Down my Rabbit Hole!!

Its a good day today, I have a good feeling in my heart, maybe it’s because I saw Jane Doe last night, maybe it isn’t. Today I have decided to deviate from the norm and take you a few layers deeper. Follow me down my rabbit hole…

Now everyone blogs nowadays, for different reasons, for different purposes. For some na marketing strategy, for others na to gain popularity, others blog like a diary for the first two purposes, yet others just use it as a way to air their views. Some do it because that’s what everyone else does, while others like me do it out of a serious case of boredom. I have four blogs, have been blogging for nearly 4 years and for some weird reason, this one blog has gotten more hits in two months than all the other blogs combined in the past 3 years. I would love to wonder why, but then I don’t really care. Funny how I start a post and end up somewhere else.

Like I said I would deviate from the norm and write a serious post today, something I would usually write on one of my other blogs.

Last night I remembered the parable of the talents. The servants that invested their talents and the foolish one that buried his for fear of his master and it made me start thinking…

Loads of times a lot of us that have some sort of presence whether in the blogosphere, in the entertainment world or in the world in general. Do/write loads of different things and then sprinkle some Jesus on it to make it look slightly better. I wonder how that works..

I thought about the talents as our salvation and what we make of it. There are the people who are out there doing all they can with it, doing the winning of more souls, the ones who touched us well enough to kneel down and make the decision to serve as servants. There are the ones like me who choose to bury their talents, bury their salvation saving like its an account in First Bank, waiting for the day we can cash in and go straight up to heaven.

As if saving it is not enough we make reference to the content of the account every now and then, sounding like heirs to riches that don’t show in the manner which we live our lives. In summary, the account we claim to have is one that we share with millions of other people worldwide and what we don’t realize is that by the time we want to cash in on them talents, one of two things could happen,

  1. You could have forgotten where you buried them in the first place.
  2. Someone else would have been given what was meant for you.

I know my God is merciful and he forgives all who sincerely ask him for forgiveness, but then the bible doesn’t tell us what happened next in the life of the sinner who asked for forgiveness in the story of the Pharisee and the sinner. The bible does tell us that all who  Christ saved here on earth were told to go and sin no more.

I try to live right, I try to put myself out there every now and then and while some people would applaud themselves for making an effort, (I would rather be a sheep than a goat) I feel just trying every now and then is simply not enough.  I wonder why we would rather bury our talents than use it, God left 99 sheep to get you (if we were to go biblical), sacrificed many for your sake,  from the early Christians who were burnt, boiled in oil, beheaded along with many bad bad things to Martin Luther who suffered excommunication to get the word as it is to the common man. I strongly believe I should be part of yet more sacrifices to save one more lost sheep.

So to all the people sprinkling Jesus as salt to spice up their life for just a little bit, be sure of one thing, when the rains come, all that water will wash that salt right out of your life (just saying). Am I a hypocrite if you base this on all my posts? Maybe. Am I sprinkling salt? Maybe. Am I stating what I strongly believe? A quiet yes will suffice.

This is a deviation from the norm though. Maybe it’s because Jane Doe is around.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Simple Poetry

How can you call yourself a soldier?

You have a sword you don’t use,

A shield rusted with disuse,

How can you serve him?

I would say many things… Amongst them a search within me for truth as I should see it not as I have been taught. Amongst them a bid to finally catch Jane Doe.

Dear MsLuffa, this is for you. Your blog posts in so many ways, remind me of what should be, remind me of what I may have forgotten.

 

John Doe, signing out.

 

 

 

Thoughts of a Single Nigerian Man Pt. 1

I would like to write awesome posts, the ones that would make people go oooh and aaah, sadly I start out with something awesome and end up writing yet another bland post. I read the blogs of MsLuffa, TheRustGeek, Kiah among others and I wish I could write more awesome posts. Restricting myself to rantings about my single life sucks just a teeny little bit. Anyways off with that and on with todays post.. Different mumblings and jumblings of my mind as it ticks and shifts. Enjoy!

Processing…

If I was to talk about myself, I would say I was an onion with many different layers. Any attempt to peel the layers without the right tools and the right authorization would result in a very large amount of onion juice in your eye. I would say  I have a very inventive imagination and a rather uncanny ability to see things from outside the box. My views are very different from everyone else most times and I love doing the unexpected amd for that reason, many people call me weird, almost all the rest say I am complicated, the few that know me to some extent claim they love me and they are always worried about me. The why? I don’t know, maybe its because of the several screws that are loose in my head. I am a borderline insomniac and have insufferable mood swings. Are you worried yet? I am not.

