Burning rubber: The condom trialogue…

Nonsense mode activated, celibacy mode on, foolishness in full swing and here I go…

Its another weekend gone, the last weekend in the third quarter and looking back at all the months, what have I achieved? Partial madness I would say, though even that is gradually dissipating. Unlike in 2008/2009/2010 where I could have pointed out different things I had achieved, this year I have nothing to show. Maybe that is as a result of working for the Nigerian government *shrugs*.

Its 12pm and I am already done with work, direct cause of Decided to use this extra time to do a totally useless post. I have heard of “the vagina monologues” and God knows there are a lot of men who only think with their penises (is that the plural?), so I can honestly say that both parties are covered. However there is a 3rd party (the kid) which people rarely talk about and a 4th party which no one ever talks about. Today dear 4th Party, it is your turn.

Now if Forbes were to do an analysis on the most bought item on the planet, what would you think it would be? Bought in terms of the numbers. I think a condom is bought almost every minute on the planet. Yeah I know they come in packs of 3, 2, 6 and above but if you take the average rate, I think it makes it at least 1 every minute. Scary thoughts. Googling condom analysis brings up topics ranging from; what the pope said to latex vs non latex, self efficacy studies (whatever the heck that means) and some other boring topics that sincerely and frankly make me want to sleep.

Firstly I would like to blame you Mr. Condom for the increased sexual activity now trending all over the world. Before it became normal to walk into a “grocery” store and buy a condom men and women worldwide were scared of “unwanted” pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and the likes. The condom took all that away.

Its not ok to blame the product without screaming at the creators. Although condoms have been in use for ages, the past 60 years has seen an increase in knowledge of existence and its usage. Thanks to television, magazines and the internet. Condoms are now available to people of all ages and classes *sigh*

Gone are the days when one would feel shy about going to buy condoms. Gone are the days where abstinence was the best protection. Gone are the days when people refused to understand why anyone would want to have more than one partner, gone are the days when being a virgin was a thing of pride.Did I say this was going to be a rubbish post? I lied. I remember when zip up was the thing in the late 90s abi early 2000 (can’t remember). Teens all over the country used to sing it with pride “zip zip zip up“, I remember that vividly. That was then. That was before Durex, RoughRiders and all the flavours, ribbed very thin and all. Just like the company Apple after the creation of the Ipod, Condoms exploded in this country.

Now I might be old fashioned but do you see anything wrong with this picture?  I do, now before today I thought this made sense, but really, can you tell your little daughter to practise safe sex? Really? How safe is sex of any form? Knowing the physical, emotional and other implications?

How about this picture? We all believe our kids should have phones, right now I have a phone in my bag for him and I am having serious thoughts about it.

Now why am I going on and on about it? It comes down to the title of this post, “Burning rubber”, for the sake of the future generation who to me are running along the border of internet insanity, adding sex to the mix is one sure fire way to disaster. Burn them rubbers people, preach abstinence.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Boredom.

Here’s a list of 10 interesting facts about condoms that you might not know, from Canada.

1. On average, condoms hold about 4 quarts of liquid. That’s about 16 cups or 1 gallon of liquid or 3.8 litres. That’s larger than most Milk Bottles!

2. Most modern-day condoms (over 90%) are made of latex, the rest from polyurethane or lamb intestines.

3. Ancient Egyptians reportedly used condoms as early as 1350 BC. These were reportedly made from animal bladders or intestines.

4. Over the years, a variety of materials have been used as Condoms. Among the materials were linen, sheep, lamb and goat intestines; fish skin, silk and thin leather.

5. Only Latex Condoms can stop the transmission of HIV. Tests have shown that Polyurethane and lamb condoms do not stop the transmission of the virus.

6. Oils and most lotions will cause latex to breakdown. As such, only use water or silicone based lubricants when using latex condoms.

7. Using 2 or more condoms at the same time is more dangerous than using 1. The friction between the two can cause tearing and ripping.

8. Exposure to heat or sunlight or by age can weaken and harden the condoms, causing them to be fragile and tear during use. Always keep them in a cool and dry location.

9. During World War II, condoms were used to cover rifle barrels from being damaged by salt water as the soldiers swam to shore.

10. Condoms have been sold in vending machines since 1928.

As always, remember that using a Condom is the safest and most reliable method of stopping the transmission of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). However, it’s always better to use 2 forms of contraceptives if possible to stop undesirable pregnancies.

Now why have sex at all? Why not preach abstinence? SMH

I think I am ready for a Jane Doe post now

Stress: The week so far…

Before I say anything else, can you please look at the picture and tell me where you lie?

Me: Insomnia, loss of appetite, fatigue, more fussy, alienation, indecisions, impaired judgement, frequent illnesses (not infections) restlessness and plenty other things oyibo people no sabi.

This was supposed to be a unusually worded rant about many things in particular but for a timely word from my daily devotional (a daily devotional I have not touched in a while I must confess). So without further ado here I go..

