The Scarlet Diaries: Battle of the Sexes

This is one battle that will never be won, too much fraternizing with the ‘enemy’ (by enemy I mean the opposite sex; by fraternize I mean sex)
As a woman, I’ll write from MY views…
So I was at the salon the other day and I overhead some girls ‘gisting‘, even in hush tones I knew it was interesting gist so I listened.

  • Girl A : Men eh!!! Na wah oh, so he just started behaving like nothing happened after how amazing the sex was?
  • Girl B : Yes oh. Whenever I called him, he would answer sounding all business like, nonchalant or he is driving or in a meeting.
  • Girl A: sorry dear, I know you liked this one, at least you got yours *giggles* Na wah Men are so annoying.
  • Girl B: I swear I am not even bothered; I am so done with him and Men in general!

At this point I almost chipped in ‘Honey, not by a long shot’ which would have been rewarded with a shitstorm of insults or even a slap, so I scoffed LOUDLY and returned to the Nollywood I was watching.
Let’s be honest, the truth now; lie it down on the table or floor, or bed, or even nail it against a wall … Sorry. The truth is, if amazing sex guy calls girl b, she’ll go see him, like sheep to slaughter, like the proverbial moth to a flame…. You know why? Good sex

Good sex is unbelievably Hard… Difficult  to find and she(Girl B) is probably thinking of all the deeply sick things, non-chalant/amazing sex guy did to her and she is thinking of getting some more of that drug.

*np Pusher Love Girl -Justin Timberlake*

She’ll probably not say this to her friend and her friend might be in this EXACT situation…lol
Then imagine if it was mind-altering sex…Ah! You know that kind that returns your brain to the original factory setting and you forget how to form words.
That kind of sex that turns you to a heap of Flesh, bone and sweat. I call this particular ‘drug’ LSD (the ick is silent of course)
What is LSD?
You can’t tell me, you’ve never had LSDICK! That’s the ish (I’ll get back to this)
So where was I?
Oh yeah.. the Battle of the Sexes

So even if by some miracle, men and women form same sex alliance to take down the other side… I am so sneaking off to go fraternize with the enemy. Women reading this, stop rumpling face jo! You know I speak the truth.
We have partially won all the other wars; Females go to school, vote, females are leading nations
But the day a woman won’t be judged for having a voracious sexual appetite will NEVER come. The Feminine Version for the word ‘Stud’ is Ho, it’s unfortunate but true, so instead of all this ‘battle of the sexes’ let’s ease off all that stress with good ol’ sex. Life is already too serious as it is. Pretense and Prudence won’t get you some, so please fraternize as much as possible. Those memories will keep you company when you are old and grey.

As for my Darling Men, I love you guys, but you are a serious thorn in my flesh and a Pain in my behind *pun unintended or intended if you are into that sort of thing*
You know why? Subtlety isn’t in your dictionary, of all the things that I know that upsets women, it’s that feeling of being used and discarded, not saying I don’t like being used.. Lol! Just don’t toss me. Maybe because as a man you lack this inherent ability, and we were probably too busy ripping off each other’s clothes to discuss, the ‘benefits’ of our agreement.. Still… Don’t run….

Let me let u in on a secret, it’s easier than you think. I am assuming Girl B is above consenting age, so all I want to say is… ‘Wean’.
Withdrawal syndrome is the reason some women get all psycho-bitch and crazy, Wean her of LSD don’t cut her off like a diseased part of fruit.. That shit isn’t cool. If the sex was good then it can’t be so horrible to give her a taste a few more times. Oh wait, you tell her you have a girlfriend and don’t want to hurt either one of them, it was a mistake, blah blah blah, no one slips and falls into a vagina..

or do they?
or do they?

