Dear Brother Abraham,

I have never met you and you will never meet me but I strongly believe I have to let you know my mind. There are many people in life that do things for seemingly no reason. However I have come to see, been made to believe that this is not the case. In many cases there is usually a reason for everything a man does no matter how deeply ingrained it is. Please Brother Abraham, what is yours? I would like to know what drives you, what motivates you? What on earth am I talking about? Yes, the time has come to let you know that:

I have heard news about your activities, I have seen numerous young children running around with your name on their lips. Now that for sure is a good thing after all since many children know the name of their president, Goodluck, Tuface, MI to name a few. However I am sure that if Tuface were to see these kids (lets make it local), he wouldn’t find some having his eyes, others his nose, ears or forehead, they wouldn’t have his lips, neither would they have his last name. If it were numbers between 1 and 3, I would understand, but the numbers quoted in reports are staggering, as none of them were from the same home (the numbers could be used to start a new community. Yes, I heard that much)

As a kid growing up, I was one of many that sang the song “Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had Father Abraham, I am one of them and so are you…” But I am sure of two things

  1. Our Sunday school teachers had no intentions of us living like you Brother Abraham. I don’t know if that is your motivation or your excuse but please Father Abraham had only two children.
  2. If I was singing that song in Sunday school it would have some sort of impact on me if all the children singing the song were from my father.

Now I know that every man, young and old has some sort of aspiration to be a footballer, but then I believe (my view) that if you must be a footballer, you must be a footballer of one club and any goals scored should be own goals. Striking in the another club’s net is most definitely not allowed. A case where a man is a full blown striker, scoring goals at random, changing clubs every week is not acceptable. If you must score goals for other clubs, please do it in training, where goals do not count. But I guess that advice is a bit too late for you Brother Abraham.

Finally, I believe the statement be fruitful and multiply has been given a whole new definition for you, you have been really fruitful and you may have started a whole new community, but then a scenario where the number of fruits is directly proportional to the number of trees simply means that the farmer should be put down and I don’t mean by physical death. I mean the farmer’s tools should be taken away.

Three different references Brother Abraham, all for you. Hopefully you will get to understand at least one.

Yeah yeah, I know you got swag, but Brother pull your pants up, strike for just one team, farm on one tree and please make that song for the kids just that, a song. Thank you.

Disclaimer: This post is not directed at anyone in particular, no animals were harmed in its production, no plants were burnt either. And yes, this post has nothing to do with any football playing, farming or Sunday School teaching.

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

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Through a drinking glass…

School is over, tossed out of parents home, bosses bugging. Is it just me or are quality women getting scarce? I am sitting here with my three best buds across the room from me. One is human, two are not. Conversation trend? The rate at which men are marrying. That it is simply worrying, would be a gross understatement. It gives me sleepless nights (that I can assure you). My friend looks at me, he turns around and kisses Mary J, he says there is always Mary J, she is ever present. I look at him, he must be mad, I can’t be hanging out with you Mary J and
J.D forever man. I need to get out and get married. We can’t go on like this forever,

Mezie, babes dey finish o at this rate there will soon be nothing left in Nigeria to marry. We may have to get to Cotonou to get Tokunbo.

That is how conversations go, day in day out, we sit in this hot place talking about the same thing, work, prospects, some sports, then women, more work and then some more women, that is all we ever do. Today it is JD, tomorrow it is old faithful Guinness, day before yesterday we had Alomo bitters. Today got me thinking though, sitting in this room talking to my best bud, kissing Mary J, looking through this glass of mine…

Growing up as a kid, I was always fascinated by adult circles; you know the ones where old men sit together and talk about grown up
stuff. It was always fun hearing the jokes, the men yabbing themselves. I always wished that I could be part of it. However watching a circle as a kid and actually being in one are two different experiences entirely. Without any further ado I will break it down for you

The View from Outside:

Awesome view I must admit, men around the tv talking football, politics, playing draft, or just plain talking, they
all sounded so grown up and so (for lack of any words to call it) awesome. I couldn’t wait till the day I could join in be a part of it, just contribute something even if it was just laughs.

My View from Inside:

I have been in loads of circles since then from the age of 11 till sometime this year. WIthout further ado, I will
bring to you the best of the best from that time till now…

