The Scarlet Diaries: Diplomatic Bedding

Don’t let the title fool you, I am in no way getting into the politics of this country,I’ll need more than just one post, every other day of the week.
Today I am talking about diplomacy in the Bedroom. What to say,what not to say and OMG! You said what?! Where do we draw the line?
Personally, I am a firm believer of action and saying what needs to be said, its better to say too much, than never having to say what you need to say. Sorry Mr. Mayer couldn’t resist..
[quote style=”boxed”]And my opinion is, If the sex is shit….. SPEAK UP! TALK IT! SAY IT! (Don’t oh!)[/quote]
Keep reading I’ll get there….

“Performance is Key,Size is an Illusion.” Quote me anywhere.

Do you know how many people walking around feeling like Kratos and Aphrodite?
They think they fell from Mount Olympus all because of being tactful, diplomatic?
‘Don’t say anything, you’ll bruise his ego or shrivel it’
‘She’ll scratch out your eyes, curse your generation’
E dey pain, I know, but there are ways these problems can be solved. Don’t go about cursing people oh, and say Scarlet sent you…LOL!
Think about it
‘Were those moans real’?
‘Were his grunts out of frustration cos you lay down there like a log of wood’?
One minute men KNOW! So do soggy noodles women…. I am sorry.
Wouldn’t you want to know how good you are in the sack? I would!!! If there was a Shag-o-meter I’ll probably have several.
That’s the performance part

Now the size part, this is tricky and another ball game. (Pun)
Because minus going under the knife, there is really no other way to enhance parts. We are all wonderfully and beautifully made.
So picture this, he is behind doing his thing and keeps trying to jiggle her behind. Dude! It won’t jiggle, she has a small behind!
The constant insults A-cups receive, it’s not their fault naaa..
Or imagine he drops trouser and u don’t know whether to ( -̩̩̩͡˛ -̩̩̩͡ ), pet it, giggle or beg to just cuddle.
Let’s face it, you have to know when you aren’t errrrm… Huge? Male or Female
And if you do,you better have skills, and if its too errrm big, there are ways around it #punveryintended
When people say
‘I don’t watch porn, it’s immoral, it’s funny, it’s not a turn on; blah blah blah but you are sexually active..See MUMU!!!
Yes I said it!
For those who do, google ‘Asa Akira’ she is the best thing from Japan since samurai…and hentai.
Anyways, I read Cosmopolitan like a maniac, because what is worth doing is worth doing well….YES? Hell Yes! 50 shades of Grey might be smut! But we all learnt a thing or too after reading it (for those who did).
Because there is nothing worst than after being plummed for hours, he falls asleep and you are lying there feeling cheated and frustrated. Or she has the body of Serena Williams, twerks like a video vixen and in the sack, you might as well inflate a doll and cuddle. Marriages and relationships have ended because of bad coitus, it is a BIG deal, sha I blame it on the previous people they’ve been with #justsaying

Life compensates,if you aren’t well-endowed,make up for it in mad skills and techniques. If you are well packaged male or female, doesn’t mean because you have the parts you won’t prove your ‘selling point‘. Some men think cause they are hung, they don’t need skills…… errrr WRONG! Same with women with racks the size of Russia and booty for miles.
Lady/Gentleman in the streets,Freak in the sheets…
Bentley and Danfo, dey go mechanic for ‘engine-tuning’
If you are of consenting age,sexually active or hyperactive
Remember this
Performance is Key, Size is an illusion’
Porn(movies,books etc) isn’t perverse, Kama sutra  isn’t unnecessary
Cosmopolitan( magazines not cocktail) isn’t trash, No Knowledge is wasted

Thank me later



Image credit to QueerIV and What She Said Boston

Scarlet Diaries: This Val’s Day

This year’s val’s day couldn’t have come at a better time. A day after Ash Wednesday? Day 2 into lent. Haahahahhahahahaha! No meat of any kind. *chokes*
Ahem, so the question as to what you are giving up for lent pops up; will this be the test of your relationship and your spirituality? *GhenGhen*
Us single folks are here grinning from ear to ear,most of you might still carry ash on your forehead and go out pre Val’s day. God is watching you,it is the Lenten Period! Alcohol,Sex,Caffeine; top three things to give up for lent….*chuckles*
Personally I have never been a fan of Val’s Day. It’s irritating, pointless and overrated. It’s not a real holiday, you don’t get the day off and Lagos traffic takes a script right from hell. The most annoying part is people have forgotten the true meaning of St. Valentine’s Day. Here are some random points..

  1. Did you know there is mandatory mass for all Catholics on Valentine’s day?
  2. Did you know who Saint Valentine was?
  3. Did you know that Saint Valentine was a man who risked it all to marry lovers in secret and also gave all his belonging to charity?

Google is your friend do your research!
Or, you probably do and don’t care.
For Me, Love is in the air, but not the kind that happens in modern day,its not just cause I am single, I just don’t care.
This year, like every other year, there will be no chocolates,cards or Flowers because as far as I am concerned Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark scam. Every Day is a Saints day. There are over 365 saints and yet no day is as overrated as Saint Valentine’s Day,and even the significance of the day is lost,why really do you celebrate ‘Saint Valentine’s day’?
*adjusts judging spectacles*

There is probably an organisation made up solely of Card makers,florists and chocolate companies, trying to keep this farce of a ‘holiday’ relevant.

Oh and the Hampers are just another excuse to spend hard earned cash. Oh by the way BBM isn’t helping my distaste for this day.
No! I do not want to buy hampers filled with sex accessories. Chocolate bars have been replaced with edibles body paint,whips,fluffy handcuffs, vibrating devices,blindfolds,clamps,edible underwear, roll of condoms 10ft long! Jeeez, have you looked into those hampers???? Its like Pandora’s Box.
The chocolate and card people won’t be happy.
How did Val’s day morph from a day of celebrating love to Sex toys and sexual deviance? Like Christmas,y’all have turned Val’s day to something else.. I weep!

What happened to tacky ‘be my val cakes’?

Even Satan is shaking his head at your behavior  Naughty,Naughty humans. Stop it! Don’t even imagine it. Yeah,Yeah. I know Sex sells but still! if you must celebrate this day,Forget your significant others for once, send a card to your Mom,Dad, buy chocolates for your Family members,Send a big ass Chocolate cake friend to your Sister,or even your bestie who is in #teamforeveralone.(We aren’t always single by choice) just saying. Take your Brothers to the movies or Dinner, go to an Orphanage and spend time with those less privileged because that right there is real LOVE. Your significant other can show you love some other time in the 364 days of the year.
In my opinion.
What are your views on what Val’s Day has become?


The X List

Show of hands, how many of you also feel like Vinnie my man is gauging the size and weight of a pair of boobs? Anyone? No? Nobody? Really? OK
Most people who know me well know that virtually everything holds a double meaning for me. How I carry on normal conversations each day without laughing out loud or going “Oouuh” in a meaningful way is really beyond me.
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, love, romance and (let’s face it), gbainshing, I decided to share my point of view with y’all. ‘Cos I’m just that nice. Or is it naughty? Only Santa can tell, and the guy isn’t even real. Conundrum.
It’s so bad that a friend and I have a steadily growing list of words which we absolutely cannot say to each other; they are just that dirty in a coded way. Here’s a rundown of some of them.
Hmm. My uncle once repeatedly used this word and I felt my heart beat faster as I grew hideously uncomfortable. I couldn’t escape though; we were in a moving car that was straddling a small gully in the road *covers face*
Hot (Oouuhh)
Come (To be used carefully and with the right tone of voice)
Open (As above)
Penetrate (As above)
Head (smh)
Rub (Looooooooolz)
Rod *covering face and blushing*
Err… the list is endless o, and I sense a lot of people backing away slowly and giving me the fish eye. Let the matter rest here. Maybe it will rise (another one!) again some other day.
Feel free to share yours sha. Cheers.


Forgive me for the abandonment. Erm… Yes. Thanks. 🙂

His Majesty has imported another woman. Yes. While I want to welcome her and stretch out a hand of friendship”, as they say, I also want to remind him of Lola Shoneyin’s The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives. He thought he was extra masculine by surrounding himself with his wives and their numerous kids. Turns out, none of said children were his.
*e-vil laugh*


image credit

Scarlet Writes: Getting that number

Dear Diary,

*slaps self* What am I? 12?!

So,lately I have been trying a couple of ‘social experiments’ ; nothing too naughty or out of the ordinary. Just trying to understand social interactions more thanks to boredom and curiosity,more importantly because I owe it to myself and thousands of women and Men out there.
Una no send me I know sha. And yeah, you’ll probably hate me for this..

So there I was sitting at the waiting area of  the cinema. My friend was running late, I was getting bored, the smell of popcorn and movie previews playing on various screens on an endless loop was too much of a distraction to read a book or even fake it; reading a book (before your minds go far), I mean. So I just watched people around; couples holding hands, friends in groups talking a little too audibly, trying to decide what to see and then one or two loners.
It was a Friday night, most movie goers were either waiting for the traffic to ease off before finding their way home or to some party. TGIF!!!! But then I digress
I was still scanning the area, sipping my now warm bottle of coke when I saw him; average height, a tad timid in his gait, but he was easy on the eyes. He had a backpack in hand as he requested his movie, he looked like a lost puppy, he turned looked around spotted the empty chair beside me and made a beeline for it.
He didn’t ask, he just looked at me and I gestured the seat was empty.
He sat there for about 5 mins staring at his ticket.
Had he never been to the movies?
I felt like I had to talk to him. I should talk to him, shouldn’t I? I was thinking
‘What are you seeing? I ask finally
He looks at me, surprised at first that I was talking to him
Sorry, me?
Yes, I asked what you were seeing, I reply laughing.
Oh sorry …’Lincoln’
‘Nice, Spielberg. Alone? I ask again
Yes. He looked a little uneasy.
But I continue talking making sure I hold his gaze.
‘Lincoln is a serious movie, I wouldn’t want to go there with people asking questions. I remember seeing total recall with a bunch of girls I was saying and smiling.
Exactly! He smiles back
For the next 30 mins, we gist about a lot of random stuff. For one why he is seeing the movie alone.
A lot of laughing,smiling. If you didn’t know us you would thing we were old friends.
My phone finally buzzes, my ride is here I announce cheerily.
He is getting up too, because his movie is about to start,I pick up my stuff, linger for a bit and ask for his number.
He recites his digits, I don’t bother flashing, I say I’ll call him.
And I approach the stairs
I hit DELETE. Smile one last time at him and I leave.



Women, this scenario ring any bells?
You meet a guy, you hit it way off and you think
‘He is soooo gonna call and he never does.

And you are left wondering what went wrong.
Did he get hit by a Bus?
Is he in a ditch somewhere?
Was he an Alien or was he abducted by Aliens?
The Questions are countless
The truth is maybe he was just bored, saw bored looking girl alone at the movies, and decided to talk to her.
That’s why I did it. But we’ll never know, will we?
Not everything is a mind game,Most times the most obvious answer to a solution is usually the answer.
Its not like I am taking sides or pulling some philosophically crap from thin air or maybe I am. Lol
But the truth is Human Behavior is something we will never get to understand.
The answer to the question ‘Why didn’t he call’
Simple – he was just being courteous and polite when he asked for your Digits.
What are your views?
And one more Jamb Question. Is this Real or a figment of my imagination?

Being a Gentleman

Being a dignified gentleman is not about how much you have to give as much as it is the desire to give however much or little you do have – Jane Helpern

Now first of all (not introduction), that very day(Valentine’s Day if you did not get the memo) is now 10 days away. This means we have 10 days of (for us single or near single people) walking around with our eyes, ears and lips closed. Praying earnestly for the 15th of February to come because it means that once again we can have relative peace. People will be talking about their partners, their spouses and what they intend to do for them. On that very day I can see myself sitting down quietly at my desk working, while the colleagues, will be opening packages received and planning sweaty, romantic nights and weekends. We all know the drill. 9 months from now there will be a plethora of babies and it will be another year gone by without my dreams of Lil’ Miss Sunshine coming to fruition. Continue reading Being a Gentleman