Nope, it is a conscious effort to cheat (if that is in fact the truth). I think that Men have run out of reasons to dump a woman, but let me just say it is cruel to just stop answering her calls or replying her messages.. Wean her off you, if you were meeting every day, change it to 3 times a week, then once week, if you reduce the attention you are giving her, she will look for attention elsewhere and in time… Of course there is a risk that she’s fall deeper and deeper in love with you, the neglect might be a turn on for  some (Awesome Turn-on for most..LOL, but then that’s the small fine print)
Oh wait, I have another solution, I know men like to be all macho and be the best in the sack but maybe just maybe start doing rubbish.. Oh shit, women talk… she’ll spoil your market. Na wah oh there really is no middle ground with this.. At the end of the day, the truth is, our heads turn to mush when it comes to the opposite sex, there really isn’t one way to deal with everyone. Maybe in his mind being distant is a good way to go, cruel as it is. It works. Weeks will pass by and the girl will forget that amazing sex from LSD and move on….(This story is far from over)
I have digressed so much I have forgotten what I was talking about… Oh yeah! Fraternizing oh so sweetly with the other side..Going Rouge! Switching sides and positions… Ok,  I am done

Men! Women!ENJOY!! The little pleasures of life
If he/she becomes distant,move on! There should be some other dude out there willing to slip and fall into some naughtiness *wink* wink*
Have an awesome hump day(Wednesday)


Scarlett’s Diary: Wedding Blues, Woes and everything between

The last time I remember being an active participant at a wedding was at age 6, I was my 2nd cousin’s little bride. It was all smiles and people pinching my cheeks telling me how much prettier than the bride I looked.

That was 20-odd something years ago, this is now and story don change
So I recently (by recently I mean a year and some months ago)  attended another cousin’s wedding and he somehow cornered me into reading his intention letter in front of both families and guests at the Traditional Wedding (Like seriously an intention letter?)!!  I managed not to mess it up and assumed I was in the clear. I was wrong because I had at least 3 aunts and an Uncle on my case as to why I was over 25 and still single and unmarried.

The day of the White wedding came, I managed to evade 2 of my aunts and my uncle who all started the conversation with ..”Ah, so when are we coming for yours”. Unfortunately it was a wedding with no alcohol; no wine, no champagne, no hard liquor, just juice, water and Eva grape juice or is it wine Nigerians call it?…..(msschew!) . The things we do for family, include attending a wedding without booze and deep down I knew it was going to be a long day.

The devil’s chocolate cake for dessert could only do so much, so I got to the juice bar and the waiter made something colourful for me, Chapman he called it. Chapman without Campari is just juice and cucumbers to me… In my opinion.

The thought of that day still gives me the hibbie-gibbies. Anywho, on my way back to the high table,  Aunt number 3 cuts me off, commented on how pretty I looked (might I add, I looked HOT that day) and before I knew it she was saying things like ‘ reproductive peak’ and a woman shriveling up after age 30. I had the look of utter disbelief and shock, now I really wish I could be smoking what she was high on because I couldn’t deal. I tried to leave but the woman no gree oh she held on to my hand refusing to let go. I practically peeled her off my arm and dashed back to my seat and there I hid there till the Vote of Thanks…

I later found a bottle of vodka under the table (probably one of the groom’s men hid it). You know the rest.

So now, I avoid weddings because if you think these emotional land mines only happen at family meetings or occasions then, you are most definitely a learner.

Engaged, married friends and acquaintances have joined the ‘let’s-make-our-single-friends-feel -bad’ bandwagon, after all I am single by choice abi? As far as they know, I have turned down bridesmaid’s offers more times this year than I care to remember. Even friends’ of family I haven’t spoken to in ages want me as a bridesmaid. The hen night, the dresses, the shoes, accessories. Sheesh! I donate tonnes of money (that I don’t have BTW) to your martial bliss and all I get is “Don’t worry,your time will come”. Who said I am looking to get married now? And if I am, kindly leave that job to the relatives!!

Don’t get me started on the bouquet toss, that is now a compulsory subject! I mean the MC now makes the bride call out her single friends. Hian!! With Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies‘  always in the background!! Next time Beyonce comes on, I am out of that reception hall. Rubbish!
Even the garter tradition, has been almost phased out or was never a thing in Naija as far as I know.