Processing…

My blood pressure is very fine according to the doctor I saw last week Friday. She also told me I am HIV -ve and there was absolutely nothing wrong with me but malaria. I pleaded for sleeping pills, she prescribed some, the pharmacist however gave me only 3 pills of Lexotan. All efforts to get more fell on deaf ears. Maybe they think I am suicidal, I don’t know. I know I am not, I just want to sleep. Its 12.30 in the morning, it will soon be 1. I still cannot sleep. By 1 .30 the bees will start flying around me, they will make me lots of honey and I have no one to share them with. Please just give me some more pills, I swallowed the last one last night. I will go back for more in the morning.

Processing…

I went to my friends office today, I met a beautiful young lady at the front desk. I am sure she was very helpful, while she was trying to reach my friend, there I sat wondering what her cupsize was. B or C? Hmmmm.. I wonder. I can’t remember what we talked about.

Processing…

Breasts…. Breasts…. Ooops, get out of my mind. I am here for an interview. I quickly say the Lord’s Prayer and mind clears… She walks by shaking her luxurious behind… Bees start flying, I get out my bee swatter. I am here for an interview. Yet another she sitting beside me, wearing a skirt so vague it beats my understanding.. If a pin dropped and I had to pick it… Ooops I did mentally and I liked what I saw, now JT wants to get up and get close and personal. DOWN BOY!!!

Processing…

Dear Mary Joanna, where are you, its been so long  and I dearly and sorely miss you so. Mezie says it is difficult to reach you now. I haven’t kissed you in so long, I can’t sleep, please fix a date for when we can meet..

Dear MimiB, I strongly believe you are wrong with respect to the different ways in which men think. Have you ever seen a man who suspects his wife or girlfriend of cheating? Or heard a man’s single friends tell him why a girl does not like him? (overanalysis)? Have you ever heard a man justify why he is cheating on his partner? (black and white)? Ever seen a man when he hears that his mother who he loves so much is dead (emotionally involved)? Even better count the number of women with high blood pressure and compare it with the men (overthinking) . Sorry decided to write it here rather than leave another comment.

 

Processing…

I have written so much rubbish today, I think I would call it a day. Lets not even do the graphics

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: I shall not be held responsible for anything that happens on my screen after 12.30am. Its 1.21am at the time of posting.

Dear Lexotan, I need you more tonight than I needed you last night to help me to kill these damn bees.

In the words of Shaggy, It wasn’t me!!

Parental Advice Pt. 2

My very first attempt at blogging from my phone. I have said a quick prayer and I sincerely hope it comes out well.

  1. My son: If you must take self defence classes, don’t do it for you, do it for your future family. Your wife and your kids.
  2. My children: Sex is good yes, that’s what music, movies and commercials preach. What they don’t say is that it is even better when learned and done with a spouse. Believe me, been there.
  3. My children: Now the in thing as a teenager and a university student is to look hot, go to parties and do all sorts of crazy stuff. Be yourself, it will be hard I know but the more successful people are the ones who can pull that off.
  4. My children: Don’t worry if he or she is more popular now because they can drink, smoke or they sleep around. 5 to 15 years from now when everyone wants to get married, its you they will come to not them. Save your sweetness till then. The rest of them will be yoghurt.
  5. My children: Oh yes, if you ever disrespect your mother for no just cause, I might commit murder, she might be many different things to you but she will always be my queen.
  6. My daughter: To all the men who say they want to marry you and say they want to test the goods first, quietly say this.
    I am talking and laughing with you, I am capable of eating your money, I have breasts and look like a woman, wetin you want again? Any trader will tell you this, to test with your own equipment, you have to pay for it and take it home. Na only software dey come with 30day trial. I am very sure your mother did not give birth to programs

Regards,
Single Nigerian Man

Question of the week.
I understand how make up works… Ladies turn beautiful with several dabs.. Please biko, if babe dey only fine for night, wetin she be?

Disclaimer
Abeg na phone I use o, all word people should jump and pass.

With a quick word of prayer, I shall now press post…

The Rules of Shopping

Wrote this a long time ago, it still brings mixed feelings now I am reading it.. Anyways, enjoy!

This was inspired by an un-interesting day of shopping where I spent more time waiting than actually doing any shopping, I penned down a number of tips for us dudes when we do go out with women… Giving the gist will defeat the purpose of this post.

