Throwing Bananas

At then end of my last post, I talked about the new word on the streets, which had to do with men talking about how God said this about spouses and all. Now its not so new, in that it has been on the streets for a very long time, however it totally inspired todays tale.

Now a banana as we know it, is by all means just a fruit. A banana as I know it, is a well constructed lie, fully intended to make the next person eat it. Different definitions, the same quality “it goes down rather smoothly when swallowed

With the definition out of the way, with all of us on the same page, I can now proceed.

I have watched bananas being thrown, and I have thrown quite a few. And with nothing else to do today, but blog, I have decided to share some with you (I refuse to confess). Now some of them are quite amazing, the rest quite foolish and some of them are genius in themselves.. (oh wait if I talk about the genius part, some people might finally realise that it was a lie I told). Anyways here they are, in no particular order.

  1. I am not sleeping with her yet: Oh yes, girlfriend is angry, mad at you and she is in the process of giving you a bit of her mind. Now you can look into her eyes and honestly tell her you haven’t slept with anyone yet, what you fail to say is that you kissed her last night and even got to third base… Oh yeah you forgot to mention that you expect to get the home run over the weekend. This is the good one..
  2. I am rich: No offence to the gold diggers out there, I respect your skills and talents. However it has to be said that when game meets Game, one person has to go down. A honorary mention to a corper friend of mine (back in my NYSC days) who managed to convince the ladies that he worked offshore as an oil company worker. 2 months on, 3weeks off. Kudos to all the ladies who thought they had struck gold, bigger kudos to him for letting them believe it for all 3 weeks.
  3. It want to marry you:  Now I don’t know about you, but if I was a chick and a guy walked up to me and in under two hours proclaimed his desire to marry me, two words will flash in my head “blood money” (no I didn’t say that). I will sha quietly say ok, mentally pack my bags and then physically take off. No dulling. I understand that some cases are quite critical (as per people in their search for marriage). But really scenarios where that actually works out are exceptions rather than the norm
  4. I love you: Yeah right, you only remember to say that to her, when she is angry with you or when you want to get some from her…

Really who am I kidding, these are not bananas. They are lies that have been so abused that really they are now unripe plantains (very few people actually eat them). If I were to craft a perfect banana, this is what it would look like.

  1. I will call you: You just had a wonderful evening with me, it seemed like we had fun, I told you jokes, you laughed (I smiled). You had so much fun, you want to see me again (I didn’t, I have no intentions of seeing you again). 99.9% of the time, I will look into your eyes, hold your hands and tell you straight to your face, “I will call you soon”. Yeah right!!
  2. I am younger than you: Oh yeah, women nowadays are so secretive about their age. They don’t want to seem so old so as to make a guy lose interest. What do I do? I state an age that is low enough for the woman to realise she can’t possibly have anything to do with me, and for some weird reason it makes her comfy enough to proudly state her age to me. “Really? You are 21? Aaaaawww you are so young, I am …” Oh yeah babe, I got you!!!
  3. I haven’t had sex in more than a year: Lol!! This just had to come in. Automatically, the babe becomes more comfortable around you (especially if you have been acting all normal and all) usual responses are, Really? Wow! How? Abeg jo! Whatever the response is, if she actually believes you, it will be easier for her to tell you about her sex life.
  4. Work is crazy!!!: For the days I want peace and quiet, the days I do not want to be disturbed and for the ladies I sincerely do not want to hear from again.. This is your banana. Eat it quietly and leave me in peace, I am working.
  5. I would have really loved to spend time with you this weekend: Especially because she told you she was travelling this weekend. Kindly ensure you are not in town for the next three weekends.

When all else fails, the ultimate banana is silence. No picking of calls, responding to texts or emails, update BBM status, avoid facebook updates, etc.. Let her think you are dead!!!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Try any of the above at your own risk, I no fit shout abeg!!

Image credit

John Charity

Oh yes, a new movie, coming to stores near you. Dear Jeff, please meet me for more information.

They say charity begins at home, what they don’t say is where it ends up. Right now, I wonder why. Due to my nice nature, I am put in rather uncomfortable situations a lot of times. End up doing stuff for people I don’t like, go out of my way to help people who really can help themselves and the most annoying part… people get upset with me when I bluntly tell them to piss off…

Scene A, Girl A

Its 12am in the morning, right about that time where nothing good actually starts to happen. Rather than making attempts to get some, I am lying next to her wondering how on earth I managed to get myself in this mess (AGAIN!?!).

I like to twist normal everyday words, add some innuendo, shake it up a bit and then spill. It does get me into trouble a lot, but then I manage to blag my way out of it. Tonight the phrase that comes to my mind is “between a rock and a hard place”. Oh yes, that phrase, a point in time when like me you are lying next to a girl who isn’t date-able or sex-able… and who is madly attracted to you (thought it only happened in movies).