  • Primary School Circle (Family): My first ever cirlces (forgive my english, I am speaking as a child), all we talked about was this bully, that girl, the strict teachers, the annoying principal, how that person cried when they were flogged, and how we would set the bully up one day (which never came). Those were the days, the joy of the innocence of youth. One had no cares no worries, al we had to do was get to school, attend calsses without getting flogged or beaten by bullies and get home. Simple. We stood around in circles and talked and then we went home. Those were the days mehn!!
  • Junior Secondary Circles (PG): Notice the plural term? There were so many circles at this stage, it was sometimes to hard to keep up. The sheer amount of research one had to do was interesting. From hair sprouting out in funny areas, to voices breaking, finest/most attactive girls around to the downright scary ones, the baddest guy around, to getting to know ones self, the size of ones manhood, smoker, drinkers, fighters, etc. The few who were actually having sex (some with people in school others with home activities) and bragged about it. This was the beginning for many guys. Right now, I just laugh at silliness.
  • Senior Secondary Circles (16 SNVL): Well at this point in time, guys had either figured out or were utterly confused about their sexuality so hormones kick in here (full time). From extreme cases of the horns to extreme cases of hair, guys usually got quite aggressive at this point. Arguments at home with parents, older ones and sisters were usually discussion topics. Plans for after school romps or gists of how they went. Weekend parties, stories of  breasts touched and pants seen, etc. More lies, more action, more useless topics to discuss.
  • Pre-University Circles (18 SNVL): Done with school waiting for university, a glimpse of what the future could hold sobers people up a bit. Stories of past romps in university are used to spice up the day a bit. Expect much laughter at jokes, people getting exposed, secrets being told, etc. All this happens at the beginning. As time goes by, with no university calling, expect more alcohol, less useful talk, all in a bid to briefly escape reality.
  • University Circles (R18): Lecturers, babes, parents, children, fights, sights… The overall sights and sounds of universities made these circles one of the best to ever be a part of.. Smokes, drinks were the order of the day.. The memories.. Hmmm (not that I would partake of them again). A circle better experienced than talked about (I kid you not)
  • Present Circles: Why talk about somethiing I have never experienced? Men in Sport clubs, boat clubs, golfing, fancy bars and restaurants? Who cares? Me and Mezie sit in my parlour, or his and we drink beer, smoke kpoli, and gossip. That is all we ever do.. Hearing the laughter from us you would think we were both clowns. We are most definitely not clowns! He is a banker and I am, I am… Oh CRAP!!! What am I? Mezie! MEZIE!!!! Pass me the kpoli…

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

S-Sex  N-Nudity  V-Violence  L-Language

Disclaimer: No references were made to any real people in this post, no I was not high writing this

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Body Malfunction…

Sorry I have no pictures for this, the sight was for my eyes only and if you were there, pictures would have been the last thing on your mind too

So I had the misfortune to be at a colleagues desk the other day, during lunch, when disaster struck. I walked into her office and while approaching her desk I noticed something quite distracting, one more button was open than should be allowed and the room was cold so her chest was also at attention, not casual attention people but full blown attention. Being quite chummy with her I took a seat on her desk, just by her and my, was that a wrong move. Being at a higher altitude I had a vision of loveliness and whether it was intentional or not, the view increased from black and white to HD and then beyond. What we were discussing was quite interesting but… my eyes kept on straying and staying in places they shouldn’t have. If you have heard the swinging beat from D’Prince’s Give it to me now, and you know the tune, then you know the beat the most special part of me was swinging to. Trust me as a sharpp guy I immediately struck a pose (if you are a guy then you know the pose I am talking about, if you are a lady and you know then shame on you) to seem calm and normal. Oh yes o, I sharply crossed my legs. Then she started shaking unneccesarily, up, down, jiggle jiggle. That’s when I had a manopause, analysed the situation using all my theories and came to the conclusion that “This babe wan set me up sha”. I was sharply looking for how to disperse before all my soldiers decided on an all out war when all of a suddenly, she dropped something just by my feet and had to bend down to pick it… Thoughts that passed through my mind included:

  1. Baby come out, what do you want?
  2. See fresh fish..
  3. CHINEKE!!!!
  4. Your body is calling, my body responding
  5. No! No! NO!!!!

The idiot girl was not wearing a bra… She actually gave me a full view of her lovelies (and indeed they were.. Lovely). With the words from Kas, fi mi le baby fi mi le, ringing in my brain… I fled…

Note to self (for women)…

  1. If it cannot be controlled it is a malfunction (sadly it always does malfunction).
  2. If he can’t get it up its a dysfunction.
  3. If he can’t get it down… Baby RUN!

Shout out to JCPhoenixx whose crazy post  (I have to mind my language here I can’t call names).. partially inspired this.

To all the guys out there going through this, keep it real. To all the ladies out there causing problems like this in the lives of young men, in the words of D’Banj Olorun Maje

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man 

PS Forgive me Jane Doe

It’s a Guy Thing aka Men ‘o’ pause (Now Manopause)

Men ‘o’ pause has now been changed to Manopause for writability sake (and it does sound and look better too I must admit)

I went to bed last night and the last thing that crossed my mind was you Jane Doe, right before I drifted off. I woke up this morning and the first thing that crossed my mind again was you, the next thing that crossed my mind was “Why one earth hasn’t she buzzed me, is she ok?” On a good day I wouldn’t bother, I would chill, prepare for my work day and start it. Not today though, today I lay back in bed and I started wondering, wondering what is, what could be and what is not.. Rather than bother you with my thought processes about Jane Doe, let me get somethings off my chest.

I understand that women and men are very different in very many areas. I understand that women are mainly guided by how they feel about something at a particular moment, but its like women fail to realise one very important thing about men… Men operate with timelines. Yes timelines.  If something doesn’t happen at the time it is expected we are patient for a while longer and then we begin to fret. We may not say anything but we DO fret. And a quietly fretting and worrying man is just an accident waiting to happen. It is worse if we do talk about it half and half or we talk about it and nothing happens, why? Because you made him actually say something and you nothing happened after he did. At least that is off my chest.

