All posts by Scarlet

Scarlet Diaries: The things I’ll never say

As I write this all I can think about is how much I hate this…
I hate this feeling
I know you get irritated when I get mushy but this is not a guilt trip.
This is the only way I can begin to explain my current state
I fucking miss you, it hurts.
Thinking about you makes me sad now,
My eyes glisten with unshed tears, there is a painful lump in my throat. Continue reading Scarlet Diaries: The things I’ll never say

Scarlet Writes: Celibacy

I just want to have sex. It’s been 5 months now and at this point, I have gone numb all over. A cold shower is now the equivalent of wild, inhibited, primal nookie. A hot shower is the same as long walks, speaking sweet nothings and indulging in little pleasures like Rum, butter scotch flavored ice cream, chocolate cake or milk chocolate. Oh yeah, that is the most action I have had in all 5 months.

You know when I made this pact, it seemed like a pretty smart idea. Stay off sex for 6months. I was sure I could do it!! But by the third month, I was seeing red. This coupled with the fact that my lips had forgotten what a kiss felt like, or the wonders a hand was capable of! *sigh*

Well I survived up until month four when the universe decides to toy with me.


All he did was pay me a complement and my brain shut down,for the next 2 hours I blacked out!

So back to my Topic, the one I always had in mind


Myth or possibility?

Can someone who is active sexually be celibate?My honest opinion? Laugh.Out.Loud

Sex will FIND you, Be very Afraid! Its impossible, maybe a monk could pull it off, but kids of today? Ha!!!

A camel has a better chance of passing a needle’s eye, no one and I mean no one is fully celibate. Reminds me of that movie 40 days, 40 nights (My inspiration for this madness); the movie where yummy Josh Hartnett gives up sex for the Lenten period because for some reason, whenever he is having sex it seems like there is an earthquake in the room and the walls are closing in on him, that is crazy awesome (In my opinion. But what do I know?). I went celibate for 8months with no reason, to no point and purpose!

I digress…

Well he lasted up to day 39, plus that was a movie.

In real life, no frigging way because the flesh is way too weak, unless you are asexual like some chick i knew that hates sex, lets forget that topic, it is too ‘morbid’ for this talk.

No one can every truly be celibate there must be some sort of outlet

Some people turn to hobbies; writing,reading, etc. But at some point sex will catch up with you. Some spank the monkey, polish the knob; can’t think of any other phases to describe it (they masturbate). Now this act was an abomination some twenty years ago but for some reason, it’s now acceptable to choke the chicken, slap the salami, dig for clams, ’just reading mom’, whack the saddle, stroke the magic lamp, audition the finger puppets.. WHOA!!! Google has alot of phrases to describe this act.

So the million dollar question; Can you claim to be celibate while choking the bishop, shaving the carrot, cleaning the rifle, enagaging in safe sex, greasing the pole? Seriously though the names are endless…

And the answer is NO!

Celibacy is not as easy as u might think, even a virgin that masturbates isn’t celibate. A friend of mine claimed he was celibate for a whole year and he doesn’t masturbate and I laughed in his face. So u didn’t have sex for a year big whoop but to say u were celibate, because you didn’t engage in a physical relationship with the opposite sex is just laughable. Puuuhlease don’t deceive yourself, you were having sex with yourself (technically).

As for people who claim not to touch themselves, you might as well start wearing spandex with an alphabet on chest ,cause that’s definitely a ‘superpower’’!