How did I get here? Ehmm!!! It started with me doing a favor for someone, continued with me trying to be nice and ended up with me in a highly uncomfortable situation (make I no too talk story). Now I am here and all efforts to jumpstart my engines have proved abortive (decipher as you please). So I sleep rather soundly too for the first time in a long time and promise myself not to do this again (just like I promised myself the last time)

Scene B, Girl B

What do you do when you have been looking forward to an event for so long and then the day finally arrives and the high point of the event gets cancelled? I have been preparing for a night out today, or a night in today with her. We were to either go dancing or just chill and watch movies, “all night” (which is the key word). I can see some people shaking their heads, but no, that is all that was planned.

It had been in the works for ages and ages… It was all ok at first, and then this week came and she refused to confirm now the day comes and she says oh no we can’t have a night out or a night in, we can only have an evening… She goes on to talk about some problems she be facing. I look at my phone and then calmly and quietly say ok in it. I shall see you later.

I am sitting now writing this post, with every intention of eating sweet potatoes and fish tonight, alone with my movies and my drinks. It can only be better than having an increasingly irritating night, listening to stuff you really are not interested in. Lessons from Scene A, are having a rather large impact on my thinking process. Once bitten, twice shy they say, I say learn from the previous man’s bite or else, learn from your narrow escape.

Scene C (For future reference)

This is how it plays out in my head, every single time

Girl: hey
Me: hey dear…
Girl: are you busy?
Me: not really…
Girl: please I need your help
Me: sorry I can’t help you.
Girl: but you don’t know what I want to ask for?
Me: true, but you only buzz me when you want something.
Girl: well its a 2 way thing its not like you buzz me or talk to me…
Me: yeah I know so let’s keep it as a 2 way thing. I don’t buzz you when I need something, kindly do the same.

In summary my dear sweet female/male friend, kindly piss off

Yeah I know, some people like to tell themselves how important they are by the number of times they get asked for help. I totally agree, but then Charity is a name formed as a means of giving to people in need, not people who just want something just for the heck of it, people well capable of getting it themselves but who just can’t be bothered. I believe in the whole D.I.D. (damsel in distress) thing. But you can’t be Beyonce yesterday singing “Single Ladies”, be Margaret Thatcher tomorrow speaking “equality”, then remember me today just because you feel just a lil bit vulnerable. I refuse from today. My middle name is not charity. I hope it stays that way

Picture of the day

If you ask me, this is the dumbest piece of self inspiration I have heard in a while. I am single and I am miserable and every other single person I know, feels the same way. Seems motivation nowadays means lying to yourself repeatedly till you start to believe it.

 

Foolish talk of the day

Can’t remember if I read it or someone said it to me, but then for the guys who tell the girls that they only want to put the tip in, what on earth is that? For the ladies that do agree (oh yes I know those were our teen days), do you understand that the tip is right about the only part of a man’s penis that can’t get you pregnant? Oh you know that already? Foolish child!!

Next Research

Word on the streets is that prayer does make things happen. Letting it slip that you had a vision about the lady you marry being from a particular tribe will make things happen (thanks for that info by the way, you know yourself). I fully intend to look into that.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: I am beginning to realise that people may read this blog and think there is something seriously wrong with me. Don’t worry, I think so too, its alright for you to tell me. For the people that actually do know me, it wasn’t me that wrote it o!!!

Dear Jane Doe, where are you?

I am now Royally Pissed!!!

First Date with Prince Charming?

Yeah the title sucks, I know, but I could not think of another name for this

So here I am again sitting at yet another table, with yet another date and rather than talk to her and see how it plays out, my mind has wandered yet again. Thinking theories, playing out acts and trying my best to be polite while thinking a way out of yet another mess I could put myself into.

Here’s my thought train…

I know, yes I know that every woman wants her Prince Charming to come sweep her off her feet and do his charming things and win her heart, but really, right from time immemorial, Prince Charming has been looking for his Crown Jewel as well to compliment his charming nature and well make him look more charming than usual.
That may sound sexist but yes, he needs you to compliment his nature, you need him to be your rock. Finish!! Daas all. Now I have talked about my sandwich theory, my hem line theory and type-o-graphic errors. Although I may have applied it to women (because I am a man), I do understand it works both ways.

Funny how no matter how much one wants to get a Prince Charming, no one is really ready to kiss a frog to get one.