My health: After a pretty busy weekend, I woke up on Monday spewing forth bloody spitums (as my medical friends would call it). First thought that crossed my mind? Not again, I had the same thing the last Monday but it went. Seemed my endeavours over the weekend just brought it out again. Did I forget to mention that this would be my 8th or 9th trip to see a doctor this year? The thing hs everybody going crazy, but I know what the problem is. I need to spend 3 weeks of intense loving up with Jane Doe, so I tell myself. Truth, I need to get my God life back in play, for reals.

My job I know how I can go on and on about my job, but then this is the only place where I can take 4days off or die and no one would be really bothered unless Goodluck asks for something that is directly connected to me. I mean, any other place and I would have gotten the sack, the dump or the crap beaten right out of me. They had better fix my medical insurance soon though or else I will play dead.

Celibacy Dear bloggergood, I have decided to go celibate. No more flirting, or having evil thoughts about the female species. I solemnly swear to abstain from all manners of innuendos too as much as it pains me… Affected parties take note. Jane Doe is exempted of course (I jest). Reading 1 Corinthians 5 today scared the piss out of my bladder(s).

Oliver Twist Finally watched some Oliver Twist videos. There was one some people were going crazy about so I sought it and I found it. While the babe in the boxers had some astonishing moves, all my eyes went on going to were the mounds of flesh on her thighs *now shudders*. I am not judging though, my mirror tells me I suck, all the time.

Death With all the wahala this week I found myself thinking of death, well not the actual act but the following:

  1.  With all the ruckus that would happen on twitter, facebook and bbm if I passed on, I cannot help but wonder. What is it about death that makes us all go teary eyed? Please no bb updates, writing on my wall or twittering. Thanks.
  2. If I were to die, I would like to go out with a big bang. Sword in one hand, gun in the other, yelling and spitting insults in the face of a million foes. Death by blood from the chest or from lovesickness or some other wussy thing is not how I want to go *shudders*. Not at my age (no offence to all those in the hospital).

So I am here at work this morning, I have finished with all my activities for the week including catch up on past activities. I am now blogging, reading blogs. My dearest twinny has buzzed me already to get my chest checked out. I have to go too, I need it, before I get a deathwish (no pun intended).

This is not how I blog usually, there must be something wrong with me. Have to go back to babe bashing, theory forming and general nonsense.

With regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: All yarns above were totally conceived in my mind and in no way have any relation to anything or anyone you know. I am not suicidal, I am stressed, if you know a love doctor or a snurse(sex nurse), please refer.

May the celibacy begin.

Now what picture to use…

 

 

Crying Wolf

If you know the story of the very foolish boy who cried wolf you have probably jumped to conclusions on reading the title of this post. This has nothing to do with little boys, sheep, wolves or nigerian babes. Well maybe a bit of babes.
This post is for the composers and forwarders of useless blackberry messages.
Now I understand several things, I do understand how some things can touch you, make you laugh silly and things. I do not understand however how “our friend” can forward a bb message to us and you now decide to immediately forward the same message to us all. As in, how does that work? Then there are some messages that you have no business sending, messages I have no business reading. Even more annoying are the messages I read 2 years ago.
Now I believe it is entirely within your rights to send purple messages, however I believe it should be our right to opt out of reading them.
Now where does crying wolf come in? For every time I see a red flashing light and pick my phone to see a purple message from you, it dampens my mood just a bit, takes you down my priority list a little bit and moves you closer to the delete button. Be very very careful *now giving the evil eye*

Regards,
Single Nigerian Man

Myths, Lies and False things…

It has been a while since I put anything up, weird as it may sound to some people, I have been busy, very busy.
The reason for my busyness is the first myth that needs to be dispelled right now.

Myth 1 – Government workers don’t do any work: Says who? Says the people that don’t work for the government. I slaved for 6 straight hours on Friday. I have been working non-stop for a while now and its going to continue for a while longer. I thought working for the government involved Facebook, late start times and early closing times. Myth totally busted.

Myth 2 – Road travel in Nigeria is cheaper than air travel: Men, that one sef na lie o. I made the mistake of travelling by road a week ago. Abuja to Lagos; Air(27k), Road(3.5k). If you do happen to go by road though there are some more values to add which I state below:
Time to recover (1week plus)
Hospital bills (5k on average)
Myth busted.

Myth 3 – Air hostesses are hot: As a young boy growing up, air hostesses were classed in the same league as the baywatch hotties. I am grown up and I have flown in various airlines and realised that it is a big lie at least in Nigeria. I have seen fat, spotted, pimpled, God’s own creations and the occasional beauty with plenty attitude. Aero and Arik are the biggest culprits. I no blame them sha, I blame Zenith and GTB. Myth busted.

