How to lose a Girl…

Yes I wrote this with two movies in mind, How to lose a Guy in 10days and How to Lose Friends and Alienate people. You see, they were good movies, made some money, caused some laughs and all. However I do not believe most of that stuff works with us African people. I do believe all that stuff is for white people (no offence to anyone). I have done worse things to my friends and to Jane Doe and most of them still love me. I do believe that Nigerians in general are very tolerant people. However I have discovered some definite no-no’s that a typical Naija babe will flinch and the diehard ones take off. Here they are in no particular order if you really need to shake her off, give them a go

  1. Tell her you want to sleep with her. If she looks at you wondering what on earth is wrong with you, offer to pay her. If she has the guts to consider that, my guy, tell her that you want it really kinky, if she still offers to do that, use the toilet window.
  2. If you schedule a date with her, don’t show up. If she calls tell her you forgot because you were playing games ALONE! (the alone word is very important. She will form understanding if you got carried away while you were with your friends)
  3. She sends you on an errand to deliver a letter to that her aunt who she thinks is all and all (the aunt probably is). Please, spill some ogbono soup on the letter. Three drops should do the trick.
  4. Ask all her friends out, don’t wait for them to tell her, tell her by yourself.
  5. Sleep with her sister, then seriously hit on her cousins.
  6. The first time you meet her folks, say wassup to her father, then tell him to “chop knuckle”
  7. You have an appointment with her mother, don’t show up. And don’t bother to call to explain why. Repeat over and over again, but get her to schedule those times.
  8. Make her understand you have no plans of marrying at all.
  9. Tell her you are a drug dealer, yahoo yahoo guy… You get the drift
  10. Tell everyone you have slept with her…
  11. To be continued… (I have to work)

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Try any of the above at your own risk some babes know Cynthia Rothrock

Please, still looking for a female blogger I can assist here. If you know anyone, Holla

Bach Eves, Weddings and Things…

Been suffering from internet deficiency syndrome for some days now. In case you don’t know what that means, it is ones inability to get some net browsage over a period of 3days. It drives me bonkers. Maybe that’s why I have been having a case of theories. Oh yes, case of theories happens when I immediately suspect everything that happens around me. Without much ado, let me dive into my post.

I had the misfortune to attend two weddings in a row on Saturday (here’s me hoping none of them ever read this post, I would just die). Wouldn’t you marry? That’s the question I hear in your mind dear reader. Yes I will, but then if I had my way I would marry on a Tuesday just me and my dearest and then spirit her away for the next two weeks for intense coupling to mention a few (there my mind goes again). Ahem… Where was I…?

Had the misfortune to attend two weddings on Saturday but my misery did not start there. My misery started when I decided to attended the Bach Eve scheduled the night before. Here are my theories on the entire weekend.

  1. If you walk into a Bach Eve or any other party and you see many men wait a bit. If after 15 minutes you only see more men trooping in, GO HOME IMMEDIATELY!! Applies to all sexes
  2. Too many men, too much alcohol, too few ladies and you are poised for a borderline disaster movie.
  3. Like the stories I heard before I did my NYSC, on the amount of sex that goes on in there (all false), Bach Eves are overhyped events scheduled to make married men feel special (an opportunity for them to touch and squeeze properties aside from the ones they left at home). They are not planned in anyway to benefit the groom or single brothers in the house. I SHALL NOT HAVE A BACH EVE!!!
  4. If you are a wedding crasher (there only for the chicks) analyse the bride carefully before you attend the wedding. If she is on the average, kindly avoid the wedding. No bride wants any babe to outshine her on her wedding day. Chances are that if you meet a fine babe there, she is either cousin, sister or taken. AVOID!!! In mathematical terms… The beauty of the bride is directly proportional to the number of fine single babes you will encounter in the wedding
  5. I believe that bankers and people in the financial industrial, make the most use of the red light district. They follow closely behind law enforcement personnel

Would say more, but then I think that covers my opinions on the whole wedding things.. That aside, I can’t wait for mine and I do hope it happens sometime soon.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: This is a totally rubbish post written out of boredom. In my bid to have something online I tried to pen down all the random thoughts and theories I thought up over the weekend. Please forgive me for putting you through this.

