Category Archives: Chronicles

Posts which may or may not be true..

Fever….

So here I am tonight, fretting, wondering and yeah, sweating. You see, ever since I moved into this new place, I can only get internet access from a particular part of the house. Guess what, the air conditioning packed up after week 1 and for some weird reason the guys who told me they were fixing it, fixed it in such a way that it can’t even come on again (In the words of Mojo Jojo, CURSES!!!). At least before it used to blow some form of air, now, NOTHING!!! Anyway, enough about problems that don’t matter, problems I can’t do anything about. Let me talk about something that I can do something about, which is write. You see, I have been nursing a fever for the last couple of days. When I say nursing however, I don’t mean treating it, I actually mean nursing the malaria to make it better (to let it blossom before I kill it dead) . All through this nursing period, I have wondered and wished I had Jane Doe here to nurse me while I nurse the malaria, so that we (me and the malaria) get better together. It got me thinking again (yes o, thinking once again), I have been relatively fine and happy with my “status” for a while, why wonder about Jane Doe now? This is what I came up with for future reference…

  • Hypothesis 1: Hunger(5 – 9pm): Ok, I just left work and really and truly, there is nothing at home to go to. The usual stuff exists, TV, game system and there are the friends. However the one thing that has been on my mind since 2pm is the one thing I do not have. Food!!! I am so hungry and as there is no soccer tonight, the quick fixes that usually sort me out are out of the question. So I pick up my phone and I call her. I need to know if:
    (1) She is free this evening and if I can come to visit (hopefully she will have food)  and
    (2) If she wants to come over to mine this evening so we can have dinner (of course she knows I can’t cook). Note the emphasis on evening? Oh yes, this call is solely for my stomach, woman be gone before Wee Willy Winky strikes (Are all the men in bed? Cos its past 10 ‘o’ clock)
  • Hypothesis 2: Company(9pm – 2am): Football has ended I am bored, its a thursday or friday night and I need to have some fun. There are some things that only a woman can provide without some form of alcohol involved (no, no naughtiness involved). Regardless of how close you are, there is something fishy about two single men (you and a man who is not your house mate) spending some hours of the night together. No one needs to tell you to place that call, usually a distress call too. If she is just as bored as you are even better. This brings me to the interesting call…
  • Hypothesis 3: Clears throat: If you have ever watched How I met Your Mother, there is this theory (which I totally agree with) that nothing holy, decent or clean ever happens between a man and a woman after 2am unless one is toasting and the other is agreeing or there is a night vigil going on (and you must admit, one single man and one single woman do not have a night vigil together, that is just plain dodgy). Now any single guy that calls a woman, single or not to come over after 11pm has nothing good planned out for her, unless like me, he has a fever. However if a single woman calls…
  • Hypothesis 4: Present status: Y’all don’t wanna talk or hear sick talk and I am in no mood to write about it, but yeah call placed because frankly, I need a nurse.
I believe single men and women are happy single regardless of all the noise they make (me included). I also believe men and women in a relationship are happy there regardless of all the noise they make. Reason? If I sincerely did not like my relationship, I would leave it, and if I really wanted to stop being single I would find someone, settle down and get her pregnant.
That aside I must admit that there are many things wrong in the world today, and nursing a fever alone is one of them, its 9pm, maybe I should make some calls, I should call Jane Doe it’s a Friday.
They say Gold Diggers are the ones who follow men/women(?) for their money, I say Gold Diggers only holla when they need something. QED
Disclaimer: I have a fever, anything I have said today cannot and should not be used against me 
Regards

It’s a blog thing?

Looking at the blogosphere, everyone who is anyone is blogging, writing about things that entertain, things that matter and things that honestly no one cares about. I could go on and on about the blogosphere but that will probably upset me a bit and make me foam just a little bit around the mouth (big lie but then really, who cares). And speaking of foaming around the mouth, let me say just a little bit about myself and this blog.

I am a single Nigerian man and by Nigerian man, I mean I have all the qualities of a typical Nigerian man well I lack quite a number of attributes, but best believe, the qualities are all there. The typical qualities of a Nigerian man include but are not limited to

  • Knowledge of pretty much anything on earth (basic knowledge I mean)
  • Knowledge of all the form factors of African women (Whatever level there is above basic)
  • Apparent ability to analyse african women from a distance and know all there is to know about them without having said one word to them (a skill that can be called upon only when we are in the company of friends who think just like us)
  • Love for all kinds of dishes that taste good, but most definitely cannot be cooked by us (In most cases)
Now every Nigerian man has one or more of these qualities and they may try to deny it, but then these qualities are like stickers and you can either stick it on their forehead, chest on the part of my anatomy slightly above my back pocket. Which brings me to the reason for starting this blog.. Ehmmm, boredom? Yeah that might be the primary reason, but then there is also the fact that Nigerian women know even less of Nigerian men than we do of them. We may have the same qualities, but we have rather different attributes (will explain more about this as time goes on)..
On a more serious note however, just thought to share my thoughts, ideas and perhaps escapades as a single Nigerian man to all and all who might by any chance stumble on my scribblings, I do hope if you don’t leave here endowed with some form of knowledge, that at least we share some laughs…
Welcome to my little world of intrigue, lies and wishful thinking. You will find me using some words you have never heard before, words you have heard before which you assumed meant something else and then words which I totally created right off the top of my head. You will also find out that I speak nearly perfect English, almost no native language and so you should please forgive me. However I speak nearly perfect pidgin, quite a bit of Waffi and quite a lot of rubbish. With your help, I guess I will have to make quite a number of changes.
Thanks for dropping by…
Regards
Single Nigerian Man
Oh yeah, I have absolutely no idea what the title of this post has to do with anything I just mentioned