That brings me to the the wonderful new word that was crafted in my brain right in the middle of my confused state of upset, anger, sadness and sense of impending misery. The word is men ‘o’ pause (hehe.. reading the word right now just gives me the laughs, actually makes me feel better)

Need I say more?

Men ‘o’ pause |ˈmen -ə-ˌpȯz: is the exact moment a male begins to ask himself what on earth he is doing with a particular female. This female could be a friend, a girlfriend or even a wife.

Now that is defined on to the main purpose of my post…

Causes of “men ‘o’ pause”

  1. He likes her but she don’t like him enough, yet she is willing to waste the time he could have spent looking for someone else.
  2. She wants him to chase her in the exact way and manner she desires, and while she doesn’t say how, she is willing to wait till he finally
    Had enough?

    gets it right. But puts him down like a dog anytime he doesn’t

  3. She is leaving town for a long time and while he is willing to be in the relationship, she says she is scared of long-distance and is not willing to try and see if it works out and then she expects him to stick around. Yeah Right!!!
  4. One of my favourites. He is chasing her and she likes him but won’t date. She also likes Okafor, Olumide and Oliver and she talks about themall the time. Truth, none of them are even up to him. “I can’t put all my eggs in one basket dear, I need to make something out of myself”. Words she tells him repeatedly.
  5. He waits on her constantly, is there for her when she needs him and at the end of the day she says “I am bored, I need some action”
  6. No guy likes being unsure of where he stands with a woman, it makes them cranky, quickly irritated and very suspecting. All the attributes women hate in a guy. If you like him let him know, if you hate him let him know and then please desist from eating his money or wasting his time. Just free them in every sense. They will hate you but then they won’t do you bodily harm
  7. There comes a time in every man’s life when they really need to be alone. Not because they are mad at you, but because frankly the world sucks at the moment and they will just like to feel miserable for a day or two. You have your menses we have that, so please respect it. It is not a time to nag or tell us to get up on our feet and stop feeling miserable. If anything comes out of your mouth it should be consoling, else save it… Do it long enough and…
  8. There is friend for food, friend for fame, friend for money and friend for problems… If a woman can be categorized into one of them areas then it is likely she wouln’t last long in a guys life. More the pity if she actually likes him.

To all the sisters out there that look down on a brother because he doesn’t suit you at the moment, not enough money, too far away, not good enough, not bad enough, not prayerful enough, etc. Guess what? It actually makes us feel really bad and it can make an entirely wonderful day start out crappy

Funny how no one wants to date a Pastor, but everyone wants to marry one? Especially when they are successful. Twill surprise you how many women have God fearing man as number one on their list

DISCLAIMER: This isn’t meant to offend anyone though frankly I wrote it feeling really pissed (so forgive any grammatical errors). I know many fine and outstanding young ladies. I am not sexually discriminating anyone, just stating the obvious in quite subtle ways.. PS Jane Doe, I still love you.

Sometimes, women just piss me off big time. This is one of them. I shall stand in front of the mirror each money and recite to myself repeatedly from this day henceforth.

John Doe is single 

And I shall do it Naked!

Regards,

Single Nigerian Man

Please, do not let the sun go down on your anger!!!

 

Parental Advice…

So after careful thinking, I came up with advice I would have loved to hear while growing up. Penned down for my kids (present and future)…

My daughter…

  1. Never ever sleep with any man or woman for money, however after you marry, your husband must give you gifts outside the bedroom and outside of special occasions. No, good sex is not a gift.
  2. If he must see your breasts or any part of your body, it absolutely has to cost him dearly… Love is priceless, sight of flesh isn’t. Make him pay
  3. It is very important that you keep your eyes open and your legs closed… Remember this at all times. No, surprises are not allowed.
  4. Men lie all the time, it is up to you to be loyal, but lie better. Remember this as sometimes you may have to lie for both of you.
  5. If he says he loves you, he doesn’t. If he says he loves you when you are on your period and he is a thousand miles away, then maybe he does. If he shows you he loves you when you are on your period and he is right beside you, please keep him. He is either very much in love or he is an excellent actor (money making potentials)

My son.

  1. If she is toying with you, forget about her and buy a new toy before she reaches your brains…
  2. If she let’s you sleep with her on the first week and you are silly enough to do it, please wear protection and make it sloppy. If it took you time and effort to get her in bed, then make sure she remembers you.
  3. Women are excellent liars and grudge keepers, make sure you don’t get caught in a lie.
  4. Always let the woman break up with you. Saves the time and energy you will need to do it yourself.
  5. If you want to surprise her just act stupid. They love things like that and will rub it in your face just for the hell of it. That is good news because it will distract them  from your real purpose.

Know your husband or wife early my children, the knowledge can help you focus. Above all else, guard your heart and mind… Else you will be used and dumped by all manner of people. Remember people may like used goods but no one likes used trash. So make yourself accessible to all but keep your heart sacred, to just one..

With love,

Your dad
Single Nigerian Man