So please, I beg you,if you feel sorry for me, please by all means get me a deluxe suite(complete with a mini bar) for the after wedding party, hook me up with a hot, interested groom’s man with sociopathic tendencies when it comes to sex. That will do just fine in comforting my ‘single, sad self’  and if he turns out to be THE ONE..JACKPOT!!
I guess Scarlet just won the Lottery.



Image credit to Bonkersycrax 

Scarlet Writes: Douchebaggery Theory

We are all douche bags  Every last one of us…I had this epiphany over my cup of triple shot espresso with lots of sugar ( 5 sachets of Nescafe and 4 cubes of sugar). Even the sweetest soul is a douche bag within, it’s just lying there latent waiting for the right circumstance to rear its disgusting head and make people want to pelt you with pure water bags or stones.
The question of the day

[quote]’Have you hugged your inner douche bag today?'[/quote]
What? I am not making sense?, you sure? Ok.. Permit me to open the moi-moi wraps around your mind.
Are you telling me, that in your adult years, I said adults because kids are another breed of not so angelic and they know it.. Lol
In your adult years, you haven’t done something intentional,that was so awful that you wanted to smack yourself ? In a non-sexual way of course? Be Honest!!!
People Lie, People steal,People cheat, people gossip and our excuse for this…
‘I am Human’
“YES YOU ARE”! You are also hard wired to survive and if surviving means doing whatever necessary then YES!  You have done some douchey things at the expense of others,and you didn’t care, even if you did you didn’t let it show,maybe because you were too proud or maybe cause you are jerk naturally and you can’t help yourself. So you see
We are all Douchebags!
*mind unwrapped, grabs fork* Oh,sorry *drops fork*
So I ask again
‘Have you hugged your inner douche bag today’?,have you accepted the fact that you can’t control these things sometimes and you just have to let it slide?
Oh! Don’t beat yourself up..or you could *wink*
So please embrace that asshole in you,hug it, caress it, own it *mental slap*
Ok! I am rambling at this point. I wish you all a Happy Hump Day (wednesday). Get over that hump, smile… The day after tomorrow is Friday *grins*
I see a lot of douchey behavior this weekend YOLO! *dodges koi-koi shoe*


Image credit: Tech In Asia

Miss Meddle’s Mind: So You Think You Can Date?

Be careful what you wish for, ‘cos you just might get it. And when you do, it may not be all you cracked it up to be.

So you get to that point in your life when you feel you’ve fooled around long enough, and it’s best for your health to try to have an actual relationship. OK. Enter possible partners. Watch yourself fixate on the absolutely intolerable habits of each new person who comes your way.

[unordered_list style=”red-x”]

  • This one smokes, and doesn’t look like someone who appreciates drastic lifestyle changes.
  • That one is of a different religious inclination and you simply cannot put up with such a wide gap in belief systems.
  • Bobo e has an eye that positively glints when anything female passes within a 50 mile radius.
  • This sisi will run you into an early financial grave if given half the chance.


Wouldn’t this be awesome?

An alternate title for this post would be: The Big “But”.

You find someone who seems relatively normal, who is of the same religious inclination, who you are certain you could introduce to your family at some point down the line without being laughed out of the house, someone who meets at least some of your physical specs, a creature with tangible goals and visible struggles to attain said goals, but

But he doesn’t make you laugh, or she doesn’t turn you on (this is me making a joke; this is near impossible for a healthy man), or he’s unforgivably short, or she has a cruel H-factor accent…


Another title for this post could be “Self-Sabotage”.

What is the problem, really? Is your little “reason” enough to let go of a rather “okay” person? Or is it something else? Maybe a little more baggage than most? Maybe just a fear of the unknown? An unwillingness to try out something… someONE new?


This weird post is really just me trying to figure out some things. And also find out if anyone out there goes through such complications in the Man-Woman things of life.


God grant us all the patience to sift through possibilities, the tolerance to endure the compromisable, the strength to walk away from the destructive, and the wisdom to tell the difference.