Scarlet Writes: Come and Chill Theorem

So I was reading a book this afternoon titled; ‘The 2nd Book of General Ignorance‘. It’s basically facts, events and stuff you think you know but are actually wrong.
And for some reason this got me thinking about Men and their ways with women folk and this came to mind


The ‘come and chill girl‘ Vs. The ‘let’s go on a date girl
At what point in a man’s mind those he categorize a girl into one of the two categories. Why I ask this? Simple. I am a victim of the lesser attractive category!! Lemme explain
  1. I love to chill, I am probably the chillest girl, you’ll ever meet and I also know a lot of chill women, that are now forced to act a certain way, because words like ‘Ladylike’ and socially (un)acceptable start popping up!! And the most annoying ‘Dress how you want to be addressed’ blah blah blahh.
  2. I LOVE Video games! Playstation, Xbox, etc.
  3. I love to sit back with junk food and watch  movies ALL DAY ,I wouldn’t even mind indulging in some mild psychedlics while watching a movie or even making one… *Wink wink*
    Or if you like,I cld just sit down with a bottle of coke and have a conversation.

I am mellow like that! I can be indoors for a month and not go out…
THIS IS A PROBLEM… u know why?

A lot of guys, Pick up on this, the moment they meet me and now almost every guy wants a girl(me) to come and chill! And no it’s NEVER the kind of chill you have in mind. It really grinds my gears,when I meet a guy I actually have a connection  and the next thing he says after some hrs of mind simulating conversation is; ‘Come to my house’
Urrggh! What happened to wooing? You know the good old days..
I also like to go out,to the mall, go to the beach, go to a sports bar and watch soccer..its fun!

What happened to taking a girl out, just because u like her, none of that pretentious ish because you want to get into her pants… I am not talking chinese, sharwama, asun, pizza or LOUD irritating music and spending hard earned naira on clubbing.. I am talking blowing a girl’s mind and that’s not just the sexual aspect, I mean taking her to see the Premiere of Man of Steel, because you know she loves movies, buying her the limited edition of something she’ll appreciate, having an author sign her favorite novel.
I know a lot of women, that behave a certain way all because they don’t want to be ‘Come and chill’ zoned.

What is the ‘come and chill’ zone?
Men are scared of meeting ‘chop clean mouth girls’ and I get that.. Totally. But before you decide to ‘come and chill’ zone a girl, know her well. The fact she is all calm doesn’t mean you can’t just surprise her or don’t you want to be seen with her in public? She can’t be that ugly naa, something drew you to her at first and we both know it wasn’t just ‘junior’. Lol
The ironic thing is y’all meet the chop and clean mouth girls and make her a ‘go out on a date’ girl.’Wife material’ sef. Then meet the chill mellow girls and just zone them, all because she seemed easy or rather she made things easy for you. It that fair???
Or the worst you don’t even look at the come and chill girl’s way, then later when you are stuck with ur ‘chop and clean mouth girl’, you are wishing she was chill and mellow. And you start complaining!!! MEN…and WOMEN! It’s almost like when women friend zone nice guys and chase after standard bastards.
This life is just a steaming pile of rotten beans!Self-Sabotage is almost second nature at this point.. It’s like we set ourselves up to fail, then start whining! I hate when I meet a guy and he says ‘Ah! You are the girl of my dreams, you love movies, games and even watch soccer, you don’t have a problem with my drinking and smoking.. Then I start feeling all kinds of awesome. Then you see the girl he is attracted to and she is so High maintenance, you wonder if she takes a dump!
So this is probably the shortest thing I have ever ranted about…so Men!
What’s the deal?! Cos I honestly cant be what I am not cause I want you to treat me differently.So what do you think?xx

Image credit to Date a white guy and MadameNoire

The Scarlet Diaries: Sapiosexuality

Life wasn’t always this weird. I mean, I had everything sorted out, meet a tall handsome man and just marry. I was simple, no complications and life couldn’t be any better.

Then the computer age began, thus the rise of geeks and sapiophilia began.
Computer Programming, humans writing symbols, codes and creating virtual realities. Oh wow!
Abbreviations like MSc, PhD, LLM, MBA, Mtech, MEng are now panty droppers or worse, he says he is a Pilot and you just start taking of your clothes. LOL!!