1.1. Leave your phone at home: This way if you conveniently get lost, you cannot be reached…
1.2. Offer to hold her phone for her…: This way even if you do get lost she can’t reach you, and as you most certainly do not want to be reaching her this makes it even better for her (sorry I actually mean you).
1.3. Act like you are interested in checking out things she is not interested in… This way you can politely get her to suggest that you both meet up at some place in the mall at a particular time(which she wont keep anyway).
1.4. Go back home immediately… Does that sound evil? You don’t have your phone, you have her phone, the probability of her using a payphone to call you is non-existent add to that the state of bliss she attains while shopping, the probability of her running into you (9/6,000,000,000, and that is not the number of people on earth; more like the number of people plus things to look at in a mall) and the fact that the happiest place a single sane man can be is anywhere away from a shopping complex. Everything together makes a pretty slim chance of discovery and a very presentable case if caught.
1.5. Having done all the number crunching and dodging, I finally settled for this: If you are not married to it, or intending to; kindly request to be left at home (including your mother)

N/B
The number of old men I had standing with me was quite larger than the amount of young men…
(Note to self, I must remember to carry 7 newspapers, 2 novels and one psp next time(for variety))

Finally: I must say that:
1. Anything done above is done at your own risk. In other words YOU ARE ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN!!!
2. Please if you do try it, feedback will be much appreciated.
3. Please married men, and prospective ones, do not try this at home, or else you could become a prospective bachelor…
4. For any more information check number 1.

Finally…
If you think I am jobless, it took me three hours to think up this. Three hours I spent with lots of different old men (very patient old men I must add), no newspapers, books or psp’s and a persistently ringing phone(perks of going out with another person’s girlfriend; hence 1.5). Three very hot frustrating hours!!!
And I thought it up using totally unrelated events too, this is by no means related to a true life story. It is totally non-fictional. Oh that is a big lie.. It all happened and it happened to me.

Hehehe… Enjoy!!!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Need I say more? PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS IN THE MOTHERLAND!!! Nigerian girls sabi cram phone number

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African Beau Wonder

This cracked me up just a little bit when I thought of it. Yeah, that dude you saw laughing on the street at absolutely nothing at all? That was probably me. I have focused plenty on the sisters in my last couple of posts, I will return to them after this. Today I am bringing it home, to my brothers, the special ones out there, the ones who I have got so much love for.

Now I see them, the special ones, they look like models straight out of GQ, well dressed, tight haircuts, handsome faces (no I am not an extremely happy man) and bodies that make me look in the mirror and go green. They are all over the place, the ladies love them and I can’t fault that. If I was a woman, I would love them too.

Location: all over the UK

Time: Sometime within the last 4 years

I have been noticing, staring and observing these A.B.W’s and rather than beef from a distance I decided to walk up to one of them and ask, HOW ON EARTH DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT? I look like an athlete, like a female friend of mine said around that period, I look fit and all. Now I don’t know who she thought she was lying to, but I totally did not eat the banana..(Regardless of what anyone says, I do believe it is impossible to wash soap). I mean, I look in the mirror every now and then… Wait, back to the post.

So I walked to my special brother, this amazing specimen of dude and I as I hailed him, his respond (yes if he responded right now, I would be entirely right to leave that gbagaun there, I was that shocked) made me pause, rewind and replay his response over and over again… Now if I could break it down to you dear reader, I would say the following…

  1. If you speak with an accent and the accent is h-factor inclusive then it is suspect.
  2. If you speak with an accent and add nna men when you speak then it is suspect.
  3. If you speak with an accent and you did not have a basic primary or secondary education in that country, then your accent is suspect.
  4. All the above strictly apply to the English Language only.
  5. I understand that English people shell, but they shell like English people.. If you speak with an accent but shell like a Nigerian, I have no words for you

Now that is out of the way, not counting the number of gbagauns I heard, plus the fact that the conversation made no sense to me after 5 to 10minutes, I left my A.B.W. sorely disappointed. There I was looking to my special ones, my superhero, for the secret to getting the ladies around me, there I was again looking distraught. Now no offence to all my special brothers out there, but I love John Doe, when he isn’t in front of a mirror. I think I will stick with him. If it was between being a portrait and being a gorilla (no gorilla is too good for me). I choose gorilla. Gorilla sef dey marry.

Would you want to be or like to have an A.B.W.?

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: Please this has no reference to anyone around me, that I know of. Na just yarn I dey yarn.

Can someone please tell facebook to give me back my notes?

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