Type-o-graphic Error

Now before I say anything else I just have to say this. HP you guys are criminals.

No pun Intended

Yes I said it. if a HP representative ever reads this post, NOTE THIS. If you sell HP laptops or you are affiliated with them in any way, by friendship, marriage or you have a HP child please tell them. I see no reason why I will buy a HP laptop from a legitimate HP sauce (no pun intended) and have HP send me a message saying I should buy another charger because my charger is not efficient enough. SHUO!!!  In fact you people deserve a HI-five in the face for that. Nonsense!

Thank you for attending my anger management nonsense for today. That will be all.

Now for the post…

A wise man once told me..

What you see isn’t always what you get, sometimes it is more, most times less

How I wish that story were true, it crawled into my mind sometime between 12 and 1am last night. All the wise men I know want me to get a life, like I don’t know that already. Funny how wise men package information you already know into  a very palatable form and feed it to you (but I digress) all in a bid to make it make sense. Anyways, enough with the randoms and on with the post…

Now if you have read any of my posts, you will get to understand that really, there is something wrong somewhere with me. My post titles usually have little or nothing to do with the actual content of my post. Reason? I think in a very different language from what I speak or write so blame it on “interference”. That aside let me share my new word of the week/month

Typeographic Error:  taɪpəˈɡræfɪk ˈerə(r)/ : this occurs when one tries to match a person to a mental impression or image of their desired mate.

Need I say more?

I have been called many names in my short life but weird happens to be the most frequent. Why? The main issues seems to be my inability to act in ways people want me to. By people I really mean women. We start out all well and good but along the way I begin to act weird, really weird according to some people. Although they may have a point, I have an excuse to back it up.

  1. Most times it is because I am not just that into them. Yeah, from the beginning no matter how hard I try to mix and match we just don’t blend.
  2. the other times it is because along the way, I get a typeographic error when I try to load them in my memory. Yeah we start out all well and good and then along the way things just start turning weird.

Now you will ask, why can’t I just be friends with you? Answer: It is a well-known fact that anyone (male or female) will ditch everyone if they meet a potential mate. It is also a well-known fact that thanks to Eve, Cleopatra, Jezebel and Margaret Thatcher, every woman wants to be treated like a princess by every man she meets. Now I have no problems with that, yes I can treat you like a princess. However if I am dead sure I am neither your prince or your frog-in-waiting, I log out. Yes I might mess around sometimes with no intentions of being serious, but most times I am very serious up till I get an error. Call it an excuse if you want, it is the truth, at least I won’t lie an act the part till I get some, I just log out (now this applies to potential friends and potential mates).

While that may seem weird or odd, there are people I see as friends that I am really sweet to (no strings attached), all they need do is call or buzz and I am there in an instant. There are people I see as family that don’t even have to call. But then if you are not my wife to be or my daughter and you are not in any of the previously stated categories (friend or family; yes they know themselves), then prepare for some extreme weirdness from me.

Oh yes the weirdness is caused by the constant buzzing in my head due to the incessant error messages I get. It’s not your fault, it is mine.

Rather Random: There is a movie called “He is not just (thanks dbrizio) that into you”. I wonder if they will ever make a movie with my blog title as the name (no not a Nollywood movie, Jeff Amata, take note!!!)

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: I do not require psychiatric help. Thank you. No dbrizio I most definitely don’t.

Having made amends to this post to at least make sense to other eyes than mine. I will rest my hands.

Editor needed please

Image credit

Wrong Timing!

If I could get some money for every time this question was asked any where all over the world, I would be the richest man ever (excluding Wise Solomon of course).

Scene A (Adulthood)

So I get home with her after a really fun night. If you had asked me at the beginning of the night I could not have imagined the night ending like this. She was actually in my house of her own free will. I met her about 5 weeks ago and we had been seeing each other quite often. We had become quite good friends if you ask me. Of course applying the Hem-Line theory, I had gotten ready for a very long thing as the lady in question seemed to be a 3/4 Hem line. Well there were a couple of drinks involved, but we have drinks every now and then so it was quite normal. You can imagine my shock when one thing led to three things and the next thing #gbam na kiss o. Three things led to six things and the next thing top had gone off, things were getting deeper and as the last ounce of blood was leaving my brain and the final hook on her bra was coming off, the dreaded question came.

What do you really want from me?

At that moment, the little that was left of my mind went very far. The question took my mind to a totally different scene from my childhood.