Notice: Now looking for Single Nigerian Woman/Girl to pen down her thoughts and add some women flava to this whole thing.. No I will not hit on you (I promise)

Baskets of Eggs…

Writing this post makes me remember A “Forest of Flowers” by Ken Saro Wiwa (God rest his soul), funny book that cracked me up silly. I remember two wise old sayings, “a bird in hand is worth two in the bush” and “don’t put all your eggs in one basket“. If you ask me today those are two quite conflicting statements if applied to chasing and toasting babes. Two conflicting statements that guys tend to apply to the same situations. Hmmm… Before I confuse myself and start speaking Mandarin, let me take it down some levels..

Lets take a typical guy, call him Specimen A (no link to the music group), he meets a nice looking girl, gets to toasting and actually likes her. Now all through the toasting Specimen A applies the first wise saying (1ws) toasts the bird in hand and leaves all the birds in the bush to catch the one so near at hand. However the minute Specimen A gets his precious birdie he applies 2ws, he puts his precious birdie in his basket and proceeds to chase all the birds in the bush. Now if that was the end of the story it would be good. However, dear Specimen A has a series of baskets lined up and he has decided that he must have a bird/egg in each and every one of them. Catch my drift?

I have tried to wrap my mind around this for a while now, I mean I have only space for one bird in my heart (God bless her soul) and while that bird remains there, I have no intention of doing bush waka. I mean its probably just me but then chasing a bird is actually stress. Talkless of 2 or 3 in the bush (shuo) that one pass government work because na still you go pay for the chase. Now for the men spreading their eggs around, chasing all the birds in the bush and getting away with it, I will say well done una try. As for me I refuse to either put all my eggs in one basket or spread them around in different baskets. If I catch any egg, na to boil am chop, Finish!!! No negotiation, no pricing. Why cry over a broken egg you could have fried and eaten?

As for birds… Hmmm. That is a story for another day.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: None!!!

First Impressions!!

Dear Blogville, So I did it, I broke my blog and then unbroke it, it doesn’t look quite perfect yet, but well, it will have to do. Will do some more tweaking in the following weeks, just hope I don’t broke it again. Hope y’all don’t freak out too much when you visit.

Now on to the post…

They say “First Impressions” count for much, but I never really believed much of it till recently. For me normally, I act based on my mood the first time I meet someone, if its a guy, the needle rolls around; polite, friendly, distant or nonchalant. If na babe however the needle rolls around; polite, flirty, interested, uninterested and pick race immediately. So you might meet me and your first impression of me would be nothing near who I actually am. It has always worked for me, I have never minded… Till recently.

Let the following story be a lesson to you dear readers, that first impressions do count…

Extract from 8 years ago

I pretty much lived a nonsense life back in my undergrad days, alcohol, some drugs and some women mixed with plenty night activities. It was a normal thing to end up with a random girl for the night, have quick ones in the car and generally live useless lives (when I look back at those times). Now the next morning me and my friends usually drove down to the nearest town to get our heads back from wherever we dropped them the night before. I remember that morning like it was yesterday.. After a particularly wild night in our bid to get our heads back, our dear friend rolls up in his car to pick us up. On entering his car we noticed something in his back seat and on closer examination we saw that it was a red pant (I shit you not). As if that was not enough, my dear friend proceeded to explain to us who the girl was, and when we did not understand, took us to her room and literally showed her to us (as in). Why is this coming up? Hmmm…

If you must screw yourself over, make sure you use protection.. If you didn’t understand that here is another one… If you must crap in your pants, ensure it doesn’t smell.

I met the girl last month and although she did not know who I was, I knew very well who she was (8 years later). We think first impressions only occur when we actually meet someone? As in introduction and things? Believe me some people started hearing your gist 4 years before they actually met you. Yes it has happened to me several times. Find below an excerpt of two different conversations I have had

Scene 1

Dangerous looking guy: Hey

Me: Sup

Dangerous looking guy: You are John right?