What is Sapiophilia? Simple. Sexual attraction to Intelligence.
Like we are not in enough trouble, it’s bad enough, I am watching Spartacus and screaming like a banshee, cos of all the hot bods, or drooling when I see David Beckham or any shirtless hot man
But now I have to deal with intelligence as well?! Sheeeeet!

When I first heard of the words sapiosexuality, I thought it was a ridiculous notion.
So he knows the name of every American President’s wife, can tell you the history of Nigeria; how Lord Lugard’s Mistress named this “great country” of ours, he can recite the entire periodic table, He is google in Human form……Big whoop abi? WRONG!
There is nothing worse than an intelligent man. However, a good looking intelligent man is a bonus. If he can speak more than one Language, it is finished cos you just know he has a flexible tongue.

The other day I was talking to a friend and she going on about some man she met; Tall, yummy (the Package) he attended some world class Business School and speaks English, French, Spanish and Igbo fluently, and how she just turns into a puddle of herself when he is around and I am flipping out in my mind. WTH!!! Not you toooo!!!!!

WE ARE DOOMED! *pulling hair*
GADDAMNIT! Its an epidemic, I beg u Women; FLEE from these men! It is no joke oh!

Now I would rather watch ‘Quest means Business’ or ‘Piers Morgan LIVE’ than ‘The Soup with Joel McHale’ on E!! (Or is it the British thing?!)
(Sidenote, I also watch Amanpour)
Its an Epidemic! Sapiophilia is REAL!!
That’s why a Show like ‘The Big Bang theory’ is now one of the funniest comedies right now,

There are more than 450 adaptations of Sherlock Holmes in books,movies and TV
Shows like SUITS just makes you hot and bothered,minus the well dressed delicious men and women, its all that LEGAL gibberrish. HOT!
Harvey Specter; The Best closer in New York. PLEASE OPEN ME!
Mike and his eidetic memory… Hot!Hot!Hot!

Who remembers how weirdly attractive. We found ‘Alan Shore (BostonLegal) and Theodore Bagwell (Prison Break)

*fans self*
*drinks chilled coke*

The Geeks have risen and they are not backing down. I was having a conversation with a full blown NERD the other day and by having a conversation, I was just staring at his mouth move, while he rattled on and on, jumping from one topic to another and I just wanted to sit on his face, so he could recite Nigeria’s states and capitals backwards, like he claimed he could… *aherm*

And I know he can….oh Yes he can
This is a warning!

Sapiosexuality is REAL and dangerous. Mind stimulation is the greatest turn-on.

You’ll just realise you really don’t have ‘a type’ and you are reading books just to keep up with his ‘massive’ intellect.

You know that saying ‘I want to pick your brains’
Well it just became very sexual

Remember Biology….the central nervous system, Autonomic Nervous systems, Chemical Synapses?
Your Brain is where it all goes down, then travels down your spine and sends ‘messages’ to every nerve ending in your body! (Neurons, synapses responding to stimuli)
YUP! They are on to us. They are no longer shy and antisocial. The winner takes all,
Cos like I always say, it’s all in the mind
Pretty boys are an added advantage, Hot body….. JACKPOT!
The weirdest and most disturbing thing about sexual attraction to a Geek, Nerd or Dork is… At first glance, they look normal, unattractive even and if you saw this same person on the street, you wouldn’t even give him a second glance.
With his weird sense of fashion and probably his geek rims, they know this, so you know what they do, they proceed to have a conversation with you

NOTE: When I say Geek, Nerd, Dork. I am not talking about just vast knowledge of Video games, comics and Pop culture, I am talking Philosophy, Anatomy, Geography, Politics, History. The Proper book worm.
As soon as he opens his mouth,your brain instructs you to start Kegel exercises in that instant! Because this Dork is getting lucky and you don’t even know it yet. CHECKMATE!
Mind Stimulation!! Women! Its all in the mind!

Pray to God in Heaven, you do not encounter one. Ahh! Oh yeah..Have an awesome hump day….

*Scarlet needs to jump in the shower*