However I do not understand how a girl can expect to get her Prince Charming when she isn’t no Crown Jewel. If I were to apply my sandwich theory I would say, if it looks like meat, tastes like bread and moos like a piece of meat, the damn thing is bread. It can moo all it likes, wear two horns and have nine udders (technology has done wonders), but it can’t be meat. In other words sweet empty words, no matter how sweet and no matter how many actions back it up are still empty. The first three letters of the word action are A, C and T. Now girls think being a Crown Jewel has everything to do with being shiny, glossy and all made up. The bible, my bible says that a good wife is made up of good character and any woman with only honeyed up lips, and oiled up speech should be labeled #suspect (I didn’t say so, Solomon did) and I should beware. Yes I am very a-ware so I will be b-ware. How did I get here?

Yes. This lady sitting in front of me is expecting me to be a good guy, she be expecting me to say all the right words, do all the right things and make all the right moves. I on the other hand am sitting here with my mind very far from here, my head making the usual buzz I get from type-o-graphic errors, but saying all the right things, doing all the right things… However I do draw the line at making all the right moves. I am a good actor yes, but no I am not that good. Did I say doing all the right things? Ahhh, I lied.

Why would I do that?

Thanks to Beyonce and all the other single ladies, women now think it’s their absolute right to decide whether or not a guy fits the bill and dump him as they see fit (forgetting most times that it does work both ways). Please men, let them. It is less stress for you, less pain for them (unless you actually want something more, in which case you are screwed). When it comes to that, I chuck ego in their face and let them have it all. I will fight for one woman and one woman alone (my wife). That fight however, is not today.
Hopefully it will come soon.

“Saying you are a good guy/girl many times to a mirror doesn’t make you a good guy/girl. It makes you someone who talks too much. .”

Beauty is everything; a beautiful mind, beautiful heart and a beautiful character. I will rather have all three than have a beautiful wicked woman, with absolutely no manners.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

And finally, for all them that love Proverbs 31, kindly read Proverbs 30 first.

DISCLAIMER: Please I don’t hate women, I actually love them. A lot.

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Random-Ish

Haven’t written anything in a while, but just feel I have to let some suff out. Free my mind and chest so I can just chill… Now I shall be slinging some mud about in this post so I guess the best place to start from would be me, when I am dirty enough I shall proceed.

Word for the day: Integrity /inˈtegritē/: The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness

I have always thought I was a good guy, honest, dependable and most of all I thought I had quite a bit of integrity sprinkled about and that in summary, I met some lofty standards I set out for myself when I was in my teens. I have realized the following now though

  • I am not a man on integrity. I went on my knees as a teenager and vowed to devote my life to Christ my Savior, rose to my feet and broke just about every rule that there is in the book. Sometimes I still do.
  • I have been drunk, high but I have not killed a man, no I am far from perfect and I never laid any claim to it (perfection).

I am dirty enough, it is time to sling some mud.

  1. To all the people who believe they can blow their trumpets, the people who claim they are super stars and act so, all them people who are so full of themselves this is for you… Stars shine quietly, trumpets can’t blow themselves. If you are so good at what you claim to do, let your work speak for you. Oh, I forgot, I am in Nigeria the country where money works and bullshit talks. Clap for yourselves, well done.
  2. Been trying to wrap my mind around people who only want to have people that are of benefit to them around them. Really? So they are benefiting you, what are you giving them? I believe this rubbish started a long time ago with the words “Am I my brother’s keeper?”, need I say any more child of Tubal-Cain? Oh sorry they all died after the flood. That makes you a parasite.
  3. 90% of the people you know, think you suck, the remaining 10% consist of the psycophants you surround yourself with and yet you somehow think 90% of the people you know just beef you cos you are awesome? Reality check, they might be right, what you think about yourself isn’t always right. No, what you think God thinks about you doesn’t count either. If 90% of the people you know… Sorry if 50% of the people you know think you suck, then you probably do. No smoke without fire.
  4. I don’t understand why the death of a young person, gets all young people going up in sighs, tears and flames. I understand that someone died but then if you are doing a reality check based on that, let it have a timespan of more than 1 week. And it should apply in areas far beyond cyberspace. Apply number 1 to this.
  5. Now regardless of the rules and laws governing privacy and your ideas of what privacy should be, the internet has messed all that up, so remember this, DARPA owns you, whether you like it or not. If it has a send button on it, then it sure as hell isn’t private. If re-reading your messages make you feel slightly embarassed, used ambigous statements.

Now that aside, there has been a theory on my mind for about a month now, have shared it with several people and gotten laughed at. Laughed at right after they proved I was right. The theory does not have a name but here it goes

Guys make excuses when caught in bad acts. They can lie, any say all manner of things to get out of sticky situations and they fail miserably at it. Women on the other hand justify their acts and damn you to hell for thinking otherwise. The result, men fall into trouble when they get into trouble. Men also fall into trouble when women get into trouble.

In summary my fellow men, the next time you get into trouble, act like a woman!!! JUSTIFY!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

A lot of young people have died this year, and young people do not seem to care. Rest in Peace, you are not forgotten