some other dude out there willing to slip and fall into some naughtiness *wink* wink*
Have an awesome hump day(Wednesday)


Scarlett’s Diary: Wedding Blues, Woes and everything between

The last time I remember being an active participant at a wedding was at age 6, I was my 2nd cousin’s little bride. It was all smiles and people pinching my cheeks telling me how much prettier than the bride I looked.

That was 20-odd something years ago, this is now and story don change
So I recently (by recently I mean a year and some months ago) ¬†attended another cousin’s wedding and he somehow cornered me into reading his intention letter in front of both families and guests¬†at the Traditional Wedding (Like seriously an intention letter?)!! ¬†I managed not to mess it up and assumed I was in the clear. I was wrong because I had at least 3 aunts and an Uncle on my case as to why I was over 25 and still single and unmarried.

The day of the White wedding came, I managed to evade 2 of my aunts and my uncle who all started the conversation with ..”Ah, so when are we coming for yours”. Unfortunately it was a wedding with no alcohol; no wine, no champagne, no hard liquor, just juice, water and Eva grape juice or is it wine Nigerians call it?…..(msschew!) . The things we do for family, include attending a wedding without booze and deep down I knew it was going to be a long day.

The devil’s chocolate cake for dessert could only do so much, so I got to the juice bar and the waiter made something colourful for me, Chapman he called it. Chapman without Campari is just juice and cucumbers to me… In my opinion.

The thought of that day still gives me the hibbie-gibbies. Anywho, on my way back to the high table, ¬†Aunt number 3 cuts me off, commented on how pretty I looked (might I add, I looked HOT that day) and before I knew it she was saying things like ‘ reproductive peak’ and a woman¬†shriveling¬†up after age 30.¬†I had the look of utter disbelief and shock, now I really wish I could be smoking what she was high on because I couldn’t deal. I tried to leave but the woman no gree oh she held on to my hand refusing to let go. I practically peeled her off my arm and dashed back to my seat and there I hid there till the Vote of Thanks…

I later found a bottle of vodka under the table (probably one of the groom’s men hid it). You know the rest.

So now, I avoid weddings because if you think these emotional land mines only happen at family meetings or occasions then, you are most definitely a learner.

Engaged, married friends and acquaintances have joined the ‘let’s-make-our-single-friends-feel -bad’ bandwagon, after all I am single by choice abi? As far as they know, I have turned down bridesmaid’s offers more times this year than I care to remember. Even friends’ of family I haven’t spoken to in ages want me as a bridesmaid. The hen night, the dresses, the shoes, accessories. Sheesh! I donate tonnes of money (that I don’t have BTW) to your martial bliss and all I get is “Don’t worry,your time will come”. Who said I am looking to get married now? And if I am, kindly leave that job to the relatives!!

Don’t get me started on the bouquet toss, that is now a¬†compulsory¬†subject! I mean the MC now makes the bride call out her single friends. Hian!! With Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies‘ ¬†always in the background!! Next time Beyonce comes on, I am out of that reception hall. Rubbish!
Even the garter tradition, has been almost phased out or was never a thing in Naija as far as I know.

So please, I beg you,if you feel sorry for me, please by all means get me a deluxe suite(complete with a mini bar) for the after wedding party, hook me up with a hot, interested groom’s man with sociopathic tendencies when it comes to sex. That will do just fine in comforting my ‘single, sad self’ ¬†and if he turns out to be THE ONE..JACKPOT!!
I guess Scarlet just won the Lottery.



Image credit to Bonkersycrax 

Scarlet Writes: Douchebaggery Theory

We are all¬†douche bags¬† Every last one of us…I had this epiphany over my cup of triple shot espresso with lots of sugar ( 5 sachets of¬†Nescafe¬†and 4 cubes of sugar).¬†Even the sweetest soul is a¬†douche bag¬†within, it’s just lying there latent waiting for the right circumstance to rear its disgusting head and make people want to pelt you with pure water bags or stones.
The question of the day

[quote]’Have you hugged your inner douche bag today?'[/quote]
What? I am not making sense?, you sure? Ok.. Permit me to open the moi-moi wraps around your mind.
Are you telling me, that in your adult years, I said adults because kids are another breed of not so angelic and they know it.. Lol
In your adult years, you haven’t done something intentional,that was so awful that you wanted to smack yourself ? In a non-sexual way of course? Be Honest!!!
People Lie, People steal,People cheat, people gossip and our excuse for this…
‘I am Human’
“YES YOU ARE”! You are also hard wired to survive and if surviving means doing whatever necessary then YES! ¬†You have done some douchey things at the expense of others,and you didn’t care, even if you did you didn’t let it show,maybe because you were too proud or maybe cause you are jerk naturally and you can’t help yourself. So you see
We are all Douchebags!
*mind unwrapped, grabs fork* Oh,sorry *drops fork*
So I ask again
‘Have you hugged your inner douche bag today’?,have you accepted the fact that you can’t control these things sometimes and you just have to let it slide?
Oh! Don’t beat yourself up..or you could *wink*
So please embrace that asshole in you,hug it, caress it, own it *mental slap*
Ok! I am rambling at this point. I wish you all a Happy Hump Day (wednesday).¬†Get over that hump, smile… The day after tomorrow is Friday *grins*
I see a lot of douchey behavior this weekend YOLO! *dodges koi-koi shoe*


Image credit: Tech In Asia