Scene K (Kidulthood)

I remember that day perfectly well. I was 7years old, I was going to the park and I asked Nene my friend to go with me, she agreed, we went to the park, got ice cream and we started playing. After playing for like 7 minutes, she turned to me and innocently asked

Why did you bring me here J.D.

Imagine the nerve? I looked at her for 10 long minutes, then I turned around and went home. Annoying pissant!!!

Back to Scene A

Now no offence ladies, I respect your gender totally and I have very good friends from your very alien race but I am human, very human. If there was ever a phrase to capture that moment, it would be this WRONG TIMING Missy. You missed the many, oh so many seconds between when we we met and now, you missed the moment when you said you were going to come home with me, you even missed the point where top met the space above your head. How you expect me a grown man like me to sincerely, truthfully and sensibly answer that question with no blood in my head makes me wonder if you really did Biology in just your nursery school. Shame on you and shame on your biology teacher.

Sadly I had no answer for the lady in question but this “Huh“. I don’t need to tell you dear readers that na so my nookie where shirt commot for house.

In that spirit, I have decided to put together the best of the best of the questions women like to ask at the wrong time.

Did you use protection? That in the precious moment just after you finished having sex

Somethings never cease to amaze me. I have tried and tried to wrap my mind around this and I have failed over and over again. Please someone help me explain this. I am coming to a conclusion that women just enjoy torturing men and yes, women are from somewhere in outer space.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: I am innocent of any crime commited in or by this post

17 Wonders of John Doe

I was listening to Questions by Asa and it totally inspired me to write this. There are many questions I would like to ask, answers I know I would probably never have. Some things do make me wonder, I just thought to share some of them. Yes it is totally random, no it is not directed at anyone in particular.

  1. I wonder why I write and speak English, it is the only official language I know. However I think in a language I myself do not understand. Maybe the key is in the word official.
  2. I wonder sometimes why quickies and one night stands provide more children than an actual baby making process. Is it that sperm with intent fail to hit the target? While suicide squads generally are on target? (Yes I said it, please don’t sue me)
  3. I wonder why ladies deem it fit to shave of their eyebrows just so they can use a pen or pencil to draw over it? Thought make up was to cover up defects or make yourself generally look better than you do naturally?
  4. I wonder why some people get to have abortions while others lose their kids or their lives during legitimate childbirth.
  5. I wonder why music artists start out so well, but most fail to keep up to their own standards as time goes by. I mean there is an option called retire (Just listened to Kanye’s first album now, that is about the only album of his I have listened to)
  6. I wonder why girls paint their face with  oyibo peoples makeup and take pictures. Its so obvious you caked your face and it looks sooooooo fake. No brown powder does not work either (laugh Jane Doe, I haff said my own)
  7. I wonder why being a gentleman hardly gets you babes, however when you stop being one you become an idiot just like the rest of us.
  8. I wonder why every single female says they are different from every other female. Yet they call men sexist, male chauvinists and every other thing they can think of to make us feel bad. Talk of burner calling kettle black (no pot won’t do in this case)
  9. I wonder why people who gossip the most are the ones with the biggest secrets, backstabbers the most insecure. I mean sort yourself out first.
  10. I wonder how and why a man will make grand plans and schemes to set himself up. If the plan is so complicated, get a sidekick. If you must screw yourself over, do it with someone. Plan well or don’t plan at all, go green and save yourself the energy.
  11. I wonder why people put the burden of perfection on pastors, priests and men of God. They know that they are pillars of truth already and they are already trying to live up to that. Why put your own wahala and expectation untop their head (that is unless you are an agent of darkness)
  12. I wonder why Muslims, Budhists, etc, become Christians. But most atheists started out as Christians.
  13. I wonder why when people die, everyone wants to know their business. I mean the guy/girl/man/woman walked by you every single day and you never bothered to find it out. I understand amebo for the living, but for the dead? (SMH) Shame on you!!!
  14. I wonder what bloggers do to get so much traffic on their blogs. I know I don’t know that many people but I don’t know them either and yet I see their blogs. Who sees mine?
  15. I wonder what on earth it would take to get the few people who do come here to comment on my posts.
  16. I wonder why people think I am weird.
  17. I sincerely wonder why Jane Doe spends or wastes any time with me. I am impossible, even to myself…

There it is, I would have given a lot more but my boss just worked in. I think its time I worked for my pay.

Regards

Single Nigerian Man

Disclaimer: This cannot in anyway be used against me. Not in any court of law, beer parlour or Abuja garden!!! Thank you