Myth 4 – Youth service is a sure sex avenue: I heard this in the run up to my 3weeks in camp. I reached camp expectant and was sorely disappointed. All stories of nookie all over the place were lies. Myth also busted.

Took a trip to my village this weekend. A proper village people. My grandma’s burial. The last grandmother I have. Mixed feelings, but I guess its one thing we can be happy about. I am in my village and I can blog… Awesome

Thanks Msluffa, OhJ, and my dearest Kiah. It has indeed been a while.

Regards,
Single Nigerian Man

Saw my grandad cry today. He is 84 and for some reason that touched me more than anything else that happened to me today. Married for 60years and it just ends… Puts some things in perspective.

Disclaimer: once again this was done with my phone so I don’t know how it will look. No spell checks either.

With prayer and some trembling I shall press post.

Done in 60minutes

I had to scrounge around for a bit upstairs to get a title for this post. Threw a few around and ended up with what you see above.

We have all heard about the don’ts of relationships for guys. Don’t do this and don’t do that. What girls hate guys doing, blah blah blah.. Decided to do it from a different perspective today.. Mine!! Here they are in no particular order with something similar to an explanation alongside. They are the things I check out for when I first meet any girl and the points I deduct from the 100points I start out with.

  1. Feet -25points: I have always had this weird fascination for feet, it tells me a lot about a girl. How she cares for her body, her hygiene, her background, her home and how much effort she put into looking good before meeting me. Now how on earth can I get all that from looking at her feet? Lol.. Dirty feet tells me a lot, you walk around without slippers in a not so clean house, or you don’t wash your feet when you bathe (and other places too), you don’t pay attention to details, etc. If you want to know waddup with a girl, rather than spend hours conversing with the girl, check the heels of her feet. Honorary mentions go to squished up toes (from tight shoes), nasty toes, big feet (no offence) and fat feet (no offence my sister has these). All honorary mentions are in no way related to dirty feet. I just like them slender and clean so I can massage them without cringing in my mind.
  2. The Phone Calls -10points: So we planned to see today and you just can’t stop picking your phone to chat with different people. Oh before I forgot we were just meeting to have dinner and you spent 40-70% of the time talking in your native language. Yes, yes, I am beefing, I speak only English, but beef aside I do think its quite rude because you are actually conversing with them rather than having a conversation with me (no ladies, I have not had the opportunity to bore you yet). I am an understanding guy however so that’s just 10points.
  3. Nollywood -17points: You watch Nollywood movies (all of them) and are quite abreast with situations happening in that forest. You know what goes on in movies and you know what goes on outside of them. As if that is not enough you think it is ok to attempt to educate me on the goings-ons in that place. To top it up, you don’t read books, novels, but you also watch Bollywood movies (-20 extra points). No beef ladies, but I believe anyone who follows Nollywood movies thinks the following; a) my mother is evil and my stepmother is even worse b) There is a high possibility I will play her jibiti c) I am going to make an attempt to see her knickers just because I took her out to dinner. The list is plenty and is quite tiring, carry your wahala and go jare.
  4. You look at me suspiciously when I try to pay for the dinner -12points: Yes this is a no-no for me. I wouldn’t go out on a date with you if I didn’t want to pay for it. At least that’s what gentlemen did back in the day. If I wanted to sleep with you, I would take you to dinner after, not before, cos last time I checked no one liked having sex on a full stomach (it is uncomfortable). Thanks to Margaret Thatcher and Beyonce however, I will forgive you.
  5. Miss Bossy and Miss Touchy -40points: Oh yes you keep touching me to make a point. Touching I said not caressing or rubbing me in a quite sexy way. Babe please, that stuff freaks me out. I can hear and understand English. Sign language doesn’t require touching just in case the first two fail. And we just met, why are you trying to change plans without my consent.
  6. Holy Martha -35points: Yes I do understand your need to preach the gospel. I do understand the need to convert me before I start attempting to “cop a feel“. I do understand that you think I am going to try and take you home after dinner. However, you had the opportunity to preach to me when we were chatting and while we were scheduling the date. I do not understand why it has to be now I am trying to get some calories in my system you decide to open your mouth. There is a time for everything
  7. You are not Jane Doe -75points: I don’t even need to explain this. My heart only has one space for one.

So there they are, my top 6 don’ts. If 2 or more happen, the chances that you will see me again are rather slim and close to zero. If all of them happen chances are you owe me some points. Some guys might overlook some of these things if the babe fine well well and she get better ikebe. Not me!! Enough of the babe bashing, time to woo my Blog Wife.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: If you think this is directed at you, then it probably is. If you think it makes sense, I know it doesn’t. For all the people who have tried hooking me up to someone and failed, this is why. If you think this is a disclaimer, it isn’t.

Dear Blog Wife, where on earth are you?

Search for Single Nigerian Babe continues

QOD: If lesbians claim to be truly lesbians, why on earth do they need dildo’s? Just asking.

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