Me: Yeah

Dangerous looking guy: Just hailing

Me: Ok, cheers.. (and I took off)

Scene 2

Relative: John Doe?

Me: Yeah, who are you?

Relative: You mean you don’t know me? How is your son?

Me: *blank stare* (thinking: oh shit not again)

Relative: I am your relative

Me: Ooooh, sorry sir (kindly piss off let me be on my way)

Point being that anyone and everyone might have an impression of you without you actually doing anything to deserve it. Moral being, if it breathes, it has gist, if it stinks, the gist will most definitely go round.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: This is actually a test post, it looks like total bollocks to me, please don’t use it as a first impression for this site, there are worse posts.

Please comments on new site structure are very welcome. I need am badly so I don’t feel like I wasted loads of time here.

Oh yes, all references to my real life status have now been deleted.. Can’t have people linking all this stuff to me. NEVER!!

Image credit

Before you say I do…

I always had the impression growing up that it would be easy.. All you would have to do is go down on one knee and pop the question, and the answer will be most likely yes. I have been to countless weddings (lie, I hate weddings).. Sorry, I have been to a couple of weddings, watched countless movies, heard plenty gist and testimonies and really and truly, they make things look so easy. I now know better. They lied, each and every one of them, movies don’t capture thought processes. They lied when they said they just knew you would be the one, they probably lied when they say God told them, they lied when they said it was easy. The only truth I have heard was from my pastor and to me now , it was only partial, because he freaked out only after “she” said yes.

This is by far the most difficult decision I have ever had to make, the decision to ask you to marry me. I have visioned it a thousand times, a thousand times a thousand and it was always romantic, in it you always said yes, in it, everything was perfect. In real life however, I am freaked out, so many things are running through my mind.

I remember the first night we spent together, we talked all night different topics, random things. Time stood still when we were together, we created our own world. I remember the day I knew it was you, back at the beginning, I heard it clearly and I felt it too. I remember the countless fights we had, the little one, the big ones and the playful ones. We have come so far been through so much together that we could literally be married. So why am I so scared? Why am I quietly freaking out?

I am scared that I am not good enough, scared of failing you. Scared I am not ready, scared of what the future would hold. I have always believed that before starting out on a journey, a man should be prepared for whatever the future could hold, he should be ready to cater for his family, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I do not think I am ready.

I am scared of what your answer would be, that regardless of all we have been together, I am scared your answer would be no.

Do I love you? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Yes to both, every single time. However, all the love and all my desires are not helping me, not today, not since the last time I saw you. I saw you and everything changed, we have been apart for so long that I feel that the bond we once had has seriously weakened. The man is supposed to be the strong person, supposed to reassure the woman, make her feel secure, knowing that he is always there. Lies! All lies!! I now believe every single one of us freaked out just a little bit before the question. The ones that didn’t, had ulterior motives.

Dear Jane Doe,

If you ever read this (I know I chased you away with one angry post I wrote), know this… You are the only one that knows how I truly feel about you apart from me. And you are the only one that knows how hard I find it to describe my true feelings. I am not perfect, I might not be many people’s version of ideal. There are many things lacking in my life that I am yet to get. Freaking out is an understatement of how I feel but underneath it all, my feelings for you have not changed in the 6 years I have known you. I may have buried it for a while, hidden it for a while but it is all there, from the first day till date.

I am freaking out, I have been freaking out all weekend and all week and I have been trying to hide it and I am failing, its only a matter of time before it starts showing.

Regards

John Doe

Disclaimer: Women in general like to assume we are cold calculating people who have the answers to almost everything. Have it all planned out. Men cry, men die, men freak out just like you, they just hide it better (makes me wonder about the Men from Mars and Women from Venus thing). If you by any chance know Jane Doe, please keep this from her.

MsLuffa is this good enough to classify as part of the Jane